Previously on "Charmed"...

Leo: I should have gone taller. I always wanted to be taller. Why'd you go blond?

Piper: I don't know. I didn't have a lot of time to think about it.

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Piper:  They think I'm somebody else.

Paige: You are somebody else.

Piper:  But I'm not a fugitive. This is not the alias that I picked, at least, not intentionally.

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Paige: So, missy, where are you gonna get your next alias from? Time magazine?

Piper: I came up with this one on my own, thank you.

Paige: Well, just make sure it's not off the most wanted list.

Piper: Trust me.

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Dex:  Dex Lawson.

Phoebe:  Nice to meet you, Dex.

Dex:  You, too.

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Piper: So, what happened to the demon?

Paige:  I don't know. This chick came along and scared him off.

Piper & Phoebe: What chick?

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Billie:  I'm here because you need me, right? So the more you teach me, the more I can get out there and go kick some demon ass.

Paige: We want to keep the use of magic to a minimum so the demons don't find out we're still alive.

Leo:  Knowing how untrained and untethered magic could lead to disaster, the one in Atlantis being the prime example, the elders they knew that they needed to nurture young magic. The elders knew they needed to nurture young magic. Billie. Billie, are you listening to me?

Billie:  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Untethered magic, elders, yada-yada-yada.

Leo:  Okay, listen, if you're gonna take over the fight for the greater good, I really don't think it's a bad idea if you know the history of good magic.  Listen, Paige wanted me to teach you something good, and I think you're kind of making me look bad right now.

Billie:  Oh, come on. You could be teaching me tic-tac-toe. She wouldn't care. She's just happy your getting me off her back for the day.

Leo:  Okay. So, the magical community knew it needed a place to nurture young magic, so the elders created magic school.

Billie:  Yeah. You know, I'm just imagining a bunch of old farts in robes lecturing on the moral implications of magic.

Leo:  There's that. There's also advanced courses in telekinesis, spell casting, potion making--

Billie:  Wait. What?

Leo:  Astral projection, and medieval weaponry.

Billie:  They really teach that stuff?  [She makes her nunchucks levitate][Gasps] This is so cool!  [The nunchucks break the window] Oh, sorry.

Piper: Ow! [A needle pokes her at the sewing machine]

Paige: Okay, either there is a gremlin infestation in this house, or Wyatt's little orby fingers have gotten a hold of my jewelry.

Piper:  Jewels this early in the morning? What's the occasion?

Paige: [Groans] I have a coffee date and I'm trying to get out of here before Leo changes his mind about training Billie.

Paige: Oh, nice try, little pirate. I see what you've got here.  Thanks a lot, matey.

Piper:  Oh, Wyatt, honey! Mommy said no magic.

Paige: Well, it's good to know you are more worried about him using magic than you are about him, uh, stealing.

Piper:  Actually, I'm more concerned with him blowing our cover with his school play coming up.

Paige: Not your cup of tea, huh?

Piper: No, I'm just a little out of practice, thank you.

Paige: Yeah, well, me, too. Hence the...morning date. Okay, here's my problem. Do I pick a lipstick color to go with my face... or my alias' face?

Piper:  Well... seeing as we're the only ones who can see the real you, I'd go with...pink.

Paige: Awww. I take it you're not liking this whole... "new you" thing.

Piper:  No. I guess I just miss the old me a little. Uh, why are you doing this on-line dating thing anyway? You get asked out all the time.

Paige: Not anymore, not with me having to deal with Billie all the time. Besides, it's not any riskier than what Phoebe's doing, right?

Piper: What do you mean?

Paige: I don't care how many charts she looks at to see if Dex is the father of her future child. He's still a player.

Piper: Oh, Paige--

Paige: What? It's true. Even her own newspaper writes about it in the gossip column.

Piper:  Yeah, I realize that, but in the interest of sisterly harmony, I would really--

Phoebe: Hey, guys. Did you hear the good news?

Paige: Hmm. Let me guess. Dex is the one?

Phoebe: Yep, according to every magical calculation there is.

Paige: Uh-huh!

Phoebe: Not only that, but it all times out perfectly. You know, my vision of us getting married, when I'm supposed to get pregnant, all of it. He's the one.

