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Law & Order Favorite Quotes

Funny lines from the shows

Season One Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 1, Episode 1 — Payback


Stabler: Okay, so it's not a robbery, but stabbings aren't necessarily sexual. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?

Bremmer: Whoever did this sliced off his “cigar” and took it with 'em. Is that specific enough?

(Stabler and Benson both look at the victim and then at each other.)

Benson: Works for me.


Jeffries: Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the COD.

Munch: Do you think your conclusional pole vaults are personality- or gender-driven?

Jeffries: I don't know, John. What about “deductively logical”?

Munch: Oh, really?

Jeffries: Mm-hmm.

Munch: I had what looked like a stabbing once, in Baltimore. Turns out some guy who was getting divorced drank drain cleaner, and when his soon-to-be unmarried widow discovered him dead — no alimony — she stabbed him 15 times out of pique.
Briscoe: Desk sergeant just got a call for a Sex Crimes detective at the 96th Street IRT.

Cragen: Why?

Briscoe: Some guy molesting a dead body.

Cragen: Oh, that is just terrific... Who's up?

Cassidy: Me and Munch.

Cragen: Well, listen, I think a dead molestee can be handled by one detective. Cassidy, you go.

Munch: What about your erstwhile partner?

Stabler: Oh, I'd love to, John, but my presence is required in court this morning.

Cassidy: I read about it on the news — it's the city councilman, right?

Stabler: “Wienie wagger”.
Stabler: I think sex should be one of the best parts of life, not the worst. I do see myself as the father of four children, none of whom I'd like exposed to Mr. Kloster's...shortcomings.

Kloster: Shortcomings! Shortcomings?!!

(Stands, unzips his pants, and proceeds to expose himself to the courtroom.)

Kloster: Shortcomings my ass, you putzhead!
Benson: Hey, how'd it go?

Stabler: He's in Bellevue.

Benson: The jury came back that fast?

Stabler: He waved his flag at 'em before they had a chance... Nobody saluted.

Cragen: Why is this ours? (He takes a bite of the licorice.)

Stabler: The doer sliced off the vic's unit.

(Shot of Cragen spitting the licorice out into his hand.)
Benson: Somebody killed him in his cab last night.

Waitress: This city sucks.

Art Gallery Owner: Unfortunately, Spicer is a disgusting little piece of street meat, but he has an extraordinarily gifted orifice in the middle of his face.


Cassidy: It's cool — John doesn't eat vegetables.

Jeffries: Yeah? (looks at Munch) The way I heard, that's not the only thing John never gets to — uh... eat. (walks out, Chinese food in hand)

Cassidy: Ouch.


Cragen: Innocent Images squad. They're requesting anything we come across goes to Baltimore field office.

Munch: No way. I'm never setting foot in the city of Baltimore again, as long as I'm on this mortal sphere.

Cassidy: Why? You're rich, did your 20, got your pension and you're on the job here.

Munch: I earned that pension with the sweat of my mind, while surrounded by intellectual insects.
(Cut to Stabler waiting while Benson throws up behind a building)

Stabler: (goes to open the car door for Benson:) Remember that Tom Hanks movie where he managed the girls' team? “There's no crying in baseball.” (hands Benson a piece of gum) Maybe I should talk to Cragen.
Munch: (walks up to Marta) Ah, Miss “Slice-and-Dice”. Is the psychodrama over inside, or what?
Cragen: You just used your “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card on this case, Olivia. There's only one in the pack.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 1, Episode 2 — A Single Life


Stabler: Lover's quarrel — they usually kiss and make up.

Tech: (holding up a condom wrapper) Detective — pack of ultra-ribs.

Detective Mourad: (turns to Stabler)  Looks like maybe they did more than kiss.

Benson: (annoyed by the comments) Yeah, he read her a little Walt Whitman, they made hot, passionate love, then right before he rolled over and fell asleep, he heaved her out the window — excuse me — through the window.

Detective Mourad: I'm not sure what this outburst is leading up to.

Benson: Rape.

