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Boston Legal Transcript

01-01 "Head Cases"

original air date: 10/3/2004

Provided by Boo

Brad: Hey, Iím Brad Chase from D.C.

Alan: Alan Shore.

Brad: Pleasure. I, ah, think thatís my seat.

Alan: Yes. I did see someoneís things here. I moved them to a less desirable location. Iím sorry; weíre not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?

Denny: Denny Crane.

Peter: Yes, Denny, I know.

Denny: Ahh . . .

Peter: I run the New York office.

Denny: Oh...

Peter: Peter Stone?

Denny: Denny Crane.

Chicago partner: I know. Iím . . . um . . . with Chicago.

Denny: My kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago. What about you?

Chicago partner: Well, um . . .

[remote clicks]

Denny: Greetings, Tokyo, London.

Nigel: Good morning.

Tokyo partner: Morning, Denny.

Denny: Brad Chase. There you are, soldier.

Brad: Hey.

Denny: Oh, everybody remembers Brad Chase, Iím sure. Hell, if I doóGood to see you, man. All right, everybodyólock and load. Item 1: Forget Item 1.

Nigel: Well, actually, Denny, item 1 is a rather urgent matter that we must discuss.

Denny: Why donít you brief us?

Nigel: Gladly. If we . . .

[remote clicks]

Denny: Item 2: Beckerman discovery? What the hell is that?

Jerry: Uh, well, opposing counsel was granted their motion to compel, which means we are now required to turn over all correspondence and scientific studies.

Denny: Hmm, what about the ones we burned before the judgeís orders?

Sam: We didnít burn any documents.

Denny: Well, sure we did. Do it today.

[remote clicks]

Denny: All right, Nigel, keep going, weíre listening.

Nigel: Uh, if we donít . . .

[remote clicks]

Denny: hitting the mute button again Item 3.

Sam: Damn it, Denny. This is not a way to conduct a staff meeting. Where the hell is Edwin?

Edwin: Sorry Iím late, good people.

Alan: Is it Casual Monday?

Denny: Edwin, everything all right?

Edwin: Hunky dory.

EMT: Itís all going to be fine, Mr. Poole.

Sam: Unbelievable.

Jerry: Not really. Always figured him for a loon.

Edwin: Tara. Whereís Tara. I need Tara!

Tara: Iím right here, Edwin.

Edwin: Oh, thank you. You have to contact Bill.

Tara: I . . . I will, Edwin. I promise.

Edwin: Apologize for my delay. Then call my wifeótell her Iíve had a small breakdown. Not to worry.

Tara: Of course.

Edwin: Oh, oh, my goodness. The Brant appeal. I have the Brant appeal!

Denny: Relax, Edwin, relax.

Edwin: Denny, guess what? Iím due in court with Tara.

Denny: Weíre on it. Donít you worry. You just get better.

Edwin: Okay.

Denny: Demagnetize his parking pass.

Tara: I beg your pardon?

Denny: I know when a man has gone. Do you think you can handle this case? Without a co-pilot?

Tara: Well, I . . .N . . . uh, n . . .

Denny: Whoís the judge?

Tara: Resnick.

Denny: Heís s schmuck. Alan! Back Tara up. Sheís before schmuck Resnick. See if you can get a damn continuance.

EMT: Coming through, please.

Paul: Brad, you got a few minutes?

Brad: Actually, no, Iíve got an early shuttle.

Paul: Get a later one. I need some face time.

Brad: Whatís up?

Paul: Edwin Poole was the only one here able to rein in Denny Crane. Without him . . .

Brad: If you are about to go where I think youíre going . . .

Paul: We need you back in Boston more than in D.C., Brad. Lori, Ernie Dell just came in. Heís upset about something. I sent him to your office.

Lori: My office?

Paul: Yeah. The alternative would be Dennyís office, and nobody here wants that.

Beah: Excuse me. I need a lawyer. This is my daughter. She tried out for the national tour of Annie, and she was the best one. And she was passed over because she was black. Itís discrimination. Itís bigotry. Itís prejudice, and we want justice.

