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Charmed Transcript

"Run, Piper, Run" Episode: #8.3 - 9 October 2005

Contributed by Suzanne
Proofread by Lorie

You know, this just might work.

What's your name, anyway?

Billie:  Billie.

How long have you been a witch?

Not that long. Just up till really recently, I noticed I had these--these powers.

Whis he?

I don't know his name. It's some guy that I used to see in the elevator all the time at work.

 I'm Julie, phoebe's cousi

Dex. Dex Lawson.

Hey, the paper called for you.

Really? What did they want?

Well, I think they want to talk to you-- or cousin you.

Phoebe: Apparently the newspaper's having a hard time. Getting the advice column out, so they asked me to help out a little bit, which I thought was kind of weird, but I said sure. Did you have some--

I ran into your editor in the ER, told her I thought you might be able to help.

Paige: I can orb you.

Piper:  No. No. We no orb. We drive like normal people.

Leo:  Yeah, well, normal people get stuck in traffic jams.

Piper:  Did you put my silver earrings back after you borrowed them?

Paige:  Piper, you're stalling.

Piper:  I am not stalling.

Leo:  Wow. You look great.

Paige: It's okay if you're scared. It's understandable.

Piper:  I'm not scared.

Paige:  Oh, yeah, right. That's why you changed outfits 3 times.

Piper:  All right, well, maybe I am a little nervous. I don't really know why I'm doing this, anyway.

Leo:  You're doing this because it's what you want to do. Look, if you get nothing else out of being dead to the world--

Paige: And to the underworld.--

Leo: --at least you went out and you tried something new. You know? You expanded your horizons.

Piper:  Who writes your stuff?

Paige:  The thing is, you just need to relax a little. Okay, Piper? It's just an interview.

Piper:  With a corporate headhunter who's going to do what, get me a job at IBM? I don't think so.

Paige:  I thought you wanted this.

Piper:  No, actually, it was dad's idea. He set it up.

Leo:  Because he knew you wanted to try something new.

Piper:  No, I am perfectly happy running P3.

Leo:  You were not happy last week about anything.

Piper:  One little meltdown., okay? I'm allowed.

Paige:  Okay, look, the point is you've got a new lease on life. We all do. You need to just take your own advice, you know? Get out there. See if there's other people you want to mingle with and talk to.

Piper:  Mm-hmm. And what about all the demons in the world?

Paige:  We've got Billie for that.

Piper:  And she's just a kid. What if she can't handle it?

Paige:  She will, she's learning, and I've got her upstairs studying right now.

Leo:  Yeah, and as far as the play date, you know, I got it covered.

Piper:  I know, but really, little Kenny is--

Leo:  Is allergic to peanut butter. I know. You told me. You're stalling.

Piper:  I just wish I didn't feel like such a fraud.

Paige:  All you need to do is remember the you that's on the inside, okay? And besides, who's gonna figure it out, Jenny?

Detective: Put your hands on your head. Now!

Maya:  Je n'ai ri fait! Vous devez me confondre avec quelqu'un d'autre.

Detective: Save it, Maya. I know you understand me. You're under arrest for murder.

[She knocks him out.]

Maya: Damn you. [Sighs]

[Explosion]

Paige: Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh! Are you okay? [Coughing]

Billie: Ohhh...yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm--I'm okay. I'M...whooh! That was, uh, that was awesome!

Paige:  Awesome? You almost blew the house up. How's that awesome?

Billie:  Oh, just the attic. Besides, this place is a wreck. Do you guys ever put anything away?

Paige:  You were just supposed to be reading.

Billie:  That's all I was doing!

Paige:  Well, then what happened?!

Billie:  I don't know. Remember, I'm very, very new at this.

Paige: Unhh! [Gasps]  You read a spell out loud, didn't you?

Billie:  Yes, I read out loud.

Paige:  That is not reading. That is chanting. And that...uhh! Is how things go boom!

[Slams book]

Billie:  Okay, cool. Lesson learned. What's next?

Paige:  What's next... is that you go back to college and take a break from all this.

Billie:  Why? It was just one little mistake. Haven't you heard of the learning curve? Look, I'm here because you need me, right? So you girls can go have a normal life while I go kick some demon ass. So the more you teach me, the more I can get out there and go do my thing.

Paige:  The first thing you're gonna be doing is cleaning up your mess.

Billie:  Well, why? Can't you just cast a spell and make it pick itself up?

Paige:  That would be something called personal gain, which is something we don't do. Okay? Plus, we want to keep the use of magic to a minimum so the demons don't find out we're still alive.

