The TV MegaSite banner



Welcome to The TV MegaSite's Smallville Site!

Please click on the menus above to browse through our site!


The TV MegaSite--TV Is Our Life (Logo)
(Best viewed in IE or Netscape 6 and above)

This is just an unofficial fan page, we have no connection to the show or network.

Smallville Transcripts


First aired October 5th, 2006

picture of Lex from "Sneeze"

Provided by Suzanne
Proofread by Jeff

Reporter: Pentagon officials continue to deny any security breach and any responsibility for the events of dark thursday. Experts predicted the recovery from Dark Thursday would take years, but here in Metropolis, the cleanup effort has been remarkably swift. The public is stunned at how fast rubble has been cleared from the streets. This is Genevieve Sparling reporting...


Martha: You've been out again all night, haven't you?

Clark: Can't do what I need to do in the daylight.

Martha: Clark, I know you want to help, but... you can't single-handedly rebuild everything that's been destroyed.

Clark: It's my mess, mom. I need to clean it up.

Martha: You're not responsible for what happened. Zod is.

Clark: Zod would not have been released if, for once in my life, I had listened to Jor-El... and done what he asked me to do. [ Sighs ] I have chores to do.


Martha: Hey. Hey. Are you okay?

Clark: Yeah, I'm fine.

Martha: Clark, wait, wait, wait. I've never seen you this worn out. Even you have your limits. The chores can wait.

Clark: I'm okay. Really, I'm fine.

[[ Door opens, closes ]]


[[ Sighs ] ]

[[ Grunts ] ]

Clark: [ Sighs ] Ah-- ah-- ah-choo!

Lois: What the hell?

Lex: You know, for someone about to change addresses, you're traveling pretty light.

Lana: Yeah, well, I don't need a lot. It's only temporary. They think the school should reopen by next semester. It was nice of you to offer me a room at the mansion. I don't know what I would have done. Lex, if you're not okay with this and having second thoughts, then let's talk.


Lex: There's nothing to talk about. Everything's great.

Martha: Clark, was that the first time you ever sneezed?

Clark: Mm-hmm, and the first time I've had a scratchy throat with my ears all plugged up. 98.6.

Martha: No fever.

Clark: I'm no doctor, but it seems like it's just a common cold.

Martha: You're far from common, Clark. I don't remember you ever even having the sniffles.

Clark: I've never pushed myself so far into overdrive before.

Martha: You know you said when you were in that zone, your powers were gone. That means your immune system was normal. You could have been exposed to something there.


Clark: Whatever it is, I'm not really that sick.

[[ Knock on door ] ]

Lois: Hey. You guys are not gonna believe what just happened to me. I'm out there jogging along, minding my own business when, out of nowhere, a barn door comes falling from the clear, blue sky and almost crushes me. How does that happen?

Clark: Maybe it fell from an airplane.

Lois: Good guess, but the only thing up there was a severely traumatized sparrow.


[[ Sniffles ] ]

Lois: Uh-oh, does Clarky have the sniffles?

Martha: It's just a little cold.

Lois: Well, lucky for you, I have the perfect remedy -- honey and a little bit of cayenne pepper. Works every time. First it makes you sneeze a bunch of times, but then I swear you're pretty much cured.

Clark: Lois, I'll pass.

Martha: I think we're all out of cayenne, Lois.


Lois: No, you're not. I'm just gonna whip up a little bit of something here. Where did your barn door go? It was here late last night when I came to drop off the documents, and now it's gone.

Clark: Look at that. It is gone.

Lois: And it's been ripped right off its hinges. Oh, my god, that barn door. I knew it looked familiar. Now, how in the world does that happen?

Lex: Mr. Pontius. What the hell am I paying you for? I was followed again today.

Lana: Black Range Rover, Edge City plates? I tracked it to an abandoned factory on 5th and Hayworth.

Lex: Then why are you still here?

Lana: I'm on my way.


Lex: I want this taken care of by any means necessary. Do you understand?

Lana: I had no idea I was moving into a fortress. Everywhere I turn, there's another security guard.

