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Charmed Transcript

"Battle of the Hexes" Episode: #8.6 - 13 November 2005

Contributed by Suzanne

Piper: Yeah, no, I-I realize we haven't had a band in a couple of months, but, you,  haven't you read the papers?  I've been helping Homeland...

[ dial tone ]

Piper:  Security.  It even sounds ridiculous to me.  I don't get it. It's, you know, 2 lousy months, and suddenly I'm ice cold.

Leo:  Hey, bands will be back. P-3's still the hottest club in town.

Piper:  Oh, yeah? When? Hey. Watch it.

Leo:  Sorry. Listen, do you want me to talk to Smitty? I'm playing golf with him this afternoon.

Piper:  No. I don't like that guy. He's slimy.

Leo:  Yeah, but he's got connections. He got you The Donnas.

Piper:  Fine. Let him win.

Leo:  [ Chuckles ] Morning.

Paige:  Hi.  I didn't know Leo golfed.

Piper:  Yeah, he does, but not very well. Don't tell him.  Why are you so dressed up?

Paige:  Uh, well, the elders have assigned me a charge, a future whitelighter.

Piper:  So, is that a good thing?

Paige:  Yeah. It is if he's cute.

Phoebe: Don't you ever answer call waiting?

Piper:  Why?

Phoebe: Well, Agent Murphy's been trying to get through. He's got a case for us.

Paige:  A case? What are we, Charlie's Witches? We don't work for him.

Phoebe: Well, apparently, he seems to think that we do, especially after reminding me over and over that he bailed us out of our little jam.

Piper:  That's blackmail.

Phoebe:  No, that's your taxpayer dollars at work.

Paige:  Yeah, well, I can't. I have to go deal with a charge.

Phoebe:  No, no, no, no, no. You're not dumping this in my lap, missy. I am very busy, too. I have dates-- lots and lots of dates.

Piper:  Are you trying to get pregnant again?

Phoebe:  No. I'm trying to find love. So I don't have any more time than you guys do to go through cold cases.

Paige:  What do you mean cold cases?

Phoebe:  Well, there are cases that Murphy seems to think have some supernatural angle to them, so he wants us to go through boxes to see if we can find any thing.

Piper:  How many boxes?  You have got to be kidding me.

THEME

Agent:  Agent Murphy says he wants you to start with these. They're rated para-7 suspicion and higher.

Piper:  Para-7?

Agent:  Paranormal. Don't forget to wear protective gloves. We don't want the evidence tainted.

Phoebe:  Wait a minute. Where are you going? Hey, you can't just leave us here.

Piper:  This can't be legal.

Phoebe:  Well, apparently it is. Let's just get this over with so we can find something.

Piper:  You know, Agent Murphy can't make us do this on a weekly basis. It's boring.

Phoebe:  Well, if he does, we'll just turn him into a frog or something.

[Cell phone rings]

Phoebe:  Don't you answer that.

Piper:  Hello. Hey, how's it going? Of course I can make it.

Phoebe:  Piper, no, you cannot.

Piper:  Ok, see you later. I got to go. It's Leo's music buddy. He's trying to get me a band. It's very, very important.

Phoebe:  All right.

Piper:  You should probably leave those off because you'll get a premonition easier without them.  Ok? Um, so I'll be back in a jiffy.

Phoebe:  Ok. See you later. [Gloves snap] Ow!

Zira:  I need more power.  You said you'd find it for me by now.

Sollal:  I'm doing everything I can, Zira. I've got feelers out everywhere.

Zira:  I don't know how much longer I could take answering to that-- that brute, let alone all the others. I'm getting restless.

Sollal:  And I said I'm working on it.

Tai:  Where's the potion? Why isn't it ready yet?

Zira:  It will be, Tai. I assure you.

Tai:  It better be, or I'll find a new sorceress.

Zira:  I'll show him and his kind who's replaceable, even if I have to kill every last male demon to do it. It's time for females to rule. Especially this female.

Professor: The battle of the sexes is universal, going back to Adam and Eve. In fact, men and women are so different that you have to wonder how we get along at all. What stops us from killing each other? The yin/yang theory explains it best. Yang--male is cold, hard, and unbending.  Yin--female. Warm, soft, and yielding. But...notice the dots. A little bit of each in the other for balance.

[Billie's Gum pops]

Professor: Billie, have something to add?

Billie:  No. Nothing he'd wanna hear anyways.