Sally: Please tell me that youíve never seen anything like that before.

Alan: Baring your ass to 24 attorneys, including 2 overseasóthat is an unprecedented triumph. Iím just distraught I didnít think of it myself.

Sally: You know what I like about you?

Alan: No, I do not.

Brad: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Brad Chase. Look, Iíve been asked to stay, which Iím considering. But Iím concerned that you and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I like to be straight up with people, and if thereís and issue or conflict, letís address it head on, if you donít mind.

Alan: I have trouble talking that fast. I donít believe in being straight up, but Iím a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.

Brad: Thereís a potential client in the conference room. Iíd like you to meet with her. Oh, forgot to mentionóI outrank you.

Alan: Do you? And Iím such a slut for authority.

Sally: All right. You think the two little boys could get off the playground now?

Beah: ďKiss Today.Ē

Sarah: I donít wanna sing.

Beah: You need to practice. You want to make Julliard? ďKiss Today.Ē

Sarah: ďKiss today goodbye . . .Ē

Alan: Oh, my.

Beah: Never mind, ďOh, my.Ē She sings like a sparrow. Here, look. Iíve got these producer notes, which I was able to get a hold of because of my own personal ingenuity. Says she has the most talent. You can read it for yourself.

Alan: Iím afraid thereís been a terrible mistake. I donít do musical comedy.

Beah: Annieís a drama. Itís full of suspense on whether a little girl gets to live with the rich guy. Itís dramatic.

Receptionist: May I help you?

Sharon: Yes, I need to speak to Edwin Poole immediately.

Receptionist: Iím afraid Mr. Poole has stepped out . . .

Sharon: You donít understand. This is an urgent matter. Where the hell is Edwin Poole?

Sally: Hi, is there anything I can do to help?

Sharon: Yes. My ex-husband is trying to take my children from me.

Sally: Okay.

Sharon: And Edwin Pooleóhe missed my hearing today. And Iíve been calling his cell phone, andóI mean, what the hell is going on around here?!

Brad: Excuse me. Iím Brad Chase. Weíre going to take care of this for you. Now why donít you just take a seat in the conference room. Iíll get you a glass of water.

Sharon: All right. Thank you.

Sally: Hey.

Brad: Yeah.

Sally: I was handling it.

Brad: I just thought Iíd help out.

Sally: Thatís very nice. But, again, I was handling it.

Brad: So, why does it bother you that Iím trying to help?

Sally: Well, maybe because you feel I canít deal with a client on my own.

Brad: I donít feel that way at all.

Sally: Well, then I guess I really have no idea what you feel.

Brad: I guess not.

Sally: And thatís supposed to be my fault?

Alan: Wait a minute. You two have had sex!

Brad: Iím sorry. Weíre not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?

Lori: If youíre not going to tell meó

Ernie: I would prefer to tell Denny. Where the hell is he?

Lori: Ernie, you and I have done business for a long time. And weíve always been able to talk to each other. If Iím to help you hereó

Ernie: My wife is cheating on me. Uh, and . . . she informed me that she has been cheating on me for our entire marriage. Itís been a fraud from Day 1.

Lori: Okay. First, youíve only been married since August. Second, youíve had five other marriages dissolve each...

Ernie: But thisóthis was the real thing.

Lori: Whatís the goal? To get her back?

Ernie: Uh, Iíd like to put a private investigator on her. Get some proof.

Lori: If sheís admitted . . .

Ernie: The goal being to get some compromising pictures to use as leverage.

Lori: In hopes of . . .

[Ernie sighs]

Ernie: Negotiating an annulment.

Beah: I know it sounds crazy. And I know Iím one of those obnoxious stage mothers. I get that. But Sarah worked hard. Iíve tried to teach her what you earn, people canít take that away from you. Sheís earned this, Mr. Shore.

Alan: I have no doubt. But you realize, producers do have discretion. And the art of casting strikes me as a very inexact science.

Beah: If they knew they were gonna go white, why did they let her try out at all? Whyíd they let her get her hopes up? Iíll tell you why. So they can pass themselves off as equal opportunity employers. So they can claim to be about diversity. They want it both ways, Mr. Shore. And my daughter got hurt.

