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Smallville Transcripts


First aired April 2nd, 2010

Clark and Oliver

Provided by Suzan D.

Chloe: Okay, Clark, we have a car-jacking over on Samson street.

Clark: On my way.

Chloe: Bad day for that guy. Now we have a mugging on Halpert.

Clark: Got him.

Chloe: Nice one. And just around the corner, there's a...

Clark: Done.

Chloe: That was fast, even for you. Okay, cowboy, looks like we're all clear on the western front for now.

Clark: Then I'm handing the reins over to John Jones. He's going to patrol while I'm out on the town with Lois.

Chloe: Don't worry. I think Metropolis can handle one weekend without The Blur. Now, the real question is: can The Blur handle two nights with Lois?

Clark: I think I'm up to the challenge, but I'll have my cell, so if anything comes up …

Chloe: Clark, it's one weekend. Enjoy it.

Clark: I heard Bart's in town. You two should hang out.

Chloe: Thank you for the not-so-subtle contribution to the Chloe Sullivan charity case, but Lois already made a kind donation in your name. I'm hanging up now.

Clark: Bye, Chloe.

Chloe: Have fun.

Clark: You too.

Lois: Thanks. Ah, perfect timing. Articles are in, phone calls have been returned an I am officially ready for our magical mystery weekend.

Clark: So let's escape before Randall sends you on an assignment. Where's your bag?

Lois: Since you insisted on being a man of secrets, I had to cover all my bases. There's snow angel, surfer girl, city chic.

Clark: How about countryside bed-and-breakfast?

Lois: Good choice. But since I'm assuming you don't mean the French countryside...

Clark: No. It's kind of Scottish, some place called the McDougal Inn.

Maggie: I have your room all ready, Mrs. Green, except you didn't say what size bed you'd prefer.

Chloe: Make it a Queen.

Maggie: Welcome to the McDougal Inn.

Chloe: I got it.

[Zod flies around the city and, using his super-hearing, listens on a rooftop to a family]

Father: Did you see the latest crime rating? Lowest it's been in years.

Mother: I just feel safer knowing he's around.

Child: Tell me a story, Daddy.

Father: All right. What about?

Child: The Blur.

Lois: I know it's called a bed-and-breakfast, but missing dinner is a definite bust. I'm starving. And I already ate the granola bar that's been at the bottom of my bag since... I don't know when.

Clark: We wouldn't be late if we hadn't driven 40 miles out of our way to see the world's largest ball of yarn.

Lois: You'll thank me later.

Maggie: Yes, can I help you?

Clark: Sorry about that. We're late. The reservation's under Kent.

Maggie: I apologize, but thanks to the storm, the room you reserved sprang a leak. I tried to call, but the line wouldn't connect. Cell reception is horrible around here.

Clark: That's fine. We'll, take any room that you have available.

Maggie: There isn't one. Before I realized the pipe had burst, I gave the last room away.

Lois: Okay, well, let's, hope that, Mr. And Mrs. Green didn't quite finish unpacking because the only inn they're gonna be staying at is called holiday.

Clark: Lois. What room is it, exactly? Maybe I can fix the pipe.

Maggie: If you'd like to try, it's the last room on the left.

Lois: Great. That's what you get for not packing light, Lois. Sorry.

Maggie: If you ask me, great-great-great-uncle Bevan had it coming.

Lois: So, what did he do to deserve getting his face scratched off?

Maggie: Usurped his sister Siobhan's birthright, took her crown and castle, and then killed her.

Lois: For a country that prides itself on men wearing skirts, you'd think they'd be a little more progressive than that.

Maggie: According to legend, Siobhan felt so robbed of her life on earth she wanted to return from the underworld and live again. She was granted her wish, at a price. Since she was betrayed by a man, she was cursed to kill men ... Any that crossed her path.

Lois: Murder, misogyny, and mayhem. I can see why you left that out of the brochure.

Maggie: How about a cup of tea while you wait for your boyfriend?

Lois: How about we just take Mr. And Mrs. PDA's room because, you know, they obviously don't need it? Just kidding. I'll go check on Clark. He is used to baling hay, but I'm sure he's just bailing buckets to stay afloat. [enters the room] Clark, I don't care how bad it is. I survived a tent in Guadalajara. I can handle a ... soggy room.