Professor: Try me.

Billie:  OK, I think this whole thing's just little outdated. It might used to have been before clear-cut, but now men are just wimps or thugs it's women that are balanced.

[ male student belches ]

Billie:  Uh, I rest my case.

Professor: I see your point. But like it or not, behind every good man is a good woman and vice versa. We need each other.

Billie: Hardly. I'm around amazing women all the time that don't need guys. History proves that women are the stronger sex. Let's think back to goddesses, queens, muses, witches--

Male student:  Witches, women-- same difference.

Other male student:  You don't mean witches. You mean bi--

Female student:  Shut up, sicko.

Billie:  The only way there will ever be any balance is if women get the chance to rule.

Professor: Except history doesn't support your theory. When either sex becomes dominant, it's a fiasco.

Billie:  Yeah, for you guys.

Professor: No. For everyone. We're different for a reason. Buy it or not, the yin/yang theory will be on the midterm today.

[All groaning]

[Cell phone]

Billie:  I'm sorry. I gotta take this. Phoebe? Hi. Demons? Ok. I'll just get a cab. All right, bye. Sorry. I got to go. It's a family emergency.

[Student belches]

Piper:  Well, the problem is it's a catch-22. No band wants to play a club that hasn't had a band in a while. On the other hand, I need a band.

Smitty:  That is a problem.

Piper:  Yes, but not an insurmountable one, right?

Smitty:  Yeah, it's true. You guys have a great track record. I mean, you-- you used to boOK a lot of talent.

Piper:  Uh-huh. And we still can. It just takes one.

Smitty:  You're not gonna get a headliner.

Piper:  Ok. Uh...well, what if we do a benefit for the hurricane victims?

Smitty:  Maybe I can get you a chick band, but that's about it.

Piper:  A chick band?

Smitty:  But it won't help much because there aren't very many hip ones.

Piper:  I'm sorry, but there's a lot of hugely successful female bands around

Smitty:  Yeah, but you're not gonna get any of 'em.

Piper:  Well, why not? We used to.

Smitty:  Whoa. Don't get all emotional on me, baby.

Piper:  Oh, no. This is not emotional. Would you like to see emotional? Because I can get emotional.

Leo:  Smitty, bottom line is we really could use your help, so maybe there's somebody who owes you a favor.

Piper:  Oh, no. I don't need no favors from him.

Smitty:  Ok. Oh, well, um, Liz Phair's passing through town. She likes a good charity. But we'll talk later when the ol' ball and chain isn't around. [ Chuckles ]

Leo:  All right.

Piper:  Why were you so nice to him? Why did you not throw him out on his macho pig ass?

Leo:  Because I'm trying to get you a band. Smitty has a point. The music business is all about what's current.

Piper:  Well, currently, I am very irritated.

Leo:  OK, well, then you need to take a deep breath and relax.

Piper:  Oh, I see. Now you think I'm being overly emotional.

Leo:  [ Chuckles ] Not at all. It's all good.

[Piper scoffs]

Phoebe:  All I'm saying is I have coffee at 6:00, a dinner date at 8:00. So if Billie's not here--

Paige:  Believe it or not, I would rather be helping you than be where I am right now.

Phoebe: Why? Where are you?

Paige:  I'm, uh... on Skid Row, trying to figure out how to introduce myself to my new charge.

Phoebe: Well, what's stopping you?

Paige:  Well, I have to wait for the other felon to leave first.

Phoebe: Why?

[Men arguing]

Paige:  Apparently, this kid's at a crossroads. I'm supposed to help him figure out how to make the right choice, like that's gonna be real easy.

Phoebe:  Well, back to our little problem here.

Donnie:  Don't tell me no, punk. You owe me.

Paige:  I got to go. He's getting beat up.  OK.

Phoebe:  Wait. But--

Speed:  LoOK, I'm just trying to stay out of trouble, Donnie, that's all.

Donnie:  Yeah?  Well, you don't drive, and you're gonna be in a world of trouble with me. You got that, Speed? Huh?!

Paige: Hey!

Donnie:  You better show up. Punk.

Paige:  You OK?

Speed:  Who are you?

Paige:  Uh, I'm someone who just saved you from getting your ass kicked, that's who I am.

Speed:  Lady, I don't think so.

Paige:  Speed, I know who you are. I'm just trying to help you.

Speed:  What are you, my guardian angel or something?

Paige:  Yeah. Or something.