Sharon: That was our deal. I would work two jobs, put him through business school, then he would put me through medical school. A week after he graduated, he got a job running a mutual fund, and a week after that, he left me. Our kids were four then. Twins. Simon and Harry. They're eight now.

Sally: Oh, theyíre beautiful.

Sharon: Thanks. In their peewee league uniforms. You know, heís never seen one of their games.

Sally: He pay your way through med school?

Sharon: Take a wild guess. I donít care, though. Iíve graduated now. Got a residency waiting for me in New York City. But Matthew wonít let me take the boys out of state. Says he wants them close byóthese boys he sees once a month. Itís nothing but spite.

Brad: Now, look, weíre going to reschedule a hearing. Iím sure everything is going to work out fine. You just have to be patient.

Sharon: If Iím not at Columbia Presbyterian 8:00 am Monday morning, they will give my spot away. That canít happen. I have worked to hard to build a life for these boys.

Denny: We canít tail the wife.

Lori: Thatís what he wants, Denny.

Denny: Canít do it. Not ethical. Sheís a client, too.

Lori: What I would suggest is we send a letter of withdrawal to end-run the conflict. Get an opinion letter of outside counsel . . .

Denny: I donít want to tail the wife.

Lori: Denny, I donít need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our biggest clients. If he wants a private investigator, whatís the real harm?

Denny: The harm would be to me.

Lori: Iím sorry?

Denny: Iím the one sleeping with his wife.

Paul: Denny is having an affair with the woman?

Lori: Iíve got a senior partner saying, ďDonít tail her.Ē Iíve got a client wanting snapshots. What do I do, Paul?

Paul: Convince Ernie that the private investigator idea is a bad one.

Lori: Oh, sure.

Paul: You have enormous persuasive skills, Lori.

Lori: Youíre handling me.

Paul: I am. And I need you to handle Ernie. I will handle Denny.

Lori: Tara?

Tara: Hi.

Lori: Donít be offended by this. I know youíre a great lawyer with exceptional legal skills.

Tara: And?

Lori: I need you to flirt with Ernie Dell.

Tara: Excuse me?

Lori: The man is a profound skirt chaser.

Tara: Whatís wrong with your skirt?

[Lori sighs]

Lori: Okay, look. Men sometimes find me attractive. From time to time, theyíll even hit on me. Itís all deeply rewarding. But youó

Tara: What me?

Lori: Youíre hot. Yeah. Kind of . . . nasty hot. Men would leave their wives for you, and I need to make Ernie forget about his wife so . . .

Tara: If you think that I . . .

Lori: Donít make me pull rank. You can file your sexual harassment claim tomorrow, but todayónowóyou need to meet with Ernie.

Alan: It seems the client canít pay, so the firm will have to eat the cost of prosecuting this matter. Iím sure the partners wonít object, when they hear that it was a case you assigned to me.

Brad: Iíll tell you what. Iíll pay the cost of prosecuting the case.

Alan Shore: Mmm.

Brad: Of course, if you were a betting man . . . You win, I pay. You lose, you pay. Bit of a gamble, I realize...

Alan: Iíll pay double.

Sharon: You got another hearing?

Brad: Thatís the good news. The not-so-good news is we probably wonít win it.

Sally: But, it at least gives us leverage to get your ex-husband in a room.

Sharon: Woo-woo. What are you talking about?

Brad: We want to take a shot at a settlement. Now, if your ex cares anything about these kids, then . . .

Sharon: He doesnít. This is all about getting me. Have I not been clear about that? He doesnít even know the kids.

Brad: Iíve dealt with bad ex-husbands before.

Sharon: Mr. Chase, no offense, but you have never dealt with this one. Trust me.

Atty. Smith: This is Little Orphan Annie, for Godís sake! If she doesnít look the part . . .

Alan: I didnít realize we did racial profiling for our comic strips.

Atty. Smith: These are private investors. There is no state action involved.

Judge Sharpley: How would the story change if Annie were black?