Paige: Yeah. Maybe you should just check that one more time.

Phoebe: I'm sorry?

Piper: What do you think of this snazzy costume? [Holds up costume]

[Phoebe laughs]

Piper: Come on, sweetie. Don't you wanna be one of Cinderella's footman? Okay. Hang on a second. Come on.  What's wrong? It's a good costume. Look. It's shiny.... What's the matter? 

Mandi:  Hi, cutie-pie.What's going on?

Piper:  I don't know. He's never usually like this.  He just hates it. Maybe he's allergic to the fabric.

Mandi:  Or something could be sticking him. A pin? A needle maybe?

Piper:  Oh, no, no. I checked it. Oh, that couldn't have been in there. Really. He tried it on before and was fine.

Mandi:  It's okay. You're doing the best you can, not being his real mom and all. You're a distant cousin, right?

Piper:  Oh, we're a little bit closer than you think.

Mandi:  Well, isn't that good to know. Here. How's the other costume coming?

Piper:  Uh...the other... 

Mandi: The pumpkin? It was on the info sheet I sent out.

Piper:  The other costume. Right! Uhh...it's all sewn up.

Mandi:  Great. As long as it looks like the other boys'. You know how kids can tease. Okay, Wyatt. Let's go work on that forest scene, okay? Let's go.

[Piper watches them go]

[Outside, Mandi magically burns up Wyatt's costume]

Mandi:  [Sighs] Our little secret. Shh.

[Her eyes go black for a moment, then return to normal as she smooths her hair]

Date: Looks can be deceiving, but your picture on the dating site didn't do you justice.

Paige:  Thank you. That's very nice.

Date: So, tell me what you do that keeps you so crazy busy.

Paige: Oh, did I say that I was?

Date: No. But I sense you're like me, old-fashioned at heart, not one to do the on-line dating thing but too swamped to meet people any other way.

Paige:  Yeah. Well, you could say I... haven't had a normal life in a while, but, uh... I think that could be changing. 

Date: Good. [Laughs] So, uh... what do you do?

Paige:  Well, uh, I teach-- or, I taught. Kind of a, um... a special-needs school, if you will. I tutor one-on-one now. The girl's a real pain in the butt, let me tell-- Okay. Over-sharing. Um, what do you do?

Date: Okay. Well, where to start? I find that the most exciting thing about market research is the variety. I mean, the arenas we interface with, whether it be the job's pharmaceutical validation of qualification, FDA compliance, info tech, you name it. First thing we do is we get a database in order. [Paige becomes distracted] Blah, blah-blaah, ah, blah, blah-blah.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.  Blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah... [She sees Sylvia]

Sylvia: Dex?

Date: Blah-blah-blah...

Dex:  Hey, babe.

Sylvia: Hey. [She embraces and kisses Dex]

Date: Blah, blah-blah, blah... blah, blah, blah-blah.

Paige: Blah. [She gets up and walks away from the table]

Phoebe:  So I'm fine with color, but if you can see if Jess can fit me in for a quick cut after my leg wax, that would be great.

Assistant: Sure. Do you need me to pick up some candles, you know, set the mood?

Phoebe:  Oohh! Great idea. Yeah. Make it a couple of dozen. Thanks.

Paige:  Hey there. Bad time?

Phoebe:  Hi. No, I'm just getting ready for my big date with Dex tomorrow.

Paige:  Ohh.

Phoebe:  Hey. Weren't you on a date?

Paige:  Egh. Yeah, that didn't go so well.

Phoebe: Oh. I know. It's hard. I just got really lucky that Dex showed up at my funeral.

Paige:  Yeah. Right. You've know him for what, all of a few weeks now?

Phoebe:  Yeah. It's hard to believe, isn't it?

Paige:  Yeah. I mean, how well do you really know him? Considering the amount of time you've actually spent together.

Phoebe:  Paige, where are you going with this?

Paige:  Nowhere. I swear.

Phoebe:  Okay. Well, we've been through this before. I didn't like Richard. You didn't like Cole. But we promised each other that we'd stay out of each other's love lives, right?

Paige:  Okay. Just answer me this. How well do you really know him?