Speed:  Aw, shoot!

Paige:  Wait!

Henry:  You dented my hood. That's gonna cost you.

Speed:  It wasn't what you think, all right? The dude just tracked me down.

Paige:  Leave him alone or I'm gonna call the cops.

Henry:  Don't bother. That's where he's headed already.

Paige:  You're a parole officer?

Henry:  LoOK at that. Your girlfriend can read, huh?

Paige:  What'd he do?

Henry:  BrOKe parole. Consorting with a known felon.

Speed:  Man, that's not what happened. Come on, you gotta believe me.

Henry:  Actually, no, I don't. I wouldn't hang around out here, lady, if I were you. Not dressed like that.

[Tires screech]

Billie:  Wow. These are so Greta Garbo. Hey, now there's a woman that didn't need a man to make her feel complete.

Phoebe:  Hey, Billie, those are evidence, OK? And not to mention somebody probably died in them. Hello. No. I said I'm dying to see you. It just must be a really bad connection.

Billie:  Now, this is the kind of bondage men want us in? You know, I don't even know why you bother hoOKing up. After seeing this guy in my class this morning, I am so sure women should be on top.

Phoebe:  Do you mind?

Billie:  I'm sorry. I meant that metaphorically.

Phoebe:  Well, I'm speaking to a guy, OK, and he means metaphysically.

Billie:  Yeah, see, that's the thing. Men just keep using their little heads to do all the thinking for them. You know, this whole yin/yang thing, it's a complete hoax. I mean, loOK at this lame gig. Once again, the male establishment is using women's skills for their busywork.

Phoebe:  You know what? I gotta go, OK? Yeah, I can't wait to see you, too. Sunday. All right. Thanks. Bye. Hey, can we lay off the male bashing, please?

Billie:  Sorry. I've just had one too many lame dates lately. I don't understand. Everyone I go out with is so immature and childish. Does that ever change? Do they ever grow up?

Phoebe:  Well, if I ever get outta here, I'll let you know.

Billie:  Hey. Check this thing out.

Phoebe:  No, no. No.

Billie:  Uh, what just happened?

Phoebe:  We're screwed. That's what happened.

[Catcalls]

Phoebe: This is unbelievable. Piper takes the car. Paige orbs. Does anyone stop and think that Phoebe can't orb? No, of course not. Why? Because it's all about them.

Billie:  OK, hi. Yeah. I can't get this thing off.

Phoebe: Yeah, don't even bother. It's gonna take a spell or a potion or some kind of emotional epiphany.

Billie: That blows. Are you sure?

Phoebe:  Hello! Voice of experience. I've been turned into a mermaid, a mummy, a genie, OK?  Trust me. I know these things.

Billie:  I can't believe this. I feel so stupid. I had to put the belt on.

Phoebe: It's OK. Just think of it as initiation. It happens to the best of us.

Billie:  So it's not that bad?

Phoebe: Oh, no. It's bad. It's very, very bad.

[Catcall]

Billie:  Please, someone vanquish me now.

Phoebe: Ok, we got to get you out of here. Hey, taxi!

[Both gasp]

Taxi driver:  What the hell did you do to my cab?

Phoebe: Put it back, put it back. Put it back. Let's go.  Let's go. 

[Crash]

Sollal:  A dormant power's just been activated.

Zira:  What do you mean dormant?

Sollal:  Well, judging by its intensity and frequency of the emissions, I thought it was the Crystal of Kazimar. But it's even more powerful than that. The Golden Belt of Gaea.

Zira:  "The goddesses' gift to Hippolyta endows the woman wearing it with transcendent powers."  I'm sold. How do I get it?

Sollal:  Trust me. You don't want it. It would destroy you the moment you put it on. You're evil.

Zira:  Then what good is it to me?

Sollal:  Well, you could still appropriate its powers getting the woman who's wearing it to do your bidding for you.

Zira:  How, if she's good?

Sollal:  The belt's power will compel her to use its force whether she wants to or not. In time, it'll drive her to madness, consume her. Of course, if you were to befriend her before that...

Zira:  Then I can get her to use the powers for me, to get rid of Tai. How do we find her?

Paige: There you are.

Henry:  What about Jake? Did he check in yet?

Paige:  Hey. Excuse me. You almost hit me.

Henry:  Hey, I'm gonna call you back. Yeah, yeah.  Excuse me?