Detective Mourad: (laughs) Like I said, no forced entry.

Benson: I didn't say it was a stranger.

Detective Mourad: Plus, she wasn't exactly dressed in her “refusal” outfit.

Stabler: I didn't hear you say that.

Detective Mourad: I didn't catch your shield. Are you with the “political correctness squad”, or what?
Cassidy: (grabs one of the pictures) Looks like she was shot out of cannon.

Cragen: Guy on steroids?

Munch: No, the Yankees are on a road trip.

Stabler: (standing up) Yeah, they're down in Baltimore, kickin' a little Oriole ass.
Jeffries: Her boyfriend?

Munch: Or girl. (talking to Jeffries:) You could toss 100 pounds without breaking a sweat.

Jeffries: Toss you, you skinny-ass geek.

Munch: See? The rage?
Benson: She worked at home — all they knew was she carried a laptop with her.

Munch: The whole thing's a pyramid scheme.

Cassidy: What whole thing?

Munch: (pacing) Laptops — we've become a nation of “laptoppers” — writing orders on our laptops, more laptops — whatever happened to pens?
Yuppie Girl: Excuse me, how long does that girl's apartment stay a crime scene?

Benson: Why?

(Stabler: walks up)

Yuppie Guy: 'Cause we're next on the list for a one-bedroom.

(Benson, disgusted with the couple, shakes her head)


Kathy: How the hell do I know? You're the one that wanted to buy the garbage disposal and install it yourself.

Stabler: Wait a minute — Wait a minute. I installed this properly. It's — if you guys would just stop throwing so much crap down it.

Kathy: Maureen, would you get off the phone, please?

Maureen: (on the phone) I gotta go.

(Stabler flips the switch and the disposal rumbles. Proudly looks at Kathy.)

Dickie: (runs in) Mommy, Mommy, have you seen my turtle? I left him in the sink.

(Kathy gives Elliot a look; Stabler looks at Kathy, then down at the disposal)
Hawkins: Detective, how did this become your case? Were you on duty in the subway at the time of the alleged assault?

Cassidy: No. A passenger alerted a member of the Transit Police, who made the arrest. The case was then referred to the Special Victims Unit.

Hawkins: Of which you're a member?

Cassidy: Yes, sir.

Hawkins: For how long?

Cassidy: Let's see... eight months.

Hawkins: So you're an expert on sex crimes — is that correct?

Cassidy: Well, we all something to learn.

Hawkins: I'm sure. Can you tell us the technical, or “psycho-sexual” term, if you will — for fondling a stranger?

Cassidy: (thinking) Fromage...?

(scattered chuckles)

Hawkins: I believe it's “frottage.”

Cassidy: Right, right — “frottage.”

Hawkins: Now, since the passenger in this case turned out not have been sleeping but was in fact deceased, what would you call that?

Cassidy: You know, I don't know what it's called, but I call it disgusting!

Hawkins: You disapprove on moral grounds, but since the so-called victim, being dead, couldn't have know she was being fondled, or “fromaged” by the defendant, where is the assault?
Benson: Dr. Daniels, can you explain when and why you were visiting your patient?

Attorney Daniels: W-w-w-w-wait — he was in Miss Quinn's apartment briefly at lunchtime, at her request, to attend to a crisis.

Benson: Or an erection?

Dr. Mark Daniels: That's insulting.

Stabler: Really? I thought it was the absence of one that was insulting.
Munch: From the Greek, Cassidy:. “Necro” — “death,” “philia,” — “love of.” You try it.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Again.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Or, “Egyptian love,” according to Henry Miller. Necrophilia.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Good man.
Benson: (reading from the file) Okay, “Biology of the Amazons,” by Gretchen Quinn. “There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a... (flips the page)

Cragen: “Candiru.”

(Benson: looks up, surprised that Cragen knew the answer)

Stabler: Say what?

Cragen: This is beautiful. Tell him.

Benson: (reading) “It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines — ” Ow.