Phoebe: [Sighs] Paige, please don't start.

Paige:  Would it kill you just to slow things down? You know, a smidge?

Phoebe:  You know, I can't slow things down, because of my premonitions.

Paige:  They're not always literal.

Phoebe:  But I still have to honor them, don't I? But look, honey, I really like him, and I really care about him, and he really cares about me, okay? So don't worry, okay?

Paige:  No, it's not okay.

[Billie is levitating her nunchucks again]

Leo: [from offscreen] Piper!

[Billie hears them approach and loses control of the nunchucks, which fly across the room]

Piper: I'm a little behind in the crafty department, okay? I didn't have time to hone my skills with a demon attacking every 5 minutes.

Leo: It's still not a good idea.

Piper: You know what? It's a great idea. While all of those other mothers were out there making cutesy costumes, I had my nose in this book. So this book is gonna help me make a damn cute pumpkin outfit!

Leo: [to Billie] What's up? 

Billie: Oh, you know, just soaking up knowledge. I'm a virtual sponge.

Leo: Good. Keep it up. So, you know, hon, besides personal gain-- [to Billie] Why are you so sweaty?

Billie: Oh, you know, those, um...   the Salem witch-hunts, and the lying and the burning. It's just-- it's out of control. Well, now that I'm all caught up, how about we hop on over to magic school and get some real education?

Leo: Okay, we can't. Because, you know, magic school being the hub of good magic, you know, and we don't want to expose ourselves.

Billie: Oh, and what is your wife doing?

Piper: Making up for lost time. Now zip it!

Leo: Actually, she is not gonna use magic to make Wyatt a costume.

Piper: Oh, no? Watch me!

Leo: You wanted a normal life, remember?

Piper: Okay, look, that was before I realized our son was gonna be humiliated in front of his entire class.

Billie: Oh, you know that happened to me all the time. It just made me stronger.

Piper: And shut it!

Leo: Okay, is this about Wyatt's humiliation or yours?

Piper: No, it's about Wyatt... and the pageant and--

Leo: And you outdoing Mandi?

Piper: Fine. No magic. But I will still make the best damn pumpkin outfit ever. And that woman will be sorry she tangled with me.

Billie: That is one desperate housewife.

Demon #1: Well?

Mandi:  I'm beginning to gain the boy's trust. Once he knows it's safe to use his powers around me... What's taking you so long? You were supposed to have this cleaned days ago.

Demon #2: Yeah, well... it wasn't easy as we thought. It's a lot more trashed--

Mandi: [Walks over and grabs him by the throat] I don't want to hear any more excuses, do you understand me?! [He disintegrates] We need to create a comfortable place for the boy, a familiar place. Or else he'll never do what I want him to do. [The demon inside shakes Mandi's body off herself and to the floor] Don't let that thing die. Not until after I'm done using it to get Wyatt.

Paige:  Okay, honey, I know this is not the morning for this to happen, but the coffee maker's on the fritz.

Piper:  Oh, that's okay. Do you want me to make you some tea instead?

Paige:  Tea?

Piper:  Yeah, it's no problem. I was just cleaning up.

Paige:  Well, you are in a surprisingly chipper mood for someone who hasn't slept all night.

Piper:  Well, I had to finish Wyatt's pumpkin costume, didn't I?

Paige:  And did you finish?

Piper:  Absolutely. You know, actually being a super-mom can be surprisingly satisfying.

Paige:  Don't forget. You're really his super legal guardian.

Piper:  Yes! And are there any other soft spots you'd like to poke at while you're here?

Paige:  Honey, I'm sorry.

Piper:  Oh, it's no big deal. I think at least Wyatt knows who his mother really is.

Paige:  Of course he does. He sees you as Piper. We all do.

Piper:  Yeah, but it's gotta be confusing for him, especially because all of his classmates think I'm his cousin, his distant cousin.

Paige:  Look, he's just gonna have to get used to the way things are. Hey, you wanna hear my plan on how to save Phoebe from Dex?

Piper: Oh, come on, Paige. Do we really need this in our lives right now?

Paige:  Do we really need our sister marrying a cheater?

Piper: Well...it was just a kiss, right? So, maybe it was his sister?