Paige:  Before you peeled out of there, you nearly hit me.

Henry:  Oh. Sorry about that.

Paige:  Oh.

Henry:  Is that what you came all the way down here for?

Paige:  Yeah. That and just to, you know, check and see how Speed's doing.

Henry:  let me guess. Missionary? Social worker? Do-gooder?

Paige:  Homeland Security, actually.

Henry:  Really?

Paige:  Mm-hmm. Check it out if you want.

Henry:  All right, I think I will. So what does Homeland Security want with a street thug like Speed?

Paige:  He's not a thug. He's a kid.

Henry:  Oh, no, no. No. He's 18.

Paige:  Barely.

Henry:  Well, barely counts, and he's gonna learn that.

Paige:  Well, where's he supposed to learn that? In jail?

Henry:  No. We try to scare him so that maybe he won't go back to jail.

Frank:  Here you go, Henry. He's all yours.

Henry:  Thanks, Frank.

Paige:  What's she doing here?

Henry:  She's looking out for you, so don't let her down. Hey, from now on, it's for real. You got that? No more juvie passes. Next time it counts.

Speed:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry:  You feds better keep your books open on this one. Ing tells me you're gonna see him again.

Paige:  No. We won't. He's destined for greatness.

Speed:  You hear that? I'm destined for greatness.

Henry:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't make your 4:00 check-in with me, you're gonna be destined for prison.   Go on.  I'm gonna take you home.

Piper:  How many times do I have to say it? I'd rather lose the club than have somebody like Smitty help me out.

Leo:  OK, but you're letting your feelings about the guy get in the way of good business.

Piper:  Oh, so, basically, you agree with him.  Now not only am I emotional, but I am also, in fact, stupid.

Leo:  That's not what I meant.

Piper:  You know what? At least I hold on to my principles.

Leo:  OK, you know what, let's stop with the mudslinging and think about this rationally.

Piper:  Oh.  So now I'm irrational?

Leo:  No. Yes. You're being irrational. Smitty has amazing connections. It doesn't make sense to alienate him.

Piper:  OK, fine. You know what? You deal with him, man to man, all right? More power to you.

[Door hinges crack]

Billie:  Sorry.

Piper:  Oh...

Phoebe:  Yeah, she's a superhero. But, no, you can't get mad at her because it's your fault.

Piper:  My fault?

Phoebe:  Yeah, she tried on a belt in one of the boxes that you were supposed to be going through.

Billie:  I couldn't help myself.

Piper:  Oh, no. Really?

Phoebe:  OK, enough with the chatter. We have to figure out how to get it off of her.

Leo:  It's not gonna be easy. That looks like Hippolyta's belt.

Piper:  Hippo-who?

Billie:  W-wait. I know her from my anthology class. Greek queen. Super powerful. Wanted to create men and women equal. Wait a second. Didn't Hercules butcher her?

Leo:  That's the one.

Billie:  Oh, that's just great.

Piper:  Oh, no.  Why did you go and do that? Who's gonna pick up the kids?

Leo: What do you mean?

Phoebe:  Leo, look at yourself.

Leo: Ohh.

Piper:  All right, turn him back. Right now.

Billie:  I don't know how. I didn't do it. This did it.

Piper:  Huh. All right.   Fine.

Billie:  Did you just try and kill me?

Piper:  Go easy.

Phoebe:  Billie, relax. Of course not. What's the matter with you?

Billie:  I don't know. That was really weird. Please get this off me.

Phoebe:  To the book.

Piper:  All right. What aren't you telling us? And don't think just because you're invisible that I won't--

Leo:  OK. I know the goddesses who made the belt came up with a way to take it off. But if we can't figure out what that was, Billie's gonna die.

Piper:  Oh, Like the woman who wore it before, who ended up in Murphy's cold case.

Leo:  Probably.  I mean, the belt holds enormous power, Piper. It seduces the wearer before it drives her insane.

Piper:  We gotta fix this before it goes horribly wrong.

Leo:  Like it's not already.

Piper:  All right, that's not funny. Move it. Move. Mm.

Tai: Where's this belt?

Zira:  It won't just come to you on its own, Tai. It must be lured. She must be lured.

Tai:  How?

Zira:  By attacking an innocent, a female.  But it must be more than just an attack.  You'll need to torment her if you wish to compel the mistress of the belt to come to her aid.

Tai:  I brought my demons here to torment one innocent?