Stabler: “Erecting sharp spines — ” that's a fish with a sense of irony. How'd you know that? (flipping through an old book)

Cragen: In the jungle they always taught us, “Don't hold your nose, hold your stones.”
Cassidy: Did you know that necrophilia is not only with dead people?

Benson: (looks at Munch:) Do you see what you started? (shakes her head and pours herself a cup of coffee)

Cassidy: No, I got it off the Net. Supposedly some famous actor out in Hollywood, hires hookers to lie in an ice bath — waits 'till they turn blue with the cold before diving in.

Munch: (patting Cassidy on the back) Let's move on. “Compulsive onanism.”

(shot of Jeffries shaking her head and Stabler looking very amused)

Cassidy: (looks at Benson) “Onanism.” (chuckles)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 1, Episode 8 — Stalked


Cassidy: So you're saying same perp then.

Munch: We've only been partners a few months, but the man's already starting to think like me, only slower.
Birdman: The guy almost pushes me off the bench.

Stabler: What time was that?

Birdman: I don't know, 3:30, 4 — I'd just spotted an Eastern Wood-Pewee.

Benson: Okay. Did he say anything?

Birdman: No.

Benson: Did you?

Birdman: I'm not comfortable talking to people. That's why I watch birds. I like being alone.

Benson: Okay. (turns to the computer and reaches for the mouse)

Birdman: (pointing at the computer screen) What are you — what's this?

Benson: There are 20,000 known sex offenders in our computer. I've narrowed it down from the description you gave. So, holler if you see anything, okay?

Birdman: (turns to Stabler) I'd be better at this if these guys had feathers.

Stabler: Use your binoculars.

Birdman: (looks at the first six, point at first mug shot) That's him! Upper left hand corner.

Benson: Off the first six. Are you sure?

Birdman: Pretty sure. (looks a little harder) Nah. (looks again) Yeah.

Benson: Okay, I'm gonna print him out. And why don't we take a look at a few more, alright? (Benson: pushes a couple of keys to bring up a new group of mug shots)

Birdman: (looks at the screen) No, none of these guys. (Benson leans over to bring up the next set of mug shots, and the birdman stops her) Wait! (looks again) No.

Benson: (Benson: brings up a new set of mug shots) Any of these?

Birdman: (points at the screen) That's him. Lower right-hand corner.

Stabler: So the first guy isn't the guy?

Birdman: Well, they both look like the guy.
Harold Levin: Detective Munch, it's been two hours. Must I keep looking at these?

Munch: It would be a mitzvah.

Harold Levin: Are you?

Munch: Why don't you do 12 more. For the 12 tribes.

Harold Levin: You are, aren't you? Okay. 12 more. (looks at the next set of mug shots and points at the screen) Him! That's the putz who ran into me and called me a Jew bastard on Labor Day.

Cassidy: You're sure...?

Harold Levin: These things, you don't forget.

Munch: Jean Dussault. Canadian. Deported. Cassidy:, put a call into Canada and see if this guy's registered.

Cassidy: Anyone know the area code for Montreal?

(no one says anything)

Harold Levin: I've got to start walking back to Riverdale.

Munch: Walking? I'll put you in a squad car.

Harold Levin: No. Shabbas starts in 10 minutes. I can't be in a car. God protects when you observe. The Jews have kept the Sabbath, and the Sabbath has kept the Jews.

Munch: Yeah, and the police will drive you home. I'm not going to let you walk to Riverdale. Even with God's help, you're not gonna make it through the South Bronx. Farstey?

Harold Levin: Farstey.
Cassidy: (proudly) Munch, I got him. The Labor Day rapist.

Munch: Oh, you got him? What are you, the Lone Ranger now?

Cassidy: Okay — we got him.
Cassidy: I spoke to Canada. They're looking for him.

Munch: That's great, Cassidy. While Dudley Do-Right's out searching the 10 provinces — that's about four million square miles — Dussault could've come back into this country and done Fitzgerald. He's still a suspect.

Cassidy: Go ahead, Munch, rain on my parade.