Clark: Turns out the leak wasn't as bad as she said it was. I fixed the pipe.

Lois: Clark Kent, my hero.

Lois: Too much?

Clark: You're perfect. Is that the side of the bed that you like sleeping on?

Lois: Why? Is this your side usually? Cause that would be totally fine.

Clark: I... No, I just thought that you... I just want you to be comfortable.

Lois: I will be. I mean... I am. Ok. Bedtime. So... don't let the bedbugs bite.

Clark: Sweet dreams.


Lois: What the hell was that?

Maggie: It's nothing to worry about, everyone.

Clark: What could have made that noise?

Maggie: There are wolves in the forest. Maybe it was one of them. Go back to bed. Everything's okay.

Lois: Twist.

Lois: How can you be so "eh" about this? This is Chloe and Oliver, together, here. Did you know they were dating? No, of course you didn't. I didn't even know they were dating. We should sit with them.

Clark: Or we can give them some space. Lois, they obviously came out here to escape from everything, kind of like we did.

Lois: I know that I ran a verbal marathon last night and then I fell asleep, but I promise. Tonight is about the two of us.

Clark: I waited for you to get ready for three hours. If it means being with you, I can wait forever.

Lois: Forever's a long time.

Chloe: Really?

Oliver: No.

Chloe: Oh, god.

Oliver: You know what we could do? We could pretend not to see them.

Chloe: Oh, come on, Ollie. Throw out the white flag. It's Lois. She makes Susan B. Anthony look like a quitter.

Lois: Hey, guys, come here. Sit with us.

Clark: Quiet weekend at home, huh?

Chloe: Trust me. We had no idea the two of you would be here.

Lois: And we had no idea there was even a "you two," which I think is perfect. I think fate has brought us together.

Oliver: Well, it's... it was a little less fate, actually.

Chloe: More fame.

Oliver: Like fame.

Chloe: This inn is so far off the beaten path that even the society pages couldn't find Star City's most eligible bachelor here.

Lois: You mean ex-bachelor.

Chloe: Okay, enough about that. How did you guys manage to find the road less traveled?

Clark: I found the brochure for the inn at the apartment. I figured Lois wanted to come here.

Lois: What brochure?

Chloe: That wasn't Lois' brochure, Clark. That was mine.

Clark: How was I supposed to know that Oliver...

Chloe: You weren't. That's the point.

Oliver: Don't look at me. I learned a long time ago not to assume what belongs to who in that apartment. You got to use context clues.

Lois: Yeah, speaking of clues, let's talk about Mr. Green in the bedroom with my cousin.

Oliver: There it is.

Clark: Lois, I think they came here for brunch.

Lois: Good point. Look, Chloe, there's food.

Oliver: Little jellies.

Chloe: Okay, look, Lois, I know what you're gonna say... That with Ollie's less-than-perfect track record, I should really just cut my losses.

Lois: Or I could say that this is one for the "win" column. I think it's great that you and Oliver are together.

Chloe: You do?

Lois: Yeah, and the best part is now we can double-date. How awesome is that?

Chloe: Before you book us up for the next two months, Oliver and I are not a couple.

Lois: Okay, sure. Then what are you?

Chloe: We're having fun. And we're not complicating things by using labels and definitions.

Lois: This is a relationship, Chloe, not a spelling bee.

Chloe: Look, I'm glad that you have found someone that makes you happy, but we're not all cut out for coupledom. And with Ollie, I don't have to worry about that, ok? We're no flowers. We're no presents, no pressure, no strings. And with you, we're no comment.

Oliver: So... you... save any orphans recently, old ladies, maybe, anything like that?

Clark: I did stop a bank robbery.

Oliver: Yeah. That's nice. That's fun stuff.

Clark: Thanks. How about you? Anything new?

Oliver: No. Just,... there's a new compound bow I'm trying out. Yeah, seems pretty good. See how that works.

Clark: I know it's not my place to say anything, but...

Oliver: Then don't say anything.

Clark: But after everything Chloe's been through, I don't want to see her get hurt.

Oliver: That's good. She's stronger than you think she is, though, so...

Clark: One of her strengths is giving people what they need and sacrificing what she wants.

Oliver: How do you know this isn't what she wants?

Clark: Just don't take her for granted.