Zira:  No. You brought them here to help you get power beyond your imagination. Imagine your status in the underworld when you bring such a trophy back. All will bow to you.  If, of course, you can take the belt away from her. It won't be easy.

Tai:  I think I can handle one lousy woman.

Zira:  Oh, so strong. Still, better safe than sorry. I'll prepare for the belt's arrival.

Phoebe:  Ok, you just sit down right here and relax until we can figure out a way to get that thing off you.

Piper:  If we can. If we can, we should soon before she turns any more men invisible.

Phoebe:  Yeah.  Well, you and I both know something horrible is gonna have to happen before we can get her out of that get-up.

Billie:  Ohhh! I scratched my pretty belt.

Piper:  Oh, dear.  Now it's her "pretty belt."

Billie:  What does that mean?

Phoebe:  It just means that maybe the belt is starting to affect you.

Billie:  I don't think the belt is starting to affect me. OK? I would know if-- oh, hold on. I think I'm getting a call.

Piper:  A call?

Billie:  Yeah. I'll be right back.

Phoebe:  Oh!

[Leo grunts]

Leo: Whoa! Anybody? Help? Anybody?

Tai:  Over here... we're coming for you.

Girl:  Dear God, help!

Billie:  That's no way to treat a woman.

Tai:  Get the belt.

Billie:  I don't think so. Men.

Piper:  Sweetie? Honey? Are you all right?

Leo:  Yeah, except for the fact nobody can see me.

Phoebe:  And the fact that the girl that did it you is out doing God knows what.  We have to find her.

Leo:  Whoa!  Watch the door...

Bilie:  Um, sorry, I'm still getting used to this blurring thing, but oh, is it fun!

Phoebe:  Fun? You're having fun? We were worried about you.  Where have you been?

Billie:  Well, let's see.  I rescued a woman distress, I killed off a bunch of male demons, and I scratched my pretty belt again.

Phoebe:  OK, Billie, I think you're getting a little too attached to that thing.

Piper:  Yeah, until we get it off, maybe you should kind of stay put.

Billie:  No, I don't wanna take it off. It makes me feel powerful.

Leo: See that's a problem.

Piper:  Actually, here's a problem.

[Ring]

Piper:  Why are men so threatened by powerful women?

Phoebe:  Hey, look, I'm busy. I'll call you when I have time. There is nothing worse than a needy guy.

Piper:  Right.

Leo: Uh, ladies, I think the belt's affecting you, too.

Piper:  Oh, shush it, will you?

Phoebe:  Is there any way you can make his voice disappear?

Leo: Which means it's growing stronger.

 Billie:  Oh, you are such a downer. No wonder I made you invisible. Oops. My midterm. Almost forgot.

Piper: Oh, hey, could you make Leo visible again before go?

Phoebe:  Really? Why?

Piper:  Well, he's gotta play golf apparently to get me a band. So what can I tell you? It's a man's world.

[Leo chuckling]

Billie:  Tsk.  I guess I can try.

Billie:  Oh, it worked.  Right on.

Piper:  What the hell just happened?

Phoebe:  I think her powers are getting stronger.

Leo:  And taking her over.

Piper:  Well, then we have to stop her her

Zira:  He wants to go after her again. I can't hold him off much longer. Why didn't it work? Why didn't she kill him?

Sollal:  I'm telling you, we're almost there.

Zira:  How do you figure?  Tai's alive. Male demons are still in control, but I don't see any Wonder Witch here to help me change things.

Sollal:  She killed his gang, didn't she? That means the belt's hold on her is strengthening. Now, soon she'll be so intoxicated by it, you'll be able to make your move, turn her.

Zira:  Not if Tai kills me first.

Sollal:  Then use your wiles to hold him at bay until I can find her. She will be yours for the taking in no time.

Zira:  You'd better be right... or else there'll be one more male demon to become extinct.

[Knock on door]

Paige:  Speed. Finally. Where have you been?

Henry:  What are you doing here?

Paige:  What are you doing here?

Henry:  I'm supposed to be here. I'm the parole officer, remember? How did you get in? That door was locked.

Paige:  I have my ways.

Henry:  Really? Oh, I'm listening.

Paige:  Look--

Henry:  No. You look. I don't know what your name is.

Paige:  My name is Paige.

Henry:  Ok, Paige. Well, I have a job to do and a parolee to bust. Now, what do you know about all that?

Paige:  I don't know anything about all that. I just came here to talk to him, OK?

