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Smallville Transcripts

"Fortune"

First aired February 25, 2011

Chloe kicking ass

Provided by Suzan D.

Clark: Wow. You look great.

Lois: Thanks. Never hurts to change it up a little bit. Except for the ring ... never gonna take that off. It's my sparkly little ball and chain.

Clark: So, you have any second thoughts about your girls' night out?

Lois: Clark, my swingin' single days have swung. It's just all this wedding stuff is very weddingy. I never thought I'd be that gal.

Tess: Lois … I think there's something's missing.

Chloe: Ta-da! Your bachelorette superpower-up!

Lois: It's actually not bad. I thought I'd be spending the entire night cuffed to a blow-up doll while wearing a dog collar, so... with this thing, I will be drinking free all night long.

Tess: Yes, she will.

Chloe: Hey, you know what? After all the years that I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy.

Clark: Well, wouldn't be the same without you being here. Just wish I could freeze this moment in time forever.

Tess: Me too.

Oliver: Unfortunately, the limo is here. So, uh, we should go. But before we do, um, a toast.

Chloe: Oh, right. A toast. Sorry. Forgot that one. To the bride and groom. You know, to friends. You two amazing people have been the best friends I could have ever asked for. And... we want you to know that we are here for you, to support you as you begin your "happily ever after" adventure. And tonight is all about celebrating you. And, uh, I hope you boys have fun tonight, but don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Oliver: No. No, we wouldn't, uh ... we wouldn't do that.

Tess: To the bride and groom!


Clark: Chloe?

Chloe: Clark?

Clark: What'd you do?

Chloe: What did we do?


Clark: Stay!

Chloe: Okay, he can just hang tight in there while we figure this out.

Clark: You don't think that we...

Chloe: … exchanged vows?

Clark: Well, I mean...

Chloe: Said "I do"?

Clark: Both...

Chloe: Did the deed? Oh, God. Don't say the word "consummate." The answer has to be no.

Clark: Okay, what if these are just costumes?

Chloe: Right, right ... we went to a costume party dressed like the top of a wedding cake. Clark!

Clark: Looks like things got a little out of control.

Chloe: Okay... before we go Defcon 1 on this stag-party snafu, let's just take a step back. Whoa.

Clark: I can't, Chloe. I have no memory of what happened last night, which is weird, because alcohol normally doesn't affect me.

Chloe: Yeah, well, my memory Etch-a-Sketch is blank, too.

Clark: Must be more than Champagne in these bottles. Didn't realize this was a gift.

Chloe: "Congrats, Clark. You deserve a real party. Hugs, Zatanna."

Clark: She must have put a spell on these.

Chloe: Complete with a memory erase.

Clark: If Zatanna's mind-wipe affected you, then it could have affected Oliver. It could have affected all of us.

Chloe: Lois. Where's your phone?

Clark: Lois? Yes, this is Clark Kent. You have my wallet downtown?

Chloe: If your wallet was on the hood of the car, that throws the costume-party theory out. There's no sign of a driver. You know, maybe there's a number we can call.

Clark: Hey, Chloe, look. I got a text message from last night ... and it's from Lois. It says, "I just need more time." She doesn't want to be found. What if all this finally got to her and it pushed her away?

Chloe: Clark, okay, all of the taffeta and lace and goofy traditions in the world are not gonna give Lois the wedding jitters.

Clark: You don't understand. This is not the first time that she has bailed when things got real between us. First time I kissed her, she left town. When she found out I was The Blur, she went to Egypt.

Chloe: Clark, your relationship is at a totally different level right now. Not to mention the fact that Lois knows that you are the proverbial one. And besides that, weddings just aren't that scary.

Clark: I hope you're right. Are those Emil's pants?

Chloe: Yeah, I found them in the backseat. What's that? Looks like half of a wedding certificate. Missing one of the names. Holy matrimony ... that's my signature. Clark, we really are married.

Clark: Emil. He wasn't drinking. He'll have answers. I'll call you after I find our friends.

Chloe: Oh! Clark. Are you okay?

Clark: Chloe, this killer headache is affecting my abilities. This might be more difficult than I thought.

Chloe: Think I just got an idea of where to start. Uh, excuse me. Where did you get those shirts?

[girls show video of Emil as Elvis Presley impersonator]

Clark: One night, he's already famous.