Billie:  Oh, okay, yeah. three chicks move in under the same roof. Hello? How dumb can they be? I'm sorry.

Paige:  Look, I get that spells and witchcraft and potions, they're really fun. It was not long ago that I was kinda goin' through the same thing, learning the ropes. But here's the deal. It's actually really dangerous. And until you respect that, you're not gonna really, truly learn anything.

Billie:  Okay. You know what? You're right.  I will. I will respect it, I promise.

Paige:  Thank you.

Billie:  So when can we go vanquish demons?

Phoebe: Hey, don't look at me, you're her whitelighter.  Yes, I realize she's there to help us all, Paige, but I'm working. And you'll be too, as soon as she gets her stuff together. 

Intercom: Julie, Dex Lawson's here to you.

Phoebe: Oh, I gotta go. I gotta go. My future husband's here. My future husband's here, I gotta go. I'll see you at lunch, see you at l--

Dex:  Bad time?

Phoebe: No. This is a great time. Come on in. Wanna sit?

Dex:  I can't. I gotta get back to work. I just wanted to stop by and see how the new job's going.

Phoebe: The new job? Oh! Right. I'm sorry. I completely blanked. Uh, it's...great. It's like I've been here for years.

Dex:  Yeah, well, it shows. You sound just like her.

Phoebe: Who?

Dex:  Phoebe. You know, the column, advice?

Phoebe: Right. Of course.

Dex:  Yeah. I mean it, Julie. It's uncanny. It's... it's...almost like you're channeling her or something.

Phoebe: Well, I'm gonna have to work on that, 'cause that's kind of weird, huh? So...you called about something?

Dex:  Uh, yes, I did. Um... how do you feel about art shows?

Phoebe: Well, that depends on the art.

Dex:  How do you feel about my art?

Phoebe: I love it.

Dex: Good answer.  Um... look, I know we've only gone out a couple times, but, uh... I mean, I was just wonderin' if, uh...

Phoebe: I'd love to.

Dex:  Love to what?

Phoebe: Love to come to your art show tonight. If...that's what you were asking. 

Dex:  I was trying to. How'd you know?

Phoebe: I'm psychic.

[Pats his shoulder and gasps as she has a vision of what looks like an earthquake]

Dex:  What happened?

Phoebe: The earth moved.

Piper:  Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball. And I'm Piper's cousin, so somebody had to step in to take care of the kids.

Interviewer: Of course. That's very noble of you. Still, how do you expect to work full-time if you--?

Piper:  Oh, well, I have 2 other cousins who can pitch in, and the boys, um... well, they have a man around. Another cousin. By marriage.  My marriage.  I'm married. It's all on the application. Isn't it?

Interviewer: Yes. Yes. It's-- it's all here, Miss Bennet.

Piper:  Uh, Jenny.

Interviewer: Jenny.

Piper: I'm wasting your time.

Interviewer: No, no, no. It's not that at all. Um...your resume's... very impressive. Really. Anybody Victor vouches for is all right by me. It's just...

Piper:  Just what?

Interviewer: Well, frankly, I get the impression you don't really want to be here.

Piper:  Oh, no. No. That's not true. Really. Well...maybe it's a little bit true. But...[Sighs] Honestly, I really don't know what I'm doing with my life at the moment. This change, this...tragedy, it's really forced me to open my eyes and see just how far my life got off track.  And after a while, it just seemed like one big battle after another.

Interviewer: Oh, yes, the metaphorical battles we face each day.

Piper:  Yeah. Except mine were a little more literal. But my point is, I'm here because I want to find myself again. I want to dedicate part of my life to a new purpose. And, really, I work very hard, and I'm very good with people.

Interviewer: You don't have to sell yourself on me, Jenny.

Piper:  I don't?

Interviewer: No. The credentials speak for themselves. Besides, you're honest, straightforward. Very important traits every high-level exec should have.

Piper:  High-level exec?

Interviewer: That's where I'd place you based on everything I'm seeing here. Smile. It's for the background check. It's pro forma.

Piper:  Background check?

Interviewer: Give me a couple of days, see what I can come up with, and we'll meet again Wednesday. Is that all right?

Piper:  Are you kidding? That's great. Thank you.

Interviewer: Sure. [Clicks a button and sends Piper's info to the background checker]

Background Checker: We've got a problem. [Looks at Jenny/Maya's mug shot]

Piper:  Actually, it wasn't a problem at all. It went a lot better than I thought it would.

Leo:  I won't say I told you so.

Piper:  Good. Don't. How's the motley crew?

Leo:  Oh, they're doing fine. They're enjoying their sundaes as we speak.