Lex: Lana, that gentleman's not a security guard. He's a private investigator. Over the last few days, it's become clear I'm being followed.

Lana: By who?

Lex: Well, I doubt I have to look much further than the lowest branch on the family tree, but... I can't be sure.

Lana: You called the police?

Lex: After breaking every law imaginable while I was inhabited by Zod, I don't want to go anywhere near a badge. I can't trust anyone, not even my own security.

Lana: You can trust me.


Lex: Of course I can. And I want you to have this... in case of an emergency. He's the best P.I. in Metropolis. If anything happens to me, you need to call that number, not the police. Robert Pontius will make sure you're safe.

Lana: Lex, don't talk like that.

Lex: I'm just being cautious.

Clark: Chloe...

Chloe: How's this for a megadose of guilt money?

Clark: Well, uh... I've got bigger news.

Chloe: What happened? Is everything all right?

Clark: I sneezed.

Chloe: And?

Clark: And? Chloe, that's not normal.

Chloe: Clark, nothing with you is exactly normal, but I wouldn't call sneezing today's headline.

Clark: You don't understand. I -- I was --

Chloe: You what? Grab a tissue and get over it.

Clark: Ah-choo!


Woman: What the hell is that?!

Chloe: Gesundheit.

Clark: I tried to warn you. I've come down with some sort of cold.

Chloe: And become a walking air cannon. Let's get you out of here before you blow again.

Clark: At least I was able to cover half my face that time. This morning I -- I blew the barn door halfway across Small County. It almost hit Lois.

Chloe: Lois, as in Lane?

Clark: Now she's on a one-woman crusade to find an explanation. You know her, she won't stop digging until she hits China.


Chloe: Yeah ok, I'll take care of Lois. You just take care of that cold. We have enough natural disasters around here without having to worry about Hurricane Clark looming off the coast.

[[ Inhales sharply ]]

Clark: Just kidding.

[[ Sighs ] ]

Lex: Well, I forgot what a concerned parent you are. That's why you're having me followed, isn't it? To make sure I don't destroy the rest of the world?

Lionel: If I were having you followed, son, you would never know it. I can guarantee you that.

Lex: I hate to disappoint you, but whatever powers I had are long gone. So if you're looking for an encore performance, you're out of luck. Elvis has left the building.

Lionel: You want to find out who's stalking you? I suggest you concentrate on remembering every little minute detail of that horrific day.


Lex: Well, I guess I should have kept a blog... because I suffered a total memory loss. Besides what Lana has told me, those 24 hours are gone.

Lionel: The atrocities you committed -- they could have been witnessed by anyone. Lex, please,let me help you.

Lex: I've been on the receiving end of your help before, Dad. I think I'll pass.

Lionel: Listen to me. There are some adversaries that cannot be defeated alone! Lex! Lex!!


[[ Door slams ]]

[[ Inhaling deeply ]]

Martha: How you doing?

Clark: This is one part about being human I don't envy.

Martha: It's not all that bad. You can lie on the couch all day and watch DVDs while your mom makes some doctor-certified chicken soup.

Clark: Mom, I can watch DVDs after I fix the irrigation ditch.


Martha: No, your health is a lot more important than the irrigation ditch. You're in uncharted waters now, Clark, and your dad's not here to help us out, so... please, you have to trust my instincts and rest. Okay?

[[ Knock on door ] ]

Martha: Lionel. Is everything all right?

Lionel: Lex. He's gone. I think he's been abducted.

Clark: Who do you think's behind it?

Lionel: Considering what he stole from the Pentagon, my initial reaction was the, uh...government, but after I spoke to my contacts in Washington, I don't think so. You have to find him, Clark.

Clark: Why? Lex and I have nothing to do with each other anymore.


Lionel: But you and Zod do. Lex insists he can't remember anything that happened when he was possessed by Zod, but he might not be honest about it. He might remember it all. Whoever his captors are, if they put enough pressure on him, he could tell the truth... about you.

[[ Grunts ] ]

Orlando Block: Well, good morning, Mr. Invincible.

Lex: Where am I?