Munch: I don't just want to rain on your parade, I want to blow up all the floats.
Cassidy: You beat us to that one. Doesn't look like you're going to be getting that pastry chef job at Boulet Bakery. (points at Kenneth Maggio) Would you look at this. What a cliché. He shaves his head to try to make himself look different. But he just makes himself look more and more ugly.

Cassidy: (to Maggio) What's next, huh? Fake glasses, fake nose?

Munch: (puts his index finger through the hole of the donut and shakes it at Maggio) Does this turn you on?

Kenneth Maggio: What do you want?

Munch: Isn't it a little dangerous for you to be around all these helpless donuts?
Munch: You're saying you went over to the dark side ? The love that dare not speak its name? How convenient. Too gay to rape a DA, huh?

Kenneth Maggio: (getting angry) You wanna know why? I'll show you why, huh? (unzips and drops his pants) Here. See?! See?!

(Munch cringes and turns his head away)

Kenneth Maggio: They gave me a welcome bath at Elmira. Soap and sulfuric acid. I can't even rape a freaking ant.


Munch: Guys, check this out. Teddy Kennedy lands in the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th. Neil Armstrong lands on the moon July 20th. Think about that.

Jeffries: And?

Munch: You don't find that amazing?

Jeffries: Nope.

Stabler: You're learning, Jeffries:.
Cassidy: We've got two things for you. Dussault's dead. Canadian's found him colder than a witch's boob at a shack in Moosonee, Canada. OD'd on skag.

Munch: (shakes his head) Poor guy.

Benson: Poor guy?

Munch: Yeah. Imagine trying to score smack in a place called Moosonee. It must've been hell. Probably easier to cop yak turds.
Munch: (walking down the stairs) Chains and sluts, whips and spikes, whores on the rack. This stuff makes de Sade read like Beatrix Potter.
Benson: Maybe he'll turn up.

Munch: That's the idea. Hey, Benson.

Benson: Yeah?

Munch: I hear you may be in this guy's sights the way you squared off in the interrogation room.

Benson: Oh, he's just trying to mess with my head. It's nothing to worry about.

Munch: Yeah, well... everyone at SVU has got your back.

Benson: Thanks, John.

Munch: Need a lift home?

Benson: I'm just waiting for Elliot to get back from Forensics.

Munch: It's just as well. I didn't bring my car.

(Benson: laughs, Munch: pats her on the back and walks out)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 1, Episode 10 — Closure (Part 1)

Cragen: You think Harper is the kind of woman that would buy $500 worth of hand-packed meats?

Benson: Not even if it was on sale.

Stabler: Someone used her credit card.

Cragen: Munch and Cassidy are bringing the suspect over from the two-seven.

(Cut to Munch and Stabler bringing the suspect in)

Munch: This is Ron Johnson.

Stabler: Yeah, the meat lover.


Benson: Where's the meathead?

Stabler: Interrogation.

Benson: 500 pounds of meat.

Stabler: You think he'd be a little more creative.

Benson: Yeah, buy a DVD player or something. (opening her locker)

Stabler: Or even lottery tickets. Up his chances.

Benson: Can you imagine if that guy won the lottery?
Benson: God, what a mess.

Cassidy: I don't know... maybe he's not the guy who did her, you know?

Harper Anderson: (hears Cassidy:'s comment) “Did” me?! The guy who “did” me?! He raped me, you ass!

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 1, Episode 22 — Slaves

Cragen: Alright, people, listen up. One Police Plaza's latest directive — bi-yearly psychological evaluations.

Munch: Bi-yearly for bi-polars.
Cragen: So... this is what it feels like.

Audrey Jackson: What does?

Cragen: To be the suspect.

(Audrey looks at Cragen and smiles)

Cragen: Just kidding... Sort of.
Jeffries: Maybe the Condrescu family knew where the bodies were buried.

Munch: Trust me, whatever happened to these two women started there. All roads lead to Romania.

Cragen: Well, that may be so, John, but what do you say we say we start in Murray Hill.