Henry:  Talk about what?

Paige:  Talk about his future.  You know, how not to blow it.

Henry:  And you think that that's all it's gonna take to keep him out of trouble? Just some talk?

Paige:  Well, it's a start, isn't it?

Henry:  Why do you believe in him so much?

Paige:  Why don't you?

Henry:  No, I used to, for the last 10 years. But I'm getting pretty tired of trying to save his useless ass.

Paige:  Great. Don't. I'll do it.

Henry:  You'll do it?

Paige:  Mm-hmm.

Henry:  You're a little late.

Paige:  What do you mean?

Henry:  I mean, he's not here, is he?  No.  Which means he's with Donnie, which means Donnie talked him into the job.

Paige:  Jobs are good things.

Henry:  Not that kind of a job. Robbing a liquor store. Yeah. That's right. And the cops know all about it. And they're gonna bust him in the act. .

Paige:  No, no.  Speed's not gonna be there.

Henry:  I got 20 bucks says he will.

Paige:  I have 20 that says he won't. You're on.

Henry:  Let's go.

Paige:  Where?

Henry:  And prove you wrong. After you.

Professor:  20 minutes, guys.  20 minutes.

Female student:  Talk about tacky.

Male student #1:  Hey, Super Babe.

Male student #2:  I could use some action.

Professor:  Shh, shh, shh, shh.  Test half over. Time you have left, you'll be lucky to get a "C."

Billie:  Wouldn't expect anything more from a sexist pig like you.

Class:  Ohh.

Professor:  Excuse me?

Billie:  Well, you have to admit your theories are slanted to more of a male perspective.

Professor:  So is the superhero costume a comment on the male hierarchy? I assume you're making a statement.

Male student:  Yeah, that she's hot.

Female student:  Shut up, pig!  What are you laughing at?

Male student:  Ok. Chill out. Huh? Wait. Stop.

Professor:  This isn't necessary-- aah!

Billie:  This isn't right.

Zira:  This isn't what you wanted, is it?  I can help you.

Billie:  Who are you?

Zira:  Someone who understands. Come with me... and all your questions will be answered.

Piper:  I can't believe we missed her.

Phoebe:  Well, at least she left there before the entire class killed each other.

Piper:  You mean before the girls killed the boys.

Leo:  Sounds like history's repeating itself. Hippolyta tried to use the belt to create harmony between the sexes. It blew up in her face, too.

Phoebe:  Dare I ask what happened next?

Leo:  Well, she retreated to an island of women, killing any man who dared enter.

Piper:  Well, one must have gotten through because Billie said Hercules killed her.

Leo:  Which is why everyone who's worn the belt since has tried to rid the entire world of men.

Phoebe:  Oh, great. Just when I start dating again.

Piper:  You know, that means Wyatt and Chris, too.

Phoebe:  Oh, come on. What are the possibilities of this really happening? Other people have worn the belt before and men are still walking around.

Leo:  But Billie was a powerful witch before she put the belt on, which pretty much makes her invincible. She could do it, or at least, kill a lot of men trying.

Piper:  So, what, our only hope is that the belt drives her insane and kills her first?

Leo:  No, we have to figure out a way to get the belt off of her, and contain her, obviously, so she doesn't do any harm.

Piper:  If we can find her.

Leo:  I guess I won't be golfing after all.

Piper:  No. Actually, I think you should. You're the target. I want you as far away as possible.

Leo:  Yes, but you're vulnerable to the belt's powers. I'm not.

Piper:  Yeah, I-- I know, but now that we know what to expect, we'll keep our distance, I promise.  Now, really, you should go, and if, you know, you find me a band in the process, that wouldn't be such a bad thing,

Zira:  Don't you see? Women have evolved while men have grown more barbaric. Your destiny is to unite women-- bring peace into the world, and I can help.

Billie:  But you're a demon.

Zira:  But I don't want to be. Nor with your powers will I have to be any longer. This whole good-versus-evil paradigm-- it's all been fostered by men to divide us because they can't create life. So they try to destroy it.

Billie:  I don't know.

Zira:  Oh, think about it. We're at magic school. It's filled with demons, which means if I wanted you dead, you would be.

Billie:  What do you want?

Zira:  Peace. Harmony. Just...like...you. With women ruling, good and evil goes away. All walks of life live as one. Of course, we may have to kill a few...de-men in the process. But that's where you come in.