Chloe: Well, Emil always was an overachiever. Why don't you go take care of that? And I'm gonna call Oliver, and I'll meet you at the Watchtower.

Clark: Okay.

[Emil and Tess singing on a podium]


Clark: The one guy I counted on remaining sober … Do we know each other?

Woman: So you did have fun last night.

Clark: I’m … I’m looking for the girl I came in with last night. She probably insulted you more than once.

Woman: She was there when I dropped you off, but was gone when I picked you up … at the temple of love.


Officer: Emil Hamilton, can you step off the stage, please? We got some questions about an armored car that was stolen last night.

Emil: Thank you very much. Gentlemen... I plead innocent to all charges! I'm but a humble entertainer.

Officer: Funny. You can tell the judge how you made it vanish into thin air.

Clark: Into thin air …

Tess: Clarkie... Oh, there's I only one person that I know that can make an armored car adios in seconds.


Lois: H-hey! Hey, watch it, Buster! Oh. Hi.

Oliver: Morning. Sorry.

Lois: Good morning. It's okay. Whoa, my head is pounding like a mosh pit. And my mouth tastes like armpit. Hey. What happened?

Oliver: I think the jury's still out, but, uh... I'd say we just survived the world's greatest bachelor party.

Lois: No offense, but speak for yourself. My dream soiree would end waking up with someone a little taller, darker, and a different kind of handsome.

Oliver: Well, no surprise there. How the hell did we end up here, anyway?

Lois: Oh, I have no idea. But in that green getup of yours, we're gonna stand out like a hooker in a church.

Oliver: What? What is this? Hey, you know what? I thought my drunken-blackout days were behind me. This is...

Lois: Tell me about it. You know, us Lanes can usually hold our liquor, but I don't have a single memory of my big night. So we'd better drop a line to Clark and Chloe. They'll be worried.

Oliver: Oopsie. You know what? I just realized something. When I ... when I changed my pants, I think I forgot all the important things.

Lois: Yeah. My cellphone’s gonzo too ... which is a bummer, since this isn't exactly Mister Rogers' neighborhood.

Oliver: It's okay. It's all right. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna, uh ... we're gonna find one of those infamous phone booths of yours, okay? And, uh, we're gonna call Clark. Everything's gonna be great.

Lois: We can't call Clark.

Oliver: Sometimes I don't understand. Why? W-what's the problem, huh?

Lois: My engagement ring is gone.


Clark: Any luck on that armored car it looks like I stole? We don't have much time. Emil's in prison now because of me.

Tess: Still searching for missing vehicles. God, I feel terrible. I'm the one that convinced him to drink that Champagne.

Clark: It's not your fault, Tess. But what about Lois? What about Oliver? Can you check their cellphone records or credit-card statements?

Tess: Clark, the nanosecond that they use technology, we'll have their number.

Chloe: Ooh. Looks like your "get up and go-go" is long gone.

Tess: There's a chain gang breaking rocks in my head, but at least I can make a sentence. Chloe, do you want to take this?

Chloe: No. I think it's in good hands. So, no sign of Oliver, and I just tried calling the Chapel of Love ... no answer.

Tess: I may have one. There's an armored-car company that says they lost a vehicle last night and from their security footage, it looks like it might be the same one that Emil's accused of stealing.

Clark: Can you track this?

Tess; Yeah, I can activate the truck's alarm system remotely, I think. Clark, listen for a high-pitched tone.

Clark: I hear it.

Chloe: Yeah. I can, too.

Tess: Y-you're beeping, Clark.

Clark: I got it this time.


Lois: The morning-after mindswipe is a stinger. But the sweet smell of sewage is clearing my head.

Oliver: Ah, Lois, we're gonna find them, okay? And Clark's with Chloe ... he'll take care of her, too.

Lois: I know. I was just checking out my single hand, my no-longer-engaged hand.

Oliver: Lois, you're still engaged. Y-you may just have to let go of the ring. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. My corporation ... I may have lost it, but I'm gonna buy you an identical rock, okay? Problem solved.

Lois: I hate to break this to you, but the last thing I want to go around with for the rest of my life is a lie propagated by my ex-boyfriend.

Oliver: Oh.