Paige:  Ew. That's disgusting. Sisters don't kiss brothers like that.

Piper: Paige--

Paige:  Look, all I'm gonna do is find out who she really is. Phoebe's never gonna know.

Piper: She's gonna kill ya.

Paige: She's gonna thank me. All right, my dear. Have a great time at the play.

Piper: Thanks. [Holding up pumpkin costume] Ha ha! How do you like me now?

Mandi's Demon: We're close.

Demon #1: Pretty elaborate ritual you got us doing here. When do I get to know who you're planning to conjure?

Mandi's Demon: You don't get to know.

Demon #1: Actually, I think I do. Especially since I'm the only one who knows how to bring back a demon from the wasteland.

Mandi's Demon: If you were the only one, I wouldn't need the boy, now would I?

Demon #1: Why do you need him? What does he offer?

Mandi's Demon: He offers...power, a power neither you or I possess, a power I'm going to need if I'm going to bring back the demon I have in mind.

Demon #1: Tempus? Barbas? Zankou?

Mandi's Demon: When it's time--

Demon #1: Now... or I stop what I'm doing.

Mandi's Demon: You dare challenge me?

Demon #1: No, I just think I have the right to know what we're dealing with, that's all. Especially considering the inherent risk involved with kidnapping the son of a charmed one.

Mandi's Demon: I'm not kidnapping him. I'm offering him a new home, a family, a place to express his full potential.

Demon #1: Even if you lure him in here, what makes you think he'll stay?

Mandi's Demon: Because I'm going to replace the mommy he lost, and the Source will replace his daddy.

Demon #1: The Source? We can't bring him back.

Mandi's Demon: You're right, we can't. Not without Wyatt, anyway. [She enters Mandi again] Any other questions?

Paige:  I'm sorry. Is that yours?

Sylvia:  Is your name Sylvia, too?

Paige:  Sylvia? That's so funny. I thought I recognized you.  How are you?

Sylvia:  Um...fine. Great. Thanks.

Paige:  You don't remember me, do you? That's okay. It was...a long time ago when we met, kind of a crowded party. Dex introduced us, actually.

Sylvia:  Oh, Dex! Right. You know, I'm sorry. I don't remember meeting you.

Paige:  Jo. Jo Bennet. I'm a--I'm an art dealer.

Sylvia:  Really? So am I. What firm?

Paige:  Oh! Um... well, I deal mostly with private collectors, you know, kind of hush-hush transactions, stuff like that-- how is Dex?

Sylvia:  Um, Dex is...good, I guess. Yeah, he just, uh-- he just had a show last week. It went really well. He's got some good stuff.

Paige: Great, great. Are you two still going out?

Sylvia:  Dex and I? No. No, not anymore.

Paige:  Really? Are you sure about that?

Sylvia:  Uh...yeah. I think I'd remember that. Why are you asking?

Paige:  Oh, probably just a little strange thing. I was actually here, um, you know, yesterday, and I--I thought I saw you two kissing.

Sylvia:  Oh, yeah, that. Um... you know, that was nothing. We were just saying hello.

Paige:  Oh. Oh.

Sylvia:  We broke up months ago.

Paige:  That's great. No! That's awful. Sorry about that.

Sylvia:  Hey, it was fun while it lasted. You know, it still is fun once in a while, actually. If you, you know, include the break-up sex.

Paige:  Break-up sex?

Sylvia:  Yeah. Is there anything better? Listen, I gotta run. It was nice seeing you again.

Paige:  Yeah, it was... real nice seeing you.

Piper:  What do you mean he's not a pumpkin?

Mandi:  Oh. I can't imagine how it slipped my mind. We decided mice costumes would be more comfortable.

Piper:  Oh, but Wyatt's really excited about being a pumpkin.

Mandi:  Oh. Poor thing. Maybe the problem is the green thing on his head.

Piper:  The... green thing is the stem, the stem of the pumpkin I was up all night making.

Mom #1: And it's a cute pumpkin... really.

Piper: Well, I think he should wear it.

Mom #2:  But this isn't about you now...is it?

Piper:  Excuse me?