Zod: Your choice of meeting place is revealing. Even when he's gone, Clark rules your mind.

Tess: And yours. And since we have no common ground, I thought it only fitting that we meet in the home of the one person that unites us. Whether you want to admit it or not, Major, we all want the same thing ... A better world.

Zod: You crave a man that's your equal. But everyone you've ever let in has betrayed you... and will never trust you.

Tess: Well, sometimes trust comes at too high a price.

Zod: Obsession can cost you more. Come with me. We'll go to Cyprus, rule the world, drink wine, swim in the sea.

Tess: You sound like a man without a care in the world, not your usual goal-oriented self.

Zod: I still have goals.

Tess: But do you still have secrets?

Zod: Not from you.

Tess: Really?

[shoots Zod]

[Zod catches the bullet]

Tess: I don't remember you telling me that you discovered your powers.

Zod: How did you find out?

Tess: You're a soldier dedicated to his cause. There's no way you'd run off to Cyprus unless your war was won.

Zod: Your instincts are remarkable.

Tess: So is your ability to heal. You were shot a few weeks ago, but I just checked, there's no wound. My little experiment proves that my instincts were right.

Zod: And if you were wrong... Your experiment would have killed me.

Tess: Some risks are worth taking.

Zod: And some aren't. You know my secret. I can't afford to let you share it. What would you do if our positions were reversed?

Tess: In every relationship, one person stands while the other one kneels. I will not be forced down again.

Zod: I wouldn't want you to be.

Chloe: I must say, Your taste in wine is almost as good as your taste in women.

Oliver: Why, thank you. You have a little bit of Pinot right there, actually. Look at that. I got it.

Chloe: Unless Christmas came early this year, that better not have my name on it.

Oliver: Maybe you've just been especially good this year. Maybe a guy shouldn't take someone like you for granted.

Oliver: I didn't think you were, Ollie. Clark said something, didn't he?

Oliver: It's just a gift.

Chloe: No. It's a slippery slope. "Just because" gifts are never just because. There's always some unspoken part, like "I'm sorry" or "I feel very strongly about you," both of which are complicated. I wanted to keep things simple, with, like, no strings or ribbons.

Oliver: Wait, where are you going?

Chloe: I'm going for a walk. When I come back, can we just hit the "reset" button and play our favorite indoor game again?

Chloe: [sees a woman standing between the trees] Hello? [the woman suddenly disappears] So much for a relaxing walk to calm my nerves. [stumbles upon a dead body] Definitely not calm! [the woman reappears, touches Chloe and falls down. Chloe gets possessed by Siobhan.] Unexpected … but useful.

Lois: Just give me 10 minutes. Then you'll get a surprise.

Clark: Something tells me you'll never stop surprising me, Lois.

Lois: [whispers]10 minutes.

Clark: [leaves the room] Hey, Chloe.

Chloe: [when Clark passes] Well, hello to you, too.

Clark: Chloe? What are you doing in here?

Chloe: Well, I thought I would join you.

Clark: Yeah, I can see that. At least, I'm trying not to see that. You know, I'm done here, so the shower is yours.

Chloe: It's not the shower I want.

Clark: Chloe, how much wine did you have to drink at dinner?

Chloe: Why, do you want to share another bottle? Or maybe we could just go for a moonlit walk in the woods.

Clark: I don't think that Oliver would appreciate it.

Lois: [walks in] Clark, I just... Oh, my god.

Clark: I can explain this, sort of.

Lois: You do that. Try to explain it over breakfast maybe next century. This... I won't be needing.

Chloe: Clark? What are you doing?

Clark: What are you doing?

Chloe: Where are my clothes?

Clark: I don't know.

Chloe: What's going on?!

Oliver: Hey. Well … Lois … You got any bagpipes to go with that outfit there, lassie? That means you guys are having a little fun. It's cute. Listen, I'm looking for Chloe. She took a walk a while ago. She hasn't returned, and I'm getting a little worried about her.

Lois: I was just with her, actually.

Oliver: You were? Okay. Oh, right. Yeah, okay. So, just lay it on me.

Lois: Why don't I take you to see Chloe, instead? You will never win a woman's heart by waiting for her to come to you.

Oliver: Ok. You lead the way.

Clark: The truck is still there. At least Lois didn't drive home.