Orlando Block: In your cage, where every lab rat belongs. Oh, and before you even try escaping, you might want to consider you're hooked up to enough wattage to drop an elephant.

Lex: Who are you?

Orlando Block: Just someone who's interested in how you possess superhuman powers.

Lex: Powers? I don't know what you're talking about.

Orlando Block: Oh, come on, Lex! We both know you were the one at the Pentagon, swatting away those bullets like they were mosquitoes... and not even a scratch. Yeah, see, we... we saw it on the only working satellite on Dark Thursday. So we know you have the powers. We just kind of want to know how you got them.


Lex: My people are already onto you.

Orlando Block: Your people? I think that's the guy I caught kind of roaming around outside. Pontius, right? The guy downstairs with the bullet in his head. Enough foreplay, all right? Let's get this started. You're gonna tell me everything.

Lois: See, I told you. I am no chicken little, and that is no acorn.

Chloe: Whoa.

Lois: Now how is that even remotely conceivable? The Kents live miles away from here.

Chloe: Ok, it's definitely weird. I'll give you that. But it's not "Wall of Weird." It's called a microburst.

Lois: A micro what?

Chloe: It's like a sudden, mini tornado. It happens when there are extreme changes in the temperature. It's actually not that unheard of in the midwest.


Lois: It was sunny and 75. There was nothing extreme about the weather.

Chloe: Well, you might not have felt it. It was probably in the upper atmosphere. But there must have been some sort of change in the barometric pressures.

Lois: Ok, either you've been watching too much Weather Channel or a year at the Daily Planet has turned you into a hardened skeptic.

Chloe: It's called being realistic, Lois. You might want to try it once in a while.

Lois: You were the one who always told me that science can explain only a fraction of what happens in this crazy town.


Chloe: And this happens to fall into that fraction. Look, Lois, I still believe in the paranormal. Trust me. But you have to accept the fact that sometimes the answers you're looking for are no further away than the front pages of your Scientific American.

Wagner: What are you doing with the gun? We were specifically told not to use violence.

Orlando Block: So? I don't answer to anybody, okay? Especially your boss. What I want to know is how bullets bounced off his body like ping-pong balls. Now, information like that is very valuable on the open market.

Wagner: You were specifically hired to --


Orlando Block: Yeah, well, guess what? I'm an entrepreneur, okay? So either you join my newest venture, or you can end up like the Pontius guy. Your choice. Hey, Lex! Yeah I was thinking. Why don't we try a little experiment?

[[ Gun cocks ] ]

Lex: What you doing? I told you, I don't remember any of it happening.

Orlando Block: Yeah, but it did. And I want to see it happen again. Please no. No.


[[ Gunshot ]]

Lex: Aah! Ohh! Oh, God!

Chloe: Lois... what are you doing here?

Lois: I wanted to personally hand-deliver this article to your Editor.

Chloe: An article? You're a journalist now?

Lois: Yeah.

Chloe: Wow! That's a lot of words.

Lois: Well, the Smallville Ledger was way too small-minded to appreciate investigative reportage, so I thought the Planet would be the perfect publisher.


Chloe: Lois, I hate to be the one rain on your Pulitzer parade, but I really don't think that a story about weather is gonna stand a chance when we're still dealing with the aftermath of Dark Thursday.

Lois: No, this story is way more than about wild weather, okay? Not only is it an exposé on the paranormal, it is a story about human triumph over adversity. That barn door could have chopped me in half. Read it.

Chloe: Funny, I don't remember there being an "e" in "tornado."

Lois: Just a little typo.

Chloe: Hmm, and the extra "h"in "weather"?

Lois: You know what I think? I think that you're just a little bit jealous that you're not the only one in the family with a natural way with words.

Chloe: Really? Well, Lo, you know, you're right. I might be jealous of you, but words have nothing to do with it.


Lois: Fine. Forget the Daily Planet. I don't need this stuffy, pseudo-intellectual rag. Out there somewhere is a newspaper that knows a story when they see one.

Chloe: Well, good luck.

Lois: Thank you.

[[ Piano playing ] ]

Clark: Lana... what are you doing here?