Piper:  Actually, I was talking about the moms. Be careful of Eve. She can kind of be--

Leo:  Piper.

Piper:  What?

Leo:  I can handle it. Enjoy your lunch, celebrate.

Piper:  Celebrate what?

Leo:  Your new life. [Hangs up phone and rejoins playdate]

Mom #1: Uh, use your words, sweetie. I swear, if Edith stands up one more time at PTA, she's gotta go.

Mom #2: Get rid of her. Cement-shoe city.

[Laughs]

Mom #3: She's joking, of course.

Leo:  Oh, I get it.  Just pretend I'm one of the gals.

Mom #1: Mommy said use your words. Oh, does this aggro stage ever stop?

Mom #3: Not if you're like my husband.

Eve: Believe it or not, some men are sensitive. Look at you and what you're doing. Taking care of your cousin's kids.

Leo:  It's what family does.

Eve: Yeah, but most men wouldn't set aside their career for the sake of the children. God, I just... I really admire you.

Mom #1: Okay, enough. I'm sorry, sweetie, but mommy told you if you can't use it safely, she's taking it away. Come on.

Eve: And all on your own. No ring. You're not married?

Leo:  Oh, um, actually, it's a long story.

Boy: Mommy! Mommy! [Running in, spills food on Leo]

Eve: Oh! Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Leo:  It's okay. It was-- it was an accident.

Eve: Here. Let me clean that off. [Cleans him off, flirting]

Leo: Oh, God.

Crime Scene Cop: Okay, everything by procedure.

Detective: Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Approach with extreme caution and on my orders only. We don't want any civilians hurt. Copy that.

Cop on Radio: Copy that, lieutenant.

Piper:  I don't know. I'm just not used to it, I guess.

Phoebe:  What, feeling happy?

Piper:  No. I mean, the guy's probably just blowing smoke anyway. He's probably not gonna call with any real opportunities.

Phoebe:  Now that's the old Piper we all know and love.

Piper:  Jenny.

Phoebe:  Nobody's listening. And nobody cares. That's the beauty of it.

Paige:  You know what? I hear that Dex cares.

Phoebe:  Yeah, until the earthquake destroys everything he's ever worked for.

Piper:  What earthquake?

Phoebe:  I mean, talk about ruining a moment.

Paige:  What moment?

Phoebe:  You know, the moment, when you look into each other's eyes and you can feel the romance and the passion, the desire.

Paige: It's been such a very long moment since I've had a moment.

Phoebe: I mean, how am I supposed to marry a guy that I don't even know without having the moment?

Piper:  But, really, back to this earthquake.

Paige: Maybe your premonition was so you could stop it from happening.

Phoebe:  How am I supposed to stop an earthquake?

Piper:  5.5, 6, 7? What are we talking about here?

Phoebe:  How am I supposed to know?

Detective: Maya Holmes! This is the police! Stand up and put your hands on your head!

Paige:  I think they're talking to you.

Paige:  Got somewhere you need to be?

Phoebe:  Oh, you know, I just need to stop an earthquake.

Paige:  Phoebe.

Phoebe:  What? It was your idea, Paige.

Paige:  Yeah, that was before Piper got arrested for murder.

[Officer brings in jumpsuit-clad Piper]

Phoebe: Oh, my God.

Officer: Five minutes, make them count. [Leaves]

Paige:  Oh, honey, orange is so not your color.

Phoebe:  Paige.

Paige:  What? It's true.

Phoebe:  Okay, don't worry, because we've fought demons, we've fought warlocks. This is just a minor blip.

Piper:  I don't think so. They think I'm somebody else.

Phoebe: Well, you are somebody else.

Piper:  I know, but I'm not a fugitive. That's not the alias that I picked, at least not intentionally. Now, have you called Darryl?

Phoebe: We did, and we left him a message. But he's on the East Coast now, so I don't think he's gonna be able to help us.

Paige: Well, how did you choose this disguise anyway?

Piper:  [Sighs] I don't know, I just did.

Paige: Well, you had to have gotten it somewhere. You couldn't have just plucked it out of the cosmos.

Piper:  Well, no, I guess not.

Phoebe: Okay, you have to try to remember. You must have seen her face somewhere, maybe TV, or Internet, or the newspapers, something. Think.

Piper:  Maybe it was a magazine.

Phoebe: A magazine. Okay, good. Any idea which magazine?

Piper:  Well, how am I supposed to know? One of the ones you all have laying around the house.

Paige: And you're going where with this?

Phoebe: Well, I'm just thinking if we can find the picture that inspired her, then we can use that to scry for the real Maya.

Piper:  And that helps me how exactly?