Lois: The ring that Clark gave me was a symbol of our love, the symbol of our future together. It wasn't just any ring ... it was THE ring, The Big Kahuna. I waited my whole life to find somebody who would get this wacky world view and care enough to give me the ring. And the first thing I do is go and lose it.

Oliver: He's gonna understand, Lois. He always does.

Lois: We cannot tell Clark!

Oliver: Tell you what ... I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get you that ring back, okay? But you really ... you got to relax, all right? You're starting to do that twitchy thing again that you do.

Lois: I'm not twitching. There's something stuck in my bra.

Oliver: That's not my territory anymore, all right?

Lois: Cha-ching. Well, that's a first. "Fortune Casino."

Oliver: Let me see that. Oh, look at that. Your Pointer Sisters just gave us our first clue as to where we were last night.

Lois: Yeah, right.

Oliver: Thank you, sir.

Man: Hop in.

Lois: Thank you.


Clark: I can't believe on my first drunken night out, I lose Lois, commit a felony, and I land my friend in jail. So reckless.

Tess: But oddly, Clark, very human.

Chloe: Yeah, and when this happens to grooms the world over, his friends just rally around him and help make it all right. Speaking of which, I just found some very interesting information down at the police station. No Emil. And no trace of his name in any of the police records.

Clark: If Emil wasn't arrested... who were those cops?


Man: Where's the money?

Amos: One more Elvis cover out of you... and you'll be eating those blue suede shoes.

Emil: I do believe it's fair to say that you gentlemen are not the authorities.

Amos: And you are not the King of Rock. But you'll be just as dead if you don't cough up the cash.

Emil: Listen, I already told you ... you got the wrong Elvis. I-I didn't steal any armored car.

Amos: No, no, no, no. I got the right mug. Yeah. It was Lady Luck that brought you to me. I mean, what are the odds, huh, that ... that you would be an overnight sensation on the same night that I was looking for you?

Emil: Post hoc ergo propter hoc. I mean... It's a fallacy. Just because the two events are connected sequentially doesn't mean they're connected causally.

Amos: No, no, no. You are connected, my friend. I mean, I didn't believe these yahoos when they told me they were duped. But then I saw it for myself.

[shows video of Chloe, Clark, Emil and Tess when Clark takes out the two guys]

Amos: It's you. Here, let me bring it up. Pretty fancy smoke and mirrors that you pulled off. It's just, I... I don't know what burns me more ... the fact that you took my money or the fact that you ... you took my lucky lemur.

Emil: It appears to me that... someone was trying to prevent a robbery, not commit one. Nice masks, boys.

Amos: Eh, big mistake ... you trying to protect your friends, smart guy. Break him.


Oliver: This $500 baby here means we were probably gambling last night. Knowing you ... blackjack, right?

Lois: That's my game. I was three-time champ at Fort Dix. Oh, my God. What if I bet the ring?

Oliver: Oh, I don't think that would happen, Lois.

Man: I thought I told you never to come back here again.

Oliver: No kidding. Huh. Hey, listen, I got a question for you. My friend here ... she lost a ring last night. Do you have any idea...

Man: Your little card shark here? She bet her engagement ring, yeah.

Oliver: Oh.

Lois: Did I call it or did I call it?

Man: She's raking it in, trash-talking the boss. So he won the ring off her. Come on. Let's go. I don't want to take you for another ride.

Lois: No. No, wait. Oliver, this isn't possible ... not in this lifetime. The only conceivable way that I would bet the ring was if it was a sure thing.

Man: There's no such thing in life as a sure thing.

Lois: Oh, yeah? What are you trying to say? Was I scammed? Let me guess. Your boss stacked the deck, right? There is no way that I'm gonna let that creep cheat me out of my happily forever after. Here comes the bride.

Oliver: No.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...

Lois: Hey!

Security guard: Easy does it, sweetheart.

Announcer: ...the Fortune showgirls.

Security guard: Come with me.


Lois: I was so close, I could have ripped my ring off his chubby little finger.

Oliver: Not really feeling your jewelry malfunction right now, you know?

Lois: It was so much more than that, Oliver.

Oliver: I know. I know. And now in order to get out of this high-stakes poker game, we're gonna need a get-out-of-jail-free card. You see that pole over there? We're going there, okay?

Lois: A little tied up right now.

Oliver: You're a comedian. Listen, you're gonna lean against me, all right? And we're gonna shuffle over there in one, two, shuffle. Go. Go.