Billie:  I should talk to the sisters first.

Zira:  They don't believe in a women's utopia like we do. They're stuck in the old ways.  Battles.

Billie:  No. No, they're very strong women.

Zira:  Who have been corrupted by the male hierarchy. They're scared of change. They'd do anything to stop you, which is why it's so important we take over magic school, make it our base. Peace. Unity. Think about it.

Sollal:  She's not well.  She'll be dead soon.

Zira:  She just needs to live long enough to kill Tai. Then no one will dare challenge me.

[Paige groans]

Henry:  You all right?

Paige:  Yeah. I just have to go to the bathroom is all.

Henry:  Oh. Why didn't you say so? Here you go. I won't look.

Paige:  That's disgusting.

Henry:  First stakeout, huh?

Paige:  No. I've been on lots of stakeouts. What?

Henry:  I don't know. Still trying to figure you out.

Paige:  Why?

Henry:  'Cause I can't. That's why. I do like a challenge, though.

Dispatch: Suspect vehicle approaching south on Larson. Over. Suspect vehicle is in position, 2 black males considered armed and dangerous. Stand by. Over.

Henry:  Damn. It looks like you lost our bet.

Paige:  He hasn't done anything yet.

Henry:  Boy, you are an optimist, huh?

Paige:  No. I just have faith.

Henry:  Yeah. So do I.

Donnie:  Yo. Chill, dog.

Speed:  Look, I don't wanna be doing this.

Donnie:  Yeah? Well, it's too late. What are you waiting for? Drive to the front.

Speed:  I can't, man. I don't wanna be doing this. I can't.

Donnie:  The hell you can't. Drive, damn it.

[Burglar alarm sounds]

Dispatch: All units engage, engage!

Henry:  Stay here. Son of a bitch. Aah!

[Tires screech]

Policeman:  Police! Freeze! Don't move!

Henry:  You owe me 20 bucks.

Phoebe:  This isn't working. Either super Billie's completely taken over or she just doesn't wanna be found.

Piper:  Well, we could try the "to call a lost witch" spell. If there's any witch left in her, it should bring her back here whether she likes it or not.

Phoebe:  Well, what if that doesn't work?

Piper:  Well, then mankind has got a serious problem.

Phoebe:  Oh, I should've stopped her.

Piper:  Don't worry about it. It's a job hazard. It would've happened sooner or later.

Phoebe:  She's gonna be pretty upset when she comes back here. Do you think we should call for Paige?

Piper:  No. She's got her own innocent to save. Besides, if Billie gets here and we can't handle it, we'll call for her.

Both: "Power of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies. Come to us who care, come to us and settle here."

Billie:  What did you do that for?

Phoebe:  We we just worried about you, that's all.

Billie:  That's bull. You just don't want me to create my utopia.

Piper:  Your what?

Phoebe:  Are you kidding? We love utopias. I mean, we're witches you know.   We're into the girl power.

Billie:   Fine. What do you want?

Phoebe:  We just wanna talk, see how you're doing.

Piper:  Now!

Billie:  Aah! You lied to me! Zira was right.

Phoebe:  Zira?

[Billie shouting]

[Grunts] There's no wrath like a woman scorned.

Piper:  Huh. We have got to find her and bring her back here 'cause I am not cleaning up this mess.

Billie:  Zira.  I'm all yours.

Phoebe:  So, maybe we could try the spell again and bring her back.

Piper:  And do what with her, watch her destroy the rest of the house? I mean, we can't contain her.

Phoebe:  There's gotta be a way.

Leo:  Hey. I, uh, guess Billie's still wearing the belt, huh?

Piper: You think?

Phoebe:  Oh, nice. You're out playing golf while we're trying to save your gender.

Piper:  No. I told him to, and it's a good thing I did, because Billie might have killed you.

Leo:  She's getting worse, isn't e?

Phoebe:  Yeah, And she's teamed up with a demon.   If I were a guy, I'd definitely be a little nervous.

Leo:  Any chance that she went back to magic school?

Piper:  Maybe. Why?

Leo:  Well, because if they did, we might be able to get the belt off her there.   The goddesses' spell's got to be in one of the history books.

Piper: It's gonna be pretty tough to get by her unseen.

Leo:  Well, I think unseen is the answer.

Henry:  You wouldn't listen to me, huh? Just had to go and do something stupid.

Paige:  Hey, easy.