Phoebe: Well, because we'll orb you out and orb her back in. Get the real killer behind bars.

Piper:  Phoebe, you can't orb me out of jail!

Phoebe: Yeah, I think we can. If we do it simultaneously, nobody will ever know.

Paige: Yeah, and you've got your own cell, so there's no exposure risk.

Piper:  Yes, but--

Phoebe: No buts! This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go to the newspaper and search the archives for Maya. You go home and look through magazines.

Paige: Got it. Oh, just so you know, I saw a documentary on prison once. You're gonna be just fine. All you have to do is keep your eyes low and your shoulders high. We're gonna have you out of that unflattering color in no time.

Phoebe: Show no fear.

Piper:  Um, I thought I was gonna be alone.

Officer: Now you've got company. Play nice.

Cellmate: What are you smiling at?

Piper:  Me? I didn't smile. I, uh, wasn't looking at nothing,  I didn't smile at nothing, I'm not doing nothing. Okay... [Softly] Eyes low, shoulders high. Leo!

Leo: You know, you really don't have to do that.

Eve:  I insist. It's the least I can do, seeing as how my Tommy made the mess. Are you sure that undershirt isn't dirty, too? Why don't we wash it?

Leo: Uh, you know, I could just throw it in the washing machine.

Eve:  Nonsense. Here, let me. [Leo struggles to keep his shirt on]

Paige:  Hey, there. Excuse me, am I, um, interrupting anything?

Leo: Uh--uh-- Jo--mmm--Eve, Jo, Jenny's cousin.

Paige:  So, uh, Louis, may I speak to you for a second?

[Leo laughs. They exit together.]

Paige: What the hell are you doing?

Leo: What do you mean, what am I doing, huh? I gave the kids some sundaes and Eve's little son Tommy spilt on me.

Paige:  Yeah, whatever. Okay, why don't you just explain that to your wife, after we get her out of jail?

Leo: Jail?

Paige:  Mm-hmm. If you weren't so busy flirting, maybe you would know about that already.

Leo: Look, I wasn't flirting, okay? It was Eve. You know what, never mind, okay? What is going on?

Paige:  What happened is that Piper chose the wrong disguise, which, unfortunately, she found out after she was arrested for murder.

Leo: Murder?

Paige:  Yes, and apparently, she thinks she got her alias out of a picture in one of these magazines.

Leo: Okay, wait a second.

Paige:  I don't have time for this. Neither does Piper, okay? So if you really, really want to help, maybe go get rid of your lady friend.

Leo: Okay, you know what, she is not lady friend. Okay, she's a friend, but she's just a lady.

Paige:  Whatever, just please help me find Maya Holmes - the real Maya Holmes..

Leo: Who?

Paige:  Just go.

[Leo leaves.]

[Paige spots Maya in a magazine.]

Billie:  Oh, something's going on. Is it a demon problem? Is it, is it, is it?

Paige:  Not now, Billie.

Billie:  Well, you're making a potion. Is it a vanquishing potion? Oh, come on, Paige, teach me. I'm here to learn, aren't I?

Paige:  It's a big problem, okay? It's a big problem.

Billie:  Oh, good, good. I've been studying the book. I know how to vanquish demons, I know--

Paige:  It's not a demon problem!

Billie:  What other kind of problem is there?

Paige:  It's a Piper's-in-jail problem.

Billie:  In jail?

Paige:  Mm-hmm. They're confusing her with somebody, and that somebody else is who I have to scry for.

Billie:  Oh, scrying. I love that. I'll go get my laptop--

Paige:  No, no, no.

Billie:  What if it doesn't work?

Paige:  It has to work. That's why we're doing this the old-fashioned way. No laptop scrying. Old-fashioned. Keep it simple.  [Sighs] Please work.

[Cellmate walks towards Piper]

Piper:  Whoa, whoa! Let's just hang on a second, because we can work something out here, you know. We're both grown adults and I wasn't smiling at you, you weren't smiling at me--

Officer: Holmes! You got a visitor.

Piper:  Holmes! That's me. Well, I gotta go. Okay. See you later. 

Walter: Hello, Maya. Good to see you.

Piper: It's good to see you, too. Are you my lawyer?

Walter:  [Laughs] No, I don't think so. I think I'll be prosecuting this one, personally.

Piper:  [Sighs] Oh, I see. So, what do you want?

Walter:  I just wanted to see you again, that's all. In private. Did you really think you'd get away with it? Running from the law? Running from me?

Piper:  I guess I did.

Walter:  What did I ever do to you, Maya? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Piper:  Why don't you tell me?