Lana: Actually, I'm living here now. If you're looking for Lex, he's not here.

Clark: Lex has gone missing, Lana. I think he may have been kidnapped.

Lana: Oh, God.

Clark: Has he mentioned any recent threats against him? Lana, if you have any information that might be able to help me find him...

Lana: I don't understand, Clark. Why are you the leader of this search party?

Clark: Lana, no matter what my differences are with Lex, I don't want to see him get hurt.


Lana: Or maybe you have your own reasons? Clark, how did you know that Lex was going to be transformed into that monster before anyone else?

Clark: Did you tell Lex about this?

Lana: Not yet. Clark, I want an answer. You can't keep secrets when Lex's life is in danger.

Clark: If I had all the answers, I wouldn't be here, Lana. I just want to help find Lex.


Lana: Then do it. Don't pretend you're doing it for him.

[[ Cellphone ring] ]

Pontius: You've reached Robert Pontius security. Leave your name and number.

[[ Beeps ] ]

[[ Thud ] ]

Lex: I have no choice but to sever our ties.

Lex: Pontius, what the hell am I paying you for? I was followed again today.

Pontius: Black Range Rover, Edge City plates? I tracked it to an abandoned factory on 5th and Hayworth.

Lex: Then why are you still here?

Orlando Block: What is it that turns a weak, hairless punk into some superhuman Goliath?

Lex: I honestly don't know.

Orlando Block: Well, I honestly don't believe you. And we know Luthorcorp conducts research involving genetically enhanced human strength. Now, you obviously did something to yourself. What was it?


Lex: You really want to know? A being from another dimension -- actually, another planet -- inhabited my body and gave me powers. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true. When he left me, the powers went with him. That's it. That's all I know.

[[ Gun cocks ] ]

Orlando Block: Are you mocking me?

Lex: Now, why would I mock a guy who just shot me?

Orlando Block: You know, the first gunshot was a minor flesh wound, Lex. But this one may sting a little more. Do you want to keep our new girlfriend happy?


Lex: All right! All right, you win. There's a serum. It's in a lab on the 33rd floor of Luthorcorp. It's in the vault in the center cabinet. The code is "julian452".

Orlando Block: Wagner, go.

Oliver Queen: [ Chuckles ] Lionel luthor. All those hostile takeovers haven't aged you a bit. Tell me, what's your secret?

Lionel: Well, perhaps I should give some credit to a nightly nip. This 40-year-old Highland scotch certainly helps to smooth the stress. I vigorously recommend it. Welcome to Metropolis, Oliver.

Oliver Queen: It's a nice gesture. [ Chuckles ] So I guess I shouldn't be surprised, should I? You've always been so generous.

Lionel: Yeah. You know, Oliver, when I read in the papers, "Oliver Queen moves to Metropolis," I was very curious. You've made such a name for yourself in Star City. Why would you relocate?


Oliver Queen: Well... how can you resist these views? Not to mention the crisp, midwestern air.

Lionel: You had a chance to touch base with my son yet?

Oliver Queen: Haven't had a chance. Been meaning to. How is old Lex doing, by the way? Has he finally managed to step out of your shadow?

Lionel: Oh, he's changed a lot since your, uh... boarding-school days together.

Oliver Queen: Hmm. Well, we all have. You know what, Lionel? You've inspired me. I'm gonna give him a call. Yeah. I'll call him today.


Lionel: You could have a hard time reaching him. Lex, it seems, has been abducted.

Oliver Queen: He's been abducted. My God.

Lionel: Oh. Oh, Oliv-- I remember,in the Excelsior School plays, you were always so good. So convincing.

Oliver Queen: Lionel, I'm involved in a lot of business ventures, as you know. But I can assure you... ...kidnapping is not one of them.

Lionel: I remember you have an unpleasant history with my son. And I know Queen Industries had the only working satellite on Dark Thursday.

Oliver Queen: Hmm.

Lionel: I know. I know, Oliver. You've suffered through a lot in your young life, but if you have so much as laid a hand on Lex, the word "suffer" will take on a whole new meaning to you.