Mandi: Ladies. We all want the children to be happy, don't we? Especially Wyatt. He's been through so much lately.

Mom #1: And losing his mother and all.

Mandi: We don't want to traumatize him any further.

Piper: Oh, no. He's not traumatized. I mean, he has me.

Mandi: And you're doing the very best job you can... considering.

Piper:  Considering what?

Mandi: How new you are at this, how overworked you must be.

Mom #2: She's right. You do look exhausted.

Piper: I'm fine... and Wyatt's fine. We're all fine. Now... if you'll just excuse me.

Mandi:  Sweetie, if you're worried about the mouse costume, I can whip one up for Wyatt in a jiffy.

Piper: [Forced laugh] I can jiffy-whip one up myself, actually. [Cell phone rings]

Mandi: Really, it's no problem. You've done quite enough already.

 Piper: Right. Leo? [Answers phone]  Please tell me there's a demon somewhere because I really need to blow something up.

Leo:  Sorry. Everything's fine, except Billie wants to go to magic school.

Piper:  What? No.

Leo:  That's what I told her, too.

Piper:  Ooh! That woman is out to get me.

Leo:  Look, Piper, I think she's defiant, but I think her intentions are good.

Piper:  Well, she may seem nice and sweet, but there's something deeply tweaked beneath the surface.

Leo:  Come on, Piper, I don't think Billie--

Piper:  No, not Billie. Mandi... the "Miss Too-Good-To-Be-True" I've been griping about. Not only is she getting more cloyingly perfect with every moment, but now she is actually out to get me.

Leo:  Don't be ridiculous.

Piper:  Ugh! I wish I could just blow her up.

Leo:  Piper, you can't blow her up. She's not a demon.

Piper:  No, she's worse than a demon. She's a room mom!

Leo:  It's time to come home now, honey, okay?

Piper:  [Sighs & hangs up]

Billie:  Hi! All right. What'd she say? We're going to magic school or what?

Leo:  Uh, well, she said what I thought she'd say: No. It's too dangerous.

Billie:  Come on. Do you always listen to what she says? You guys used to live and breathe danger.

Leo:  Right, and now we're retired.

Billie:  Exactly. You're off being Ozzie and Harriet. It's my job to pick up the slack around here. I need to learn quick. And magic school has books, an apothecary, and really bitching weapons.

Leo:  Which you can read about in the textbooks.

Billie:  I'm done reading. I'm going to magic school.

Leo:  How?

Billie:  I'm a quick study.

Leo:  Okay, wait. We'll get-- [Billie throws down a potion]

[Big cloud of smoke, then Billie & Leo are at magic school]

Leo: --exposed. You did it.

 Billie:  I did? How cool.

Leo:  Something's not right.

Billie:  Who are they? Are they students?

Leo:  No, they're demons.

Billie:  Demons? What are demons doing here?

Leo:  Taking over.

Leo:  Okay. This is bad. This is really bad.

Billie:  He's kinda cute, though.

Leo:  No, they're not cute, okay? They're demons. Do you understand what that means, huh? Hurt, maim, kill.

Billie:  A lot of monosyllables. Got it.

Leo:  No, you don't have it. If they've taken over, it means they have access to everything, spells, maps, weapons.

Billie:  You know what? These might come in handy.

Leo:  Look, with everything here, they can wipe us all out, okay? Whitelighters, elders, gnomes.

Billie:  Witches?

Leo:  Everything.

Billie:  Okay, fine. What do we do?

Leo:  We gotta get out of here, fast.

Billie:  All right. Let's go. All right.

Leo:  So you brought the extra potion, right?

Billie:  No.

Leo:  You're kidding.

Billie:  Do I look like I think ahead? Come on. You used to run the place. How did you back get back and forth?

Leo: Paige orbed me. Okay. There is a spell in one of these books, if we can find it.

Billie: Okay. I'm listening.

Leo:  Okay. Here's what we're gonna do--

[Two demons come around the corner and see them]

Leo: Okay. Don't move. Don't say a word.

Billie: Hyah! [She makes nunchucks fly off the wall to knock out the demons]

Leo:  Nice.

Billie:  Will you give me an hand?

Leo:  What are you doing?

Billie: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.