Lois: I should have known all this bridal hoopla was too good to be true.

Oliver: It's working!

Lois: All my prenuptial bliss was just one right click away from bridal apocalypse.

Oliver: Okay. All right. You should really ease up on yourself, Lois. You haven't ruined anything.

Lois: You still don't get it. I did not want to be the bride waving her freak flag down the aisle, okay? I-I wanted this to be perfect, not my normal mess.

Oliver: We're all a mess, okay? Let's be fair.

Lois: Not Clark. No. Clark would never lose his ring, okay? Do you have any idea how much pressure there is being engaged to walking perfection?

Oliver: Do you have any idea how much pressure there is fighting crime next to walking perfection? You're free. All right, let's blow this pop stand.

Lois: No. We're not leaving without my ring.

Oliver: I thought we were ... we were past that.

Lois: Well, we're not. Ooh. Get back in, get back in!

Oliver: Got it?

Lois: Yeah.

Oliver: Okay. We'll be lucky to get out of here alive. I didn't exactly bring my Green Arrow gear to the bachelor party. Uh... Unless...


Chloe: The facial-recognition from the karaoke security footage showed that the fake cops actually have criminal histories linking them to this casino ... that is, if they work for this Fearless Fortune.

Clark: Means Emil could be in danger.

Chloe: Yeah, but all I see is a hothouse full of chumps, suckers, and high rollers.

Clark: I'll check the other room. Try to blend in.

Chloe: Lois? Oliver?


Lois: Hey, big daddy. Want to give this girl some lovin'? Do something.

Amos: Well, luck be a lady tonight. You are an eye full. You know, like the tower in Paris. You put these other hothouse girls to shame.

Oliver: Thanks, man.

Amos: That's her. The blonde! She's one of the crew that stole the money!

Lois: Chloe, run!

Amos: Get her! Get her!

[a fight breaks out, Lois tries to get hold of the ring]

Lois: Yes! Oh! God! Aah! Yes, come to Mama, sweetheart. Come on! Oh... there's my sparkly girl. Oh, come to Mama. I swear I will never bet you again. Mwah!

Amos: You think I'm gonna let you run off with my lucky ring? I won so big today.

Oliver: The only one getting lucky here tonight is yours truly. Way to go all-in, gorgeous.

Chloe: Back atcha, hot stuff.

Lois: [puts on ring] We have a winner!


Emil: I thought I told you gentlemen everything from last night is a blank.

Man 1: Yeah, yeah, you did. But, you see, that's what they all say. In the end, everybody names names. It's just the business.

Emil: Business?! Wait a minute. That's it. That's ... that's why Fortune had you robbing his truck. No, if my calculations are correct, i-it's a scam, right? He reports the crime, and then the insurance company doubles his money. Except this time, somebody actually stole his money.

Man 2: Yeah. That was you, smart guy.

Emil: Oh, I really wish I didn't understand the physics of this.

Clark: You all right?

Emil: Clark.

Clark: You're safe now. Look, I need some answers about what happened last night.

Emil: Get in line.


Clark: Chloe?

Chloe: Congratulations on surviving your boffo bachelor party... and the million-dollar morning-after mistake.

Clark: There's still one thing we have to do ... undo.

Chloe: I got through to the chapel, and they told me that the whole "best friend masquerading as the bride-to-be" was just a drunk prank.

Clark: That's a relief.

Chloe: Yeah.

Clark: It was a fun ride while it lasted. Kind of reminded me of the good, old days.

Chloe: Yeah, but your new partner in crime's got you covered.

Clark: Lois and I are pretty good together. It's funny. It almost sounded like you were saying goodbye.

Chloe: I forgot how well you know me. My heart and my head have been playing tug-of-war lately. But I made my decision. I still have to break it to Oliver, but I won't let a hero give up his world for me.

Clark: Chloe, you just got back. You're the heart and soul of Watchtower.

Chloe: Yeah, but I can't be Watchtower anymore. I've already been the ghost in the machine once. I can't ... I can't do it again.

Clark: You know you've always been much more than that to me.