Atty. Smith: Your Honor, are you serious?

Judge Sharpley: Counsel, we are talking about adoption here. Daddy Warbucks isnít the biological father. Exactly how would the story change?

Atty. Smith: Little Orphan Annie is an iconic character based . . .

Judge Sharpley: I want to see her.

Atty. Smith: Excuse me?

Judge Sharpley: The girl who got the role. I want to compare.

Atty. Smith: Your Honor, is that really fair to the other little girl?

Judge Sharpley: Well, counsel, if she can sing eight times a week in front of 3000-plus people a night, she can sing in front of me. Get her in here.

Ernie: I want the private investigator.

[Lori sighs]

Lori: The thing is, Ernie, the photographs will have no legal relevance. They canít facilitate an annulment.

Ernie: I am the customer here, Lori.

Lori: Customer isnít always right.

Tara: May I . . . make an observation? I really donít know you, Mr. Dell, but I suspect thereís a reason why all these younger women want to marry you.

Ernie: Itís called money.

Tara: Youíre wrong. Itís called power. And you derive a lot of that power not just from being handsome and sexy, but from being dignified. Hiring a private investigator is beneath you. There are many young, beautiful women out there, who would love to jump into your . . . wifeís place. I know this sounds crazy, but . . . you might want to look at this as an opportunity.

Denny: Paul.

Paul: You and I go back a long way, Denny. Completely mindful of the fact that you helped build this place, the partners here will not allow you to dismantle it with your buffoonery.

Denny: What did you say to me?

Paul: I donít think you want to hear me say it again. To have an affair with the wife of one of our biggest clientsóit disrespects both Ernie Dell and this firm.

Denny: We have other clients.

Paul: Not like Ernie. But your point is well taken. Everybody is fungible.

Ernie: Lori Colson wonít tail my wife. I want you to do it.

Paul: Ernie.

Ernie: Iím not talking to you. Get it done, Denny.

Alan: Denny, Iím having a bit of an identity crisis. Iíve always prided myself on being . . . well, nuts. But in this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.

Denny: laughing You think Iím nuts, do you?

Alan: Are you scared?

Denny: Scared? What would I be scared of?

Alan: Edwin Poole is a friend. To see him just go off the high dive?

Denny: Edwin Pooleís problem is he doesnít like being Edwin Poole. From time to time heíd look in the mirror and ask, ďWhatís the point?Ē I never do that. Questions like thatíll kill you.

Alan: Questions like, ďWhatís the point?Ē

Denny: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, youíre gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. Whatís the point? You donít askóthatís the point. You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.

Alan: Iím afraid not. Thereís no state action. Weíve asked for a specific performance with no clear evidence of discrimination. I donít like losing, especially when thereís a wager involved.

Denny: Well, donít, soldier. Pull a rabbit out of your hat. Thatís the secret of both trial law and life.

Alan: Rabbits?

Denny: Oh, yeah.

Matthew: Excuse me, Iím looking for . . . you, actually. All my life. Matthew.

Tara: Tara.

Alan Shore: Alan.

Matthew: I had a girl who looked like you once. Married her. Now she looks like you. Where the hell is my lawyer?

Sally: If you took summer, plus winter breaks, spring break, holiday weekendsóyou start to get pretty close to what you have now.

Matthew: Pass.

Sharon: Thatís too much custody for Super Dad.

Brad: Is there any acceptable scenario that would allow for Sharon to enroll in her program without leaving the boys behind?

Matthew: We could each take one.

Sharon: Excuse me?

Matthew: You know, like that Nazi movie where the woman has to pick which kid to keep.

Atty. Tompkins: Sophieís Choice.

Matthew: Thank you.

Atty. Tompkins: Uh, huh.

Matthew: Only this is Sharonís choice. One goes with her to New York; I keep the other one. Done.

Sharon: Thatís outrageous. The boys love each other. Thótheyíre best friends.

Matthew: A little weird, donít you think? Letís see what happens when we split Ďem up.