Oliver Queen: Sounds like a threat.

Lionel: Have a pleasant stay in Metropolis, Oliver... however brief it is.

Chloe: Hey.

Clark: Hey.

Chloe: I never thought I'd utter these words, but you don't look so hot.

Clark: I don't feel so hot. Had to bail out of super-speed around 3rd Avenue and jogged the rest of the way.

Chloe: Then take a seat. Calm down. But if you feel even the slightest inkling of a sneeze, you cover your face and ziplock it shut, okay?

Clark: I went to Lex's mansion. I saw Lana.

Chloe: So you know about their new domestic partnership.

Clark: It's like we don't even know each other anymore. I told her about Lex. She... she made a phone call to someone named Robert Pontius.


Chloe: The highest-paid Sam Spade in Metropolis?

Clark: Maybe Lex knew he was in trouble. I want to talk to this guy and see what he knows.

Chloe: When you escaped from the Kryptonian land of the lost, I bet you didn't think that you'd be rewarded by having to save Lex Luthor while battling a raging head cold, huh?

Clark: Not exactly the goodbye gift I was expecting, no.

Chloe: I guess heroes don't get sick days.

Clark: [ Sighs ] They also don't put the world in jeopardy on an annual basis. I'm no hero, Chloe. There it is. 515 Grant Street.

Chloe: Okay, let's get out of here.


Clark: Chloe, this could be dangerous.

Chloe: Yeah, especially for you. You barely got here. You need to conserve your energy.

[[ Inhales sharply ] ]

Chloe: Oh, God.

Clark: Ah-choo!

Chloe: Quick hands. You're getting good at that.

[[ Cellphone beeps ] ]

Lana: Chloe, it's Lana. Whenever you get this message, I need you to check out an address -- 1024 Hayworth. Call me.

Orlando Block: Looking for Lex?

Chloe: You okay?

Clark: Perfect.

Chloe: God, and I was expecting ceiling fans and cigarette butts.

Clark: I think this guy can afford central air.


Chloe: All right, I'm a decent hacker, but I'm not a miracle worker. You really don't give me enough credit for this stuff. It's not easy.

Clark: Chloe...

Chloe: With these encryptions, it's gonna take me hours to get into Lex's account.

Clark: Chloe... there's a hidden door in the wall.

Chloe: Even with a stuffy nose, you still got it.

Chloe: What's wrong?

Clark: Guess I'm not 100%.

Chloe: Yeah, I can see that. Looks like your batteries are running seriously low.

Clark: Mm-hmm.

Chloe: What about a sneeze?

Clark: What about it?

Chloe: Clark, if your sneeze could blow a barn door 7 miles across Smallville, I bet you anything you could take that one out no problem.

Clark: Chloe, I just can't force it.

Chloe: Why not? You can do anything.


Clark: Except sneeze on command. It's a reflex, not a circus trick.

Chloe: Then blow.

Clark: That's not funny.

Chloe: I'm not kidding. Clark, with a sneeze like yours, that says a lot about your lung capacity. Now just take a really deep breath and blow it out as hard as you can.

Clark: That's a steel door, it's not a birthday cake.

Chloe: I don't see anything else working. Come on. Let's see what you got. Huff, puff, and blow this door down.

Chloe: Good thing you didn't have garlic today.

Chloe: Okay, so either Pontius is interested in purchasing a used-furniture warehouse or --

Clark: This is where he thinks Lex is.

Chloe: Taxi's leaving. Let's roll.

Clark: You're not rolling anywhere. In my condition, I can't guarantee your safety.

Chloe: I don't want a guarantee, Clark. I want to help.


Clark: Then go back to the Daily Planet. Wait for me there.

Chloe: Clark, I don't --

Lana: Lex! Lex, what have they done to you?!

Lex: What is she doing here?

Orlando Block: Well, Lex, let's just say that she's here to spend a little quality time with you.

Lex: Let her go. You don't need her.