Chloe: I know. You know, in every epic tale, there's always one person who believes in the hero first ... someone who helps inspire them to greatness. And maybe it wasn't just a fluke with you. I've been thinking that's my true calling ... finding heroes and helping them realize their true potential beyond the reach of Watchtower. You're not alone, Clark Kent. In all my globe-trotting, I have met several others like you ... a billionaire with high-tech toys and a wondrous woman who is gonna throw you for a loop.

Clark: Well, all that sounds amazing... and a bit lonely.

Chloe: Well... that's why I'm following your lead, Clark. I've created a double-identity for myself. You're looking at the Star City Register's newest hire. By day, of course.

Clark: I always knew that you were destined for big things, Chloe. And I know no matter what, we'll still be in each other's lives.

Chloe: You know I'll always be here for you. You know that, right?

Clark: I do.


Tess: Hey, hound dog. You really rocked this town.

Emil: I suppose that's supposed to be humorous?

Tess: It's just... Well, it was a nice surprise to see our mild-mannered doctor have a special power of his own.

Emil: I haven't done something like that since, well... since my wife passed away. She used to love to hear me sing to her.

Tess: Don't give it up. She wouldn't have wanted you to.

Lois: All right. Listen up, everybody. I have the smoking gun. Now, I haven't actually laid eyes on all the footage yet, but I strongly suspect that inside this little puppy are the answers to all of our burning questions.

Emil: Oh, my camera. Of course. I forgot that I … was documenting the entire evening.

Oliver: Let’s see if we can play this thing ... I found it in a, uh, a puddle of Champagne in the limo. Ooh, speaking of spirits, you know what we should do? Champagne.

Tess: Oh, no. Absolutely not.

Emil: Oh, uh, there's sparkling cider in the fridge which I am certain Zatanna has not charmed.

Clark: Uh... I'm so gun-shy, I don't even know if I can try it.

Lois: Here's the thing, Clark. I, uh... I bet the ring. I mean, I got it back, but... please forgive me.

Clark: Lois, there's nothing to forgive. The ring is not what's important. You are. But I have a bit of a confession myself. Um... When I woke up this morning and you were gone, I thought that I'd scared you away somehow.

Lois: Yeah, I'm sorry. I know that I have the, uh, "Runaway Girlfriend" thing to...

Clark: Look, if all this wedding mess is getting to be too much, then...

Lois: No, i-it's not that. It's... it's hard to explain.

Clark: You don't need to explain. I just want you to know if you're having doubts deep down inside or you're not 100% sure that this is the right thing to do, I will understand. I'm gonna want to marry you in five days or in five years.

Lois: That was the perfect thing to say.

Tess: Oh! And we're rolling! The file's corrupted, but we'll see what we've got.

Oliver: You ready for this?

[video plays:]

Clark: Hey! Uh, Lois, if you're watching this 20 years from now, just know that you are the love of my life. Um... I'm really feeling this.

Clark: Oh, this is good. How about this one? Look.

Oliver: Well, we're two different ... you're not thinking this through, okay? These ... these are ... how much did this cost you? Nothing. That's a woman's ring, all right? These are $20 rings out of a vending machine. She deserves better than ... better than that. Right? How about a little privacy there, Blair Witch? Now. I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing. It's st ...

Emil: Bravo, sir.

Clark: Monkey.

Chloe: Monkey? A monkey!

Clark: Watch this.

Chloe: Ta-da!

Emil: Yeah! Yeah!

Clark: Check it out. Check it out. I'd like to introduce you to somebody.

Emil: What's his name?

Clark: This is, uh, Dr...

Chloe: Who?

Clark: ...Lemur.

Emil: Let me tell you something. With being the king comes a lot of responsibility. "Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown," you know what I'm saying?

Emil: Oh, you can't handle what I got. Cut it out. Give it over, baby doll. Let’s see what you got.

[Tess turns the video off]

Oliver: That's great stuff. I'm real proud of you.  Hey. Where are you running off to so quick?

Chloe: What are you doing? I thought we were rendezvousing at your place later.

Oliver: You're leaving again, right?

Chloe: Oliver, I ...

Oliver: It's okay. I can ... I can read between the lines. Chloe, I never expected you to sit up in that ivory Watchtower for the rest of your life. I know better than that. I-I have something, uh... I don't know what you're thinking, but... ...I hope it's not that you're gonna run off without your husband. You didn't take a job in my hometown for nothing. Let's get out of here.


Main photo from http://www.cwtv.com/shows/smallville/

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