Speed:  Oh, man, you don't understand.

Henry:  No, I understand.  You screwed up.  That's what I understand.

Paige:  Why don't you just listen to what he has to say?

Henry:  I don't like this any better than you do, OK? I don't have any choice. He's an accessory to robbery, and I'm gonna take him in.

Speed:  I'm telling you, that's not the way it went down.

Henry:  OK. Well, why don't you tell that to the judge?

Paige:  Wait. What happened?

Henry:  What happened to you?

Speed:  That was tell you. Donnie stuck me 'cause I wouldn't drive.

Henry:  Then what the hell were you doing there? Huh?

Speed:  Just forget it, man.

Paige:  No. No. If what he's saying is the truth, then that makes him innocent.

Henry:  That's not my call.

Paige:  Actually, it is your call whether you take him in or not. Look, why don't you check the other guy's knife? If his blood is on it, then he's exonerated.

Henry:  Let's go. Excuse us.

[ Paige's cell phone rings]

Paige:  What?

Tai:  You set me up.

Zira:  It's called evolution, Tai. Your kind's irrelevant.

Tai:  You fool. She's just using you. There's no battle of the sexes. The eternal fighl is between good and evil.

Zira:  I can't believe he's finally dead. It's almost anticlimactic.

Sollal:  Is he really gone?

Zira:  You missed one

Sollal:   Ah!

Billie sSighs]

Zira:  Are you all right? You don't look well.

Billie:  I don't feel very good.

Zira:  It's all right. You just rest. It'll be all over soon. I promise.

Phoebe:  Sooner than you think.

Billie:  What are you doing here?

Piper:  Oh, we've come to save you.

Paige:  Again.

Zira:  You can't save her. It's too late.

Piper:  Wanna bet?

Paige:  Book.

Zira:  They're after your belt. Kill them.

Piper: Leo!

Leo: Nooooo! Say the damn spell!

Paige:  "For all the world to work as one, in harmony it must be undone."  Belt!

Zira:  Uh-oh.

[Paige sighs]

Piper:  All right. Come out, come out, wherever you are.  Huh. It's nice to see you.

Leo:  It's good to be seen.

Billie:  What happened?

Paige: Leo, uh, just saved your life.

Phoebe:  Yin/yang working together, just like it should be.

[Billie sighs]

Piper:  Good job, yang.

Leo:  [Chuckles] Thanks, yin.

Speed:  What are we doing?

Henry:  Yeah, inspector.   It's Henry. Hey, by any chance did that kidDdonnie have a knife on him when he was arrested? It had blood on it? No, no, no. It's nothing. I was just curious. Thanks. Turn around.

Speed:  What's up?

Henry:  I'm letting you go. That's what's up.

Speed:  Wait. So-so you mean you believe me?

Henry:  This time. Go.

[Cell phone rings]

Paige:  Hello.

Henry: So do you want cash, or can I send you a check?

Paige:  Henry?

Henry:  You were right about the kid. He was clean.

Paige: How did you get my number?

Henry:  Oh, you're not the only one with connections.

Paige:  I see.

Henry:  Hey, Speed owes you. I--I owe you, too.

Paige:  Just doing my job.

Henry:  Well... good night.

Paige:  Good night.

Piper:  That better be a virgin colada. I don't wanna lose my license the same night I land Liz Phair.

Billie:  Don't worry. I think I've caused enough trouble for you guys for one day.

Phoebe:  You were bound to turn into something eventually.

Billie:  Yeah. But Wonder Witch? Not to mention I almost terminated an entire gender.

Phoebe:  Yeah, but the point is you didn't.

Piper:  Thankfully.

Billie:  Yeah, I just wish I still wasn't so confused about men.

Phoebe:  Don't worry. They're just as confused about us.

Billie:  I know, but I'm still a little gun-shy.

Phoebe:  It's OK. You have time.

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. Welcome to P-3 Liz Phair!

Billie:  I still can't believe Leo got her.

Piper:  Yeah. Guys. Golf. Go figure.

Phoebe:  To the mystery of men.

I'm so far, far, so far away it now

that it seems like I may never know how

people stay in love for half of their lives

it's a secret they keep between the husbands and wives

baby, there goes somebody's miracle

walkin' down the street

there goes some other fairy tale

I wish it could happen to me

but I look at myself

and I think, what the hell?

Maybe I'm just too naive to have such faith in myself

you know, I'm prayin' for it

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