Walter:  I offered you the world. I gave you everything I could, and then you just... you just threw it back in my face, didn't you? What did you expect, that I'd just let you get away with it?

Piper:  It was time for me to move on.

Walter:  No, it wasn't time! It wasn't time at all! Not until I said so! I warned you not to mess with me, didn't I? I told you what would happen if you left me for that--that photographer. What was it you saw in him? What could he have possibly given you that I couldn't? Just youth?

Piper:  Well, it didn't hurt.

Walter:  Yeah, it did! It hurt a lot! It cost him his life, didn't it? And now I'm gonna see to it that it costs you yours.

Piper:  It was you. It wasn't her at all.

Walter:  What kind of game are you playing now?

Piper:  Wouldn't you like to know?

Walter:  You don't have anything on me. You wouldn't have gotten caught if you did.

Piper:  Are you sure about that? I'll see you in court.

Walter:  It won't get that far, Maya.

Phoebe:  Anything on Maya yet?

Assistant: You just asked me like two minutes ago.

Phoebe:  Yeah, well, I've got deadlines, too, you know.

Assistant: What, are you giving fugitives advice now, too? Sorry. Just give me another minute.

Phoebe: Okay. Hey, Gregg, I've been looking all over for you. How's the baby?

Gregg: Fine. How do you know about her?

Phoebe:  Well--what--of course I know about the-- I mean, you know, do I have to explain this every... time.... Never mind. Let's talk earthquakes.

Gregg: Earthquakes?

Phoebe:  Yeah, earthquakes. I think it's really important that we run a story, maybe even in tonight's edition, about earthquake preparedness. What do you think?

Gregg: Why?

Phoebe:  Why? Well, I think it's really important that people are prepared for earthquakes, you know? I mean, one can strike at any time. One could even hit tonight, you know?

Assistant: I think I've got something.

Phoebe:  Okay. Evening edition, right? Safety first, right? Okay, lay it on me.

Assistant: Okay, so basically, Maya Holmes was a local model, used to date Walter Nance, the ADA.

Phoebe: Okay.

Assistant: Okay, well, she left him for some photographer who was found shot to death in his apartment two weeks later. It was a lover's quarrel, a crime-of-passion kind of thing.

Phoebe:  Right, she did it, I get it. What I want to know is how can I find her.

Assistant: But she's already been found. I mean, they arrested her this morning.

Phoebe:  [Sighs] Yeah, but... I mean, wouldn't it be just crazy if she had a twin? Now that's a story. Keep looking, okay? I want to know relatives, agents, friends, whatever you can find. [Claps hands] Chop, chop. [Leaves]

Assistant: Remind you of anybody?

[Gregg nods]

Paige: Okay. Gotta be careful.

Billie: Oh, come on, how dangerous can a model be?

[Maya busts in the door and draws a gun on them]

Paige: Lamp! [Orbs lamp at Maya's head]

[Maya is out cold on the floor.]

Billie: Whoa, that was close.

Paige: Good. Fear. You're making progress.

Cellmate: Guess what? Lunchtime for the hacks means me and you get to finish what we started. [Approaches Piper threateningly]

Piper:  Mm-mmm. [Ducks and freezes the cellmate] Ugh. For crying out loud. See, you had to be a tough guy. [Hits the cellmate with a metal tray, unfreezes] And there's more where that came from!

[Tray hits floor as Piper orbs out and Maya is orbed in]

[Maya picks up the tray, ready to defend herself]

Cellmate: No! No, wait! Don't hit me again! I won't hurt you, I promise!

[Piper orbs into the house]

Billie: Oh, it worked!

Piper: What happened? What did you do?

Paige: We switched you out with the real Maya Holmes.

Piper:  Oh, well, that's great.  But she's innocent.

Walter's Assistant: I tried Judge Watkins and Judge Kitner. Neither one of them have called me.

Walter:  Then call Chief Ellis. Remind him he owes me. I want Maya released...now!

Walter's Assistant: With all due respect, sir, don't you think you might be overreacting? I mean, after all, how do you know she's not bluffing?

Walter:  Are you willing to bet your career on it? Because I'm sure as hell not. I know Maya. She should have been scared, but she wasn't. She's got something on me, and I gotta stop her before it gets out.

Walter's Assistant: Stop her how?

Walter:  How do you think?

Walter's Assistant: I still say you should just let the system do its job.

Walter:  I am the system! Where's Harvey? [Assistant snaps fingers] I want to look my best for Maya. [Sighs. Sits down.] Botox?

Walter's Assistant: No...thanks.

Paige: How were we supposed to know? They said you were alone.

Piper:  Well, obviously, I wasn't.