Orlando Block: See, that's not quite true. Because now that we have your serum, we're gonna need somebody to use it on. And, uh... I'd say your girlfriend is as good a guinea pig as anyone, wouldn't you? Now, in case this stuff really does turn you into some kind of superchick just remember there's a gun pointed at your boyfriend's head the whole time.

Lana: Get away from me.

Lex: Wait. It won't work on her. The serum was tailored for my blood chemistry.


Lana: Lex, no.

Orlando Block: Well, then I guess it's time to wake the sleeping dragon, huh? Unh!

Lana: Get back! Stay back.


Orlando Block: Bitch. Aah!

[[ Gunshots ] ]

Lex: See if there's anything to cut the fence with. Unh!

[[ Panting ] ]

Lana: Aah! Lex, the hatch.

Lana: [ Grunts ] Come on, help me!

Lex: [ Grunting ] Push!

Lex: [ Clattering ] Lana, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

[[ Wind howling ] ]

Chloe: Hey! I brought something for us to do in case the lake's too cold to swim in. And the great thing is we don't have to wait for it to get windy.

Clark: Gee, thanks?

Chloe: [ Chuckles ]Come on. Doesn't it make you wonder what else the possibilities are? I mean, Clark Kent Airlines, nonstop to Metropolis.

Lois: Miracles really do happen. Man walked on the moon, call waiting was created, and Lois Lane got her first by-line on the front page of the Inquisitor.

Chloe: Hey, that's great, Lo. I don't know how I feel about the alien angle, but...


Lois: I wasn't too crazy about the E.T. spin, either, but my editor insisted it'd help sell papers, so...

Clark: Well, let's hear it for journalistic integrity.

Lois: Look, I swear, you guys, when I was writing that article, I don't know - I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. The thrill of discovery, the clacking of keys, the scent of fresh ink. Yeah, I think I've finally found my calling.

Chloe: Hey, how about you come join us at the lake? We can celebrate your first article with a splash.

Lois: Have you looked up in the sky lately? Looks like it's gonna rain, and since I don't like swimming in the rain, I'll see you guys around.

[[ Inhales deeply ] ]


[[ Wind howling ] ]

Lois: Whoa.

Chloe: It works.

[[ Chuckles ] ]

[[ Door opens ] ]

Lex: Hey.

Lana: When I moved in, you forgot to mention I'd be living with big brother.

Lex: Lana, those are just security cameras to ensure the safety of everyone on this property.

Lana: I see. Was I breaching security when I was alone in my bedroom?

Lex: Lana... okay, you clearly have the wrong idea. Those cameras are only viewed if there's an emergency. I would never invade your privacy like that.

Lana: But you already have. Lex... the cameras go, or I do.


Lex: The camera in your room will be down within the hour, but the rest of them stay. You're free to make other arrangements, Lana, but... this is the way I live. And it's not gonna change.

Oliver Queen: Thought I made myself clear. You were only to use violence if you were in danger.

Wagner: Mr. Queen, I told you. Block went rogue. I tried to stop him, but he would have killed me, too.

Oliver Queen: Well, we couldn't have that now, could we? I guess I'm just gonna have to start being more careful as to who I trust. Speaking of which, how's my old buddy Lex doing?

Wagner: Whatever powers he had are clearly gone. But, sir, there was someone else in the warehouse... someone who seems to have other abilities.

Oliver Queen: Find him.

Oliver Queen: How about... Borneo?

Main picture from Kryptonsite

Back to Smallville Transcripts Page

Back to the Main Smallville Page

Free cursors for MySpace at!


Updated 10/8/06  


We don't read the guestbook very often, so please don't post QUESTIONS, only COMMENTS, if you want an answer. Feel free to email us with your questions by clicking on the Feedback link above! PLEASE SIGN-->

View and Sign My Guestbook Bravenet Guestbooks


Stop Global Warming!

Click to help rescue animals!

Click here to help fight hunger!
Fight hunger and malnutrition.
Donate to Action Against Hunger today!

Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign
Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!

Click to donate to the Red Cross!
Please donate to the Red Cross to help disaster victims!

Support Wikipedia

Support Wikipedia    

Save the Net Now

Help Katrina Victims!