Sharon: Stop doing this! You have already scarred your children enough to last a lifetime. Imagine how that feels to a little boy - knowing that their father could care less whether he sees them or not! And yet, if it means denying me something that I want, something that I deserve, something that this family needs . . . suddenly youíre... youíre a concerned father! Damn you!

Matthew: And what about my needs, huh? What freakish nightmare did I step into that turned my wife who was hot, who had sex with me, who liked to go out with me at night, into some earth-mother world-record setting breast feeder? And no, you want to leave your kids with some non-English-speaking nanny for a hundred hours a week so you can live out your ER fantasy life? Be my guest. But itís not my problem that youíre not good enough to get hired anywhere in the entire state.

Ernie: Denny, did you hire that P.I. yet? I asked you a question. Truth be told, my relationship with this firm hangs in the balance.

Jerry: Uh, Ernie, why donít we step into my office . . .

Ernie: Iím talking to Denny.

Denny: All right, Ernie. Truth time. My office.

Denny: This is not gonna be easy for you to hear, but it needs to be said. I donít give a damn who slept with your wife. Neither do you, really. You donít love her. This is an ego thing. Sheís a trophy girl. Something for your friends to admire. Maybe you should be flattered.

Ernie: Iím not . . .

Denny: Iím talking. Ego, Ernie. You acquire fast cars and young wives to try and stay young yourself in the hope of confusing youth with relevance. Well, hereís a flash for you. Weíre all desperate to be relevant. Youíre 76 years old! Want to feel you still mean something? Move to Florida, punch a chad, screw up an election. Donít go looking for affirmation between the two artificial jugs of a woman who married you foróGee, could it be your outstanding sense of humor? Take a swing if you want to, if it makes you feel better.

Brad: The guardian ad litem acknowledged in her report in the last year, Mr. Calder took custody of the boys only one weekend a month.

Atty. Tompkins: Mr. Calderís been steeped in a major work crisis at his company.

Brad: I donít care if heís been dismantling a nuclear weapon. The fact is, he hasnít been there. Thereís no doubt that my client is, in practice, the primary custodian. Now this woman is struggling to make a life for her family

Judge Hernandez: What? She canít make it in the Commonwealth?

Brad: Sheíd love to, but the offer comes from New York. And my client has made every sacrifice...

Judge Hernandez: Thatís what parents do, Mr. Chase. You have kids, you make sacrifices. They got married here, they had children here. Mr. Calder, as fathers go, I consider you a disgrace. Ms. Brant, there is a reason for this policy. We donít like angry spouses yanking kids across state lines. Itís an undue burden on the family unit. Accordingly, your plan to relocate with your sons remains enjoined.

[gavel bangs]

Sharon: What now?

Brad: I donít know.

Matthew: I, uh, I guess that didnít go too well.

Sarah: ď. . . when Iím stuck with a day thatís gray and lonely; I just stick out my chin and grin and say - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, youíre always a day away.Ē

Judge Sharpley: Thank you. That was . . .

Sarah: ďTomorrow, tomorrow, Iíll love ya tomorrow. Youíre always a day away.Ē

Alan: That was great!

Judge Sharpley: Sarah, that was magnificent. But the other little girl was quite good, too. And given the discretion that has to be allowed to producers in these situations...

Alan: Your Honor, we have something called the Equal Protection Clause, we have something called the 14th Amendment - I believe itís actually required reading for judges. I could be wrong there.

Reverend Al Sharpton: Could I be heard, your Honor? I heard about this matter. I would like to address this court on what I consider . . .

Judge Sharpley: Iím sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil rights violation.

Judge Sharpley: Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down . . .

Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing...

Judge Sharpley: You have no standing in this meeting.

Reverend Al Sharpton: . . . on the steps of the courthouse in Alabama!

Judge Sharpley: No one is denying this little girl an education, sir. She just canít play Annie.

Reverend Al Sharpton: You may think this is a small matter. But this is no small matter. This child is being denied the right to play an American icon because she doesnít match the description. Those descriptions were crafted 50 years ago! Weíre supposed to be in a different day!

Judge Sharpley: Reverend . . .