Leo: Are you sure she didn't see you orb?

Piper:  No, fortunately, I think she was seeing stars at the moment.

Phoebe: Can we get back to why you think Maya's innocent and what we're gonna do about it?

Piper:  I don't think Maya's innocent. I know she is. Nance basically admitted to killing the photographer.

Leo: Nance, the district attorney?

Piper:  Yeah.

Leo: Great.

Billie:  Well, can't we just vanquish him?

Piper: We don't usually vanquish humans.

Billie:  Oh, just asking.

Paige: Billie, maybe you should just go upstairs and study for a little bit.

Billie:  What? Why? No, I've been studying all day. I pract--

Paige: Billie, just-- Please?

Billie:  Fine. It's just like living at home again.

Paige: Practice patience.

Phoebe: So, if Nance is guilty, we need proof.

Piper: Well, she must have something on him.

Leo: Well, then why hasn't she used it? I mean, why run?

Piper:  She was probably scared. He's a high-powered district attorney. He's well-connected, and she wouldn't stand a chance up against him, which is why you need to switch us back.

Paige: What? You want me to put you back in jail?

Piper:  Just long enough for you to find out what she's got on him.

Leo: What about your cell mate?

Piper:  I think I can take care of myself.

Phoebe:  Okay. Well, I think that should give me enough time to stop Dex's show.

Paige: Excuse me?

Phoebe:  Look, I did not ask for this. And if I don't do something, then the premonition about us getting married, not gonna happen. And the future-child premonition, that's not gonna happen either.

Paige: Yeah, okay, go. Fantastic, good idea.

Phoebe: Okay. Eyes low, shoulders high. [Leaves]

Piper: Mmm-hmm.

Paige: I'm gonna go check on Billie

Piper: That's a good idea.

[Doorbell rings]

Piper: Well, I'll get it! [Goes to the door. Leo follows.]

[Carl pushes past Piper]

Piper:  Hi, Carl!

Carl:  [to Leo]You the dirtbag hitting on my wife?

Piper:  Whoa! [Freezes Carl as he gets ready to punch Leo] What's going on?

Leo:  Uh...I don't know. Uh...I didn't do anything. It was--it was Eve.

Piper:  What exactly did Eve do?

Leo:  Oh, come on, Piper. You know me.

Piper:  Uh-huh, I do, and I also know Eve. So you must have done something to encourage her.

Leo:  No, nothing. Except maybe, you know... she thought that I was single.

Piper:  Oh. You didn't tell her you were married.

Leo:  No. It all happened so fast, you know? We never really got the chance to discuss, you know, everything, with our disguises I mean, we don't even-- we don't even have rings on our fingers, so...

Piper:  hmm! That's a good story. Now get back into position.

Leo:  What? Why?

Piper:  Well, we gotta save Maya, we got stuff to do. So let's get this over with. You gotta get back into position.

Leo:  [Sighs] You are so enjoying this, aren't you?

Piper:  Yeah.

[Mumbles] [Carl unfreezes and punches]

Leo: Ooh!

Piper: Wow, now don't you feel better? Okay, thanks for stopping by, Carl. Say hi to Eve for me, okay? See you later.  [She ushers Carl out]

[Piper smiles at Leo and laughs]

Dex:  You want me to do what? Cancel my show?

Phoebe:  Well, maybe not cancel. Maybe just postpone?

Dex:  Why?

Phoebe:  Why? Did you not read the article on earthquake preparedness in the newspaper today? I mean, we are due for a major shaker at any moment. Actually, overdue.

Dex:  A major shaker, huh?

Phoebe:  Yes, a major shaker, and imagine what it would do to your artwork. It would be disastrous.

Dex:  [Chuckles] I think I can risk it for one night.

Phoebe:  No, you can't.

Dex:  Wait. You're serious, aren't you?

Phoebe:  Yeah, I'm really serious.

Dex:  Julie, I can't cancel my show. I got every major art critic in town coming. It's make or break for me.

Phoebe:  Okay. Then if we cannot move the show, we're gonna move your artwork so that it's safe, you know?

Dex: Easy with that!

Phoebe: You put that right there. Good. And now I'm thinking if we have some, like, rope, you know, and some Krazy Glue.

Dex:  What are you doing? Are you nuts?

Phoebe:  No. I just don't want anything to ruin the moment for tonight, that's all. [Ground shakes] Oh, my God!  Did you feel that?

Dex: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, well, hurry up! We got work to do! We'll move this one... wait! I got it.

Piper: Maybe we shouldn't have let Billie do this.

Paige: No, it's better her going in to see if it's safe for us to orb, especially since you still look like Maya. Besides, if Billie's gonna start helping, she might as well do it now.