Chloe: Oliver's not in our room. We're definitely being roasted, not toasted over a bottle of McDougal's finest tonight.

Clark: What possessed you to come into the bathroom like that?

Chloe: I don't remember. I just completely blanked out.

Clark: You don't remember seeing... No, God, I definitely don't remember seeing that.

Chloe: What... Wait a minute. Was I... Did you see... Oh, God. This is our last couples vacation together.

Clark: If I don't find Lois, this will be the last vacation I take with anyone.

Chloe: Okay, so, not that I haven't seen enough of Clark Kent's private... l-life tonight, I...

Clark: I don't like where this is going.

Chloe: You took Lois on a romantic getaway to some sort of a bed-and-breakfast. While I doubt that the whole breakfast part poses any problems. Correct me if I'm wrong. I seem to recall you having some kind of a concern about the beds and non-powered people and what would happen in the beds with the non-powered people if you...

Clark: Stop.

Chloe: Thank you.

Clark: My training with Jor-El has helped me to manage my powers better. Let's just say that I'm in control ... of everything. But you weren't when you decided to throw me a surprise party in the shower. And then you passed out, only to come to with no memory. What was the last thing you do remember?

Chloe: Oliver and I were having a talk, thanks to someone's overdeveloped protective instincts, and I decided to go for a walk.

Clark: Where?

Chloe: Over here. This is the lantern I brought from the inn. I must have dropped it here.

Clark: Unless something made you drop it.

Chloe: Oh, god. This is so not the weekend I had in mind.

Clark: You were out here, Chloe. Do you think you could have...

Chloe: Gone Norman Bates? Wait a minute. I wasn't the only one out here. There was a... a face, like a phantom.

Clark: What did it look like?

Chloe: Black, white, and weird all over. And since this is where my memory hits a roadblock, I'm guessing that spirit started driving this dune buggy. I must have been possessed.

Clark: You obviously aren't now. But if that spirit is responsible for this murder, we need to find it before it kills again.

Oliver: Who told Chloe to go walk in the woods, anyway? Was it Hansel and Gretel, do you suppose?

Lois: It's not much farther.

Oliver: Well, I hope she left a trail of bread crumbs 'cause if she didn't, we might never find our way out of here.

Lois: Oh, I'll be leaving these woods … but you won't.

Maggie: Look, the legend of Siobhan McDougal is just a ghost story. It's not real.

Clark: You've got a confused co-ed in your living room and a dead body in your yard. Now, we need to hear the rest of Siobhan's story.

Maggie: You really think a centuries-old spirit has come back for revenge?

Chloe: We've seen weirder things.

Maggie: Ok. After Siobhan was killed, her soul was sent to the underworld, where she was given great powers.

Chloe: What kinds of powers?

Maggie: Uncommon strength and... the ability to slay any man that hears her wail. Superstitious villagers also gave her a new name... The silver banshee.

Chloe: Okay, the last time I checked, the underworld was still underground. So, how is it that this wailing wonder has gotten topside?

Maggie: Legend tells of a portal through which her spirit could return to this world. It was said to be a relic created in Siobhan's own image. But after several deaths in the village, Bevan feared that he would soon be silver banshee's next victim. So he conducted an ancient Scottish ritual and covered the relic in Siobhan's spilled blood, sealing the portal shut.

Clark: A relic in her image? Like a statue or an engraving?

Chloe: Or a painting.

Clark: [uses x-ray vision] There's another portrait painted under this one. Bevan didn't just use blood to paint over his sister's image. He used it to paint his own portrait over hers.

Chloe: And then Lois must have accidentally opened the portal when she scraped it.

Clark: Chloe, you need to figure out how to close that portal. I'll find out who Siobhan inhabited next.

Lois: I was denied vengeance, just as I was denied power. But now I shall have both.

Oliver: I'm all about the girl power, really, but I got to be honest with you... I don't see you breaking through any glass ceilings with that hair.

Clark: Siobhan!

Lois: You know who I am.

Clark: And I know your story. But killing men won't make up for what was done to you.

Lois: Maybe not. But it does make me feel better.

Chloe: Tell me you found something.

Maggie: How about Bevan's diary?

Chloe: I don't suppose you read Gaelic?