Munch: (thumbing through the papers) Cafeé Prahova. Soviet bloc ex-patriots plotting coup d'etats over bowls of goulash?

Jeffries: My partner.


Lab Technician: It's a Persian Kashan. A more expensive rug than you'd normally find in dump jobs.

Benson: Yeah? How much?

Lab Technician: Runs around $5,000.

Stabler: Oh! A perp with serious money, huh?

Benson: Or he killed her in a carpet store.

Stabler: (chuckles)
Benson: Oh, you should have seen her when we told her her aunt had been murdered.

Stabler: Nothing. Not a blink.

Munch: Stepford nanny.

Benson: The only time she registered at all on the emotional chart was at the thought of dinner being late.

Audrey Jackson: (listening in on the conversation) It's the Stockholm syndrome. (the detectives all stop and look at her)

Cragen: Brainwashing?

(Audrey nods)

Munch: 1973, four hostages were taken during a botched bank robbery attempt in Stockholm, Sweden. When the SWAT team tried to rescue them, they actively resisted.

Audrey Jackson: After only six days of captivity. And when they were finally rescued, they not only refused to testify against their captors, but they helped raise money for their legal defense.

Cragen: Are you saying we have another Patty Hearst on our hands?


Audrey Jackson: Do you have a girlfriend?

Munch: Do you?

Audrey Jackson: Well, have you dated at all since transferring to this unit?

Munch: Ah, now I see where you're going with this. Does dealing with sexual deviants every day affect me? The answer is no. Just ask my blowup doll.

Audrey Jackson: Do you think that this job has had any effect on your sex life?

Munch: No, but I think I've pinpointed what has. Believe it or not, I have serious intimacy issues. I'm critical and negative. I have an occasional bout of... let's see, melancholy? I'm a lousy date, but a good cop. So, I guess that just about covers everything.

Audrey Jackson: Uh, no. Actually, we have 45 minutes.

Munch: So I suppose you want to hear a detailed account of my sexual history? But how are we going to kill the remaining 44 minutes?

Audrey Jackson: Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?

Munch: Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?

Audrey Jackson: (getting annoyed) Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I'd appreciate a serious answer.

Munch: Once.

Audrey Jackson: Thank you. When did that happen?

Munch: I'm not sure, but it was definitely within the last 10 minutes. I'm sorry. Look, I'm not good at talking about me. You're the expert, why don't you talk about me?

Audrey Jackson: Okay. You've been married multiple times. Each wife was beautiful, spoiled, and not one of them matched you intellectually. You distrust all women, any form of government, and you could smell conspiracy at a five-year-old's lemonade stand.

Munch: (amused) Anything else?

Audrey Jackson: You've given up on relationships. But you still believe in true love. And the pain of never having found it is unbearable.

Munch: (serious) Anything else?
Munch: Hey. Hey, you alright?

Jeffries: Yeah, yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Munch: I don't know, the psych exam? Dr. Giggles had me wanting to eat my gun.
Benson: You took a lethal drug home from work?

Stabler: The same lethal drug that killed Constanta.

Mrs. Morrow: That was for me.

Benson: Why? Because your husband was having sex with Ilena right under your nose?

Mrs. Morrow: Sexuality is about reaching our limits and transcending them.

Stabler: So, did your husband transcend Ilena's aunt?
Randolph Morrow: Honey, I'd like a mineral water, no ice.

Benson: And I'd like your balls in a blender, but ain't life a bitch?
Stabler: Maybe you shouldn't have called her honey. (smiles) Women. I've been trying to break her in for a long time now.

Randolph Morrow: I'd recommend the rack.

Stabler: Sounds painful.

Randolph Morrow: It's excruciating. You have to be careful, though, you can cut off circulation, cause permanent damage.

Stabler: Is that so?

Randolph Morrow: It has to be consensual. Like it is with Ilena.
Randolph Morrow: She'll never testify against me.

Stabler: She will. We control her now.

Randolph Morrow: She doesn't even blink without my permission.

Stabler: (leans down to get in Morrow's face) She blinked.

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