Piper: Yeah, but she's supposed to be helping us with demons, not cops.

Paige: Oh, here she comes.

Billie: Hey, bad news. Maya's not in there.

Piper: What do you mean, she's not in there?

Billie: They just released her into Nance's custody.

Paige: Nance? Why?

Piper: So he can shut her up.

Walter:  You seemed so much more sure of yourself today in jail, Maya. Not so sure of yourself now, are you?

Maya:  What are you talking about? I told you, I didn't see you in jail today.  I don't even know how I got in jail.

Walter:  That's not what you said before. You said you wanted to get caught.  You said, I believe the exact words were, "see you in court." You should know better than to threaten me. [She kicks him but he catches it and throws her to the ground.] Now, what exactly is it that you have on me, Maya?

[Paige and Piper orb in]

 Maya: [off-screen] Walter, please, calm down.

Piper: See, I told you he'd bring her here.

Paige: Still, he can't kill her. Everyone knows he bailed her out.

Piper:  Yeah, well, if I know Nance, he's probably already thought about that.

Paige: What do you mean, know Nance? You met him once.

Piper:  Once was enough, believe me.

Maya:  I'm telling you the truth. I don't know what's going on. I swear I don't have anything!

Walter:  I don't believe you. And I can't risk it.

Maya:  I beg you, don't kill me, too.

Walter:  This isn't murder, Maya. It's suicide. [Pushes her off the balcony]

[Maya screams]

Piper: [Gasps] Oh, my God.

Paige: Alley. Orb. Orb. [They orb to the alley. Piper freezes a falling Maya.]

Paige: Whew, that was close.

Piper: Yeah. Hurry, get the mattress.

Paige: What if it doesn't work?

Piper: Well, then, it was a bad idea.

Paige: Mattress. [Orbs mattress below Maya]

[Piper unfreezes Maya]

Maya:  Where am I?

Piper: You're dead. Come on.

Billie: Here. This will make you feel better.

Maya:  I just...I still don't understand.  I mean, I've never heard of--

Billie: Witches? Oh, come on. Sure you have. It's like The Wizard of Oz, except we're not wicked. You've seen The Wizard of Oz, right?

Maya:  Yeah, of course, but I never thought witches were real.

Billie: Real enough to save you.

Maya:  You actually seem more like guardian angels to me.

Billie:  I don't know about that. I mean, I'm actually pretty new at this myself.   I only met the sisters-- I mean the cousins, a couple of weeks ago. They do this sort of thing all the time. Or, at least, they used to.

Maya:  I...I don't know what to say.

Billie:  There's nothing else to say. All that matters now is that you're safe.

Maya:  Sorry I kicked you in the face.

Billie: Well, I'm sorry we almost got you killed.

Maya:  He's not gonna stop coming after me, you know? He'll figure out I'm alive sooner or later.

Billie: I know, they're working on that. Isn't there any sort of proof you have-- ?

Maya:  If I did, don't you think I would've used it by now? I mean, Walter is crazy. Obsessed.  He thinks  I betrayed him, but I didn't. The only crime I committed was leaving him for a younger man.

Billie: What do you mean?

Maya:  Oh, Walter can't stand the fact that he's getting older. He's, like, paranoid about it.   He does everything he can to pretend it's not happening, like lifts, botox, implants. He even has a manicurist come over every night to keep his nails neat and trim, like that does any good.

 Paige: What if we swapped Maya's identity out for a new one?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? I think we're having enough identity issues as it is.

Paige: Well, we're running out of options here, people.

Piper: No, there's gotta be another way.

Phoebe: What if she went back on the run?

Paige: No, it's just a matter of time before she'd get caught. I mean, she's the prime suspect. You can't magically make that go away.

Billie:  Excuse me, guys, but I have this great idea.

Phoebe: Too bad we can't prove that he threw her off the balcony.

Piper: Well, now it's gonna look like she escaped from him. At least, that's the way he's gonna spin it.

Billie:  Seriously, though, I have a great--

Piper: I think the only way to save Maya is to get him to confess to the murder somehow.

Paige: Oh, that happens when? Before or after hell freezes over.

Billie:  But I'm telling you--

Phoebe: Wait a minute. What about a truth spell?

Piper: We're gonna have to get close.

Paige: We could try orbing.

Billie:  Or you could try listening to me! Thank you. Now, according to the Book of Shadows, this would not be the first time you've scared someone into a confession, right? Six or seven years ago, it was a pawnbroker or something?

Phoebe: Wow. Someone's done their homework. I'm impressed.