Maggie: I may not have believed all the ghost stories but I'm still a McDougal. "We banished her soul with blood and flame, then burned her body so her spirit could not walk again."

Chloe: We burn her body and burn her blood. I think we close this portal with fire.

Zod: You're remarkable and beautiful... strong... able to spar with me on an equal footing... almost Kryptonian. How did you weaken me in the barn?

Tess: You have your secrets... and I have mine. Now we're even.

Zod: I waited a long time to savor the power of my Kryptonian birthright, and I will do anything it takes to protect it. You must know that.

Tess: In case you haven't noticed, Zod, there are few that could stop you.

Zod: Which is why the information you have is so valuable.

Tess: You talk like we're on different sides.

Zod: You tell me. We are partners, after all.

Tess: I doubt that you've only used your powers for seduction.

Zod: They certainly come in useful, especially when it comes to keeping an ear and an eye out for my competition.

Tess: If you're referring to Clark, you may have met your match but ... he's not your competition. He's one of you.

Zod: But he stands apart. Read your own newspaper, Tess. With the help of a certain lovely reporter, The Blur has become humanity's new messiah. Now, I may be able to fly, but the world would willingly follow him on foot.

Tess: You're jealous.

Zod: I want to know what gives him that power. And I want to know what will take it away. But you'll never tell me.

Tess: Information is also power. But you understand that better than anyone.

Oliver: It's a spoon. I bought you a spoon, one of those little... People collect them. I thought about getting you some of those little decorative soaps. But ultimately, you didn't really need either one of them, did you?

Chloe: I don't know about that. I'm more partial to sporks myself, but a girl can never have too many... spoons?

Oliver: Yeah, I never should have wrapped up that Pandora's box to begin with and second-guessed myself or us. From now on, I won't.

Chloe: Maybe we should just say that next time, you won't take advice about relationships from Clark Kent.

Oliver: You know, speaking of Clark... For future reference and, you know, strictly for environmental purposes... The next time you want to take a shower with someone, you can just ask me.

Chloe: I can't remember blacking out, I wish I could forget waking up.

Oliver: Really? It couldn't have been that bad, right? Wasn't there a time when you would have given just about anything to stare at that farmer's tan in all its glory?

Chloe: That was a long time ago like in a Smallville far, far away. I mean, okay, yeah, I did love Clark ... a lot. And I waited for years for him to see that, to see ... me. But even with his x-ray vision, he never did. I think more than that I just wanted someone who would get me. And as good a friend as Clark is, he's never gonna be that person. Which is fine. Really. Those wounds healed over a thousand supersaves ago. Now there's just scars.

Oliver: It's Clark's loss.

Chloe: What about your loss? I'm sure that Lois didn't have to drag you into the woods kicking and screaming.

Oliver: Um … yeah, that's ... the funny thing about scars, you know. They're always there. It doesn't mean they haven't healed. Sometimes they can be kind of cute, too, you know. You have one in particular that I'm partial ...

Lois: Well, as incredible as that R&R attempt was, I think we should skip the old B&B's for a while.

Clark: Lois, for our first weekend away together, it could have been worse.

Lois: I was possessed by a 300-year-old Scottish banshee and I almost killed you, Clark.

Clark: But we did get to see the world's largest ball of yarn. That made the whole trip worthwhile.

Lois: All thanks to my stellar sense of direction. Let's face it, Clark... Without me, you'd still be lost. What? Oh. It's my cellphone. Just let it go to voicemail.

Clark: Yeah, why don't you answer it, Lois? What if it's important?

Lois: Ok. A little privacy, please?

Clark: Just pretend I'm not here.

Lois: I can't do that.

Clark: Well, I guess I'll just have to get used to sharing you with the world.

Lois: Lois Lane, at your service.

Zod (voice scrambled as The Blur): Hello, Lois.

Lois: It's you. I was wondering. Hoping that you'd call again.

Zod: I need your help.

Lois: Anything.

Zod: I need you to get information on Tess mercer.

Lois: You've come to the right girl. Just give me the question. I'll find you an answer. No matter what it takes, I'll do it. I want to help. I will get the information you need.

Zod: But you can't tell anyone about it. Promise me you won't.

Lois: I promise.

Zod: I wouldn't ask, Lois, if it weren't a matter of life or death.

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