Piper: Uh, but yeah, we didn't do it. We got a ghost to do it.

Billie:  Yeah, I know, but you guys can change looks, right? You can make him think he's seeing a ghost.

Paige: Where are you going with this?

Billie:  I'm going to the Demon of Fear.

Piper: You want us to conjure Barbas? Are you out of your mind? After everything he did to--

Billie:  To kill you? No. I'm not suggesting that you conjure him.  I'm just suggesting you think of him as some sort of inspiration. Prey on Nance's deepest fear.

Walter:  You do very nice work. Much better than the other girl.

Billie:  Thank you, sir.

Walter:  What'd you say happened to her?

Billie:  She's just sick. I'm filling in for the day.

Walter:  Perhaps on a more permanent basis.

Billie:  Oh, I'm sorry. I tend to work with a much younger clientele.

Walter:  Ouch. Watch it.

Billie:  Thin skin. Tends to be more susceptible to damage on the hands in someone as old as you. What are you, like, 60 or something?

Walter:  Get out of here.

Billie:  I am so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to offend you. Are you sensitive about your age?

Walter:  No, I'm not!

Billie:  You know, I can usually tell how old someone is just by looking at the  lines on their hands. Go ahead, see for yourself.

Walter:  What are you talking about? [Looks at his now-aged hands] What?!

Billie:  Is something wrong?

[Walter lowers his hands to see that Billie now looks like Maya.]

Walter:  What the hell?  You're dead! You couldn't have--

Maya:  --lived? Sorry to disappoint you.

[She magically throws him across the room.]

[He rises to see himself in the mirror as an old man]

Walter:  Aah! Oh! Aah!

[He turns to see three Mayas.]

Maya #1:  What's the matter old man, seeing a ghost?

Maya #2: Because you killed me?

Maya #3: Just like you killed Curtis?

Walter:  No! It's not possible. It's...it's a--

Maya #1: A nightmare?

Maya #2: One you won't ever wake up from.

Maya #3: Guilt's a terrible thing, Walter. It haunts you forever.

Walter:  No, get away from me. Leave me alone! [He runs out to the balcony]

[The three Mayas turn back into Billie, Paige and Phoebe]

[On the balcony, Maya shuts the doors behind Walter as he turns and sees her]

Walter: No.

Maya:  Drop dead.  [She pushes him off the balcony]

[Nance screams]

[Piper freezes him before he hits the pavement, then unfreezes his head]

Walter:  Aah! What's happening to me?

Piper: Well, Walter, the way I see it, you have two choices.  You can confess, or you can meet the pavement. What do you say? [Holds up a tape recorder]

Paige:  Well, Nance and everyone involved are in jail, Maya's set free. All in all, not a bad day.

Piper:  Yeah, except for the part where I have to come up with a new identity. So much for my future in the corporate world.

Leo:  Yeah, I don't think that one fit you very much anyway.

Piper:  Hmm, I guess not. Can't change my whole life, although you could've mentioned that earlier.

Leo:  No, I've learned my lesson. No one tells you what to do.

Paige:  So, missy, where you gonna get your next alias from? Time magazine, Vanity Fair? Let me guess, National Enquirer?

Piper:  No, I think I can come up with this one on my own, thank you.

Paige: Well, just make sure it's not off the most wanted list, okay?

Piper:  Trust me.

Leo:  Another cousin?

Piper:  Yes, actually. One that you will be married to this time.

Leo:  Hey, that was all about Eve.

Piper:  Mm-hmm.

Paige: Isn't All About Eve some old movie?

Piper:  One that I don't wanna see again anytime soon.

Leo:  Fine by me.

Paige: So, guys, how do you think our fair Billie did?

Leo: Sounds like she did good.

Piper: Except for the fact that she was inspired by a demon.

Paige: Oh, come on. Did you guys feel that?

Dex:  I was beginning to think you weren't gonna show.

Phoebe:  You moved it all back.

Dex:  Well, yeah. If it's all shoved in the corner, it's kind of hard for people to see. Come on, you can't be serious about an earthquake.

Phoebe:  You can laugh at me all you want, but I am serious.

[Ground shakes]

[They embrace and huddle together]

Phoebe: Oh, my God!

Dex: Is everyone all right?

Voice: Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Dex:  Are you okay?

Phoebe:  The moment.

Dex:  Sorry?

Phoebe:  I wasn't supposed to stop the earthquake, I was supposed to be here for it.

Dex:  What are you talking about?

Phoebe:  Dex, look at your work.

Dex:  [Sighs] Most of it's still okay. How'd you know?

Phoebe:  I told you. I'm psychic.

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