Reverend Al Sharpton: You talk about racial equality, how weíre making progress. The problem with that progress is itís always a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrowóyou love that!óbecause itís always a day away. Iím here to stick out my chin today! Today! Give us an African-American Spider Man! Give us a black that can run faster than a speeding bullet and leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Not tomorrowótoday! Today! The sun needs to come out today! Not tomorrow, your Honor! God Almighty! Give the American people a black Orphan Annie. Itís just not good enough to say she doesnít look the part. Thatís what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Sally: What if we file a T.R.O. in federal court on behalf of the kids?

Brad: On what grounds?

Sally: I donít know. Theyíve been denied a right to interstate travel.

Brad: Itís dubious, but I like your thinking.

Sally: Come here for a second. Look, I just - I just need to know.

Brad: Sally.

Alan: Brad.

Brad: Alan.

Sally: The deadbeat doesnít even see his kids, doesnít know them, and heís using them as weapons to destroy his ex-wife and them.

Alan: And thatís why you were so upset? The case?

Sally: Itís a little hard, okay? I...I prefer him in D.C.

Alan: Mm, hm. Do you think I should start working out with weights? Maybe do some calisthenics?

Sally: Iím trying to, like, express my...

Alan: You still like him?

Sally: Well, what context are you asking as, Alan? I mean, are you asking as like a boyfriend, or...

Alan: Iím not allowed to ask questions?

Sally: Am I? About Tara?

Alan: What about Tara?

Sally: Nothing. Anyway, he left. I got very depressed, drank a lot, hit on too many boys. Until I met this one boy - man, distinguished.

[Alan laughs]

Sally: And now I just . . . Okay. How small is the town of Boston?

Alan: What?

Sally: The dirtbag is right over there.

Alan: Bradley?

Sally: The ex-husband. Really trying to strengthen that family unit.

Sally: What are you doing?

Alan: I just need to use your thingie for a second.

Sally: Can we get outta here: I donítóI donít wanna look at that pig.

Alan: Okay.

Alan Shore: Weíre off.

Denny: I told him weíre all desperate to be relevant.

Lori: Were you able to dissuade him?

Denny: I think so.

Lori: Denny, do you think you were talking about yourself a little? You feeling a little desperate to be relevant lately?

Denny: Donít waste your time trying to get in my head. Thereís nothing there.

Lori: Theyíre not going to take the firm from you. First, Paul Lewiston could never get the votes. Second, he wouldnít want to. The man loves you.

Denny: Iím not worried, Lori. Do I look worried? Yeah. Look out there. My domain. My city. Iím Denny Crane.

Secretary: Sir, if I could just get your name. I would be happy to buzz Mr. Calder.

Alan: Youíre very kind, but look, Iím already here.

Secretary: Thereís a meeting in progress, though, and Iíve been instructed not to disturb him.

Alan: Hello, Matthew. Shame. I was quite hoping Iíd interrupt something tawdry. Iím Alan Shore. Your colleague and I just met, but we seem to share a proclivity for exotic women and illicit behavior. Can I steal you a second?

Matthew: Whatís going on?

Alan: Iíll keep it quick. These are for you. Photos, snapshots. Really some delightful little business between you and a hooker. A friend of mine, actually. I earn frequent flyer miles. Sheís a lovely woman. I arranged for her to seek you out at the bar. I particularly like that one, donít you? Gives your bottom a nice . . . aura. Hereís the deal. Sharon and the kids get to go to New York, or I start printing copies. Is that powdered sugar, by the way, that youíre snorting off her magnificent porcelain breasts?

Matthew: You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm, for Godís sake.

Alan: I know. Awful. Hate to extort and run, but Iím afraid Iíll need an answer on this. Now.

Lori: Tara, I need to apologize. I know how degrading that had to be with Ernie. And...

Tara: Not at all. In fact, I slept with him last night. Anything for the team.

Lori: I suppose I deserved that. This wasnít so much for the team as it is for Denny. Thereís some stuff going on...

Denny: What stuff?

Ernie: Denny, I need another moment.

Ernie: I was thinking how right you are not to hire a private investigator. I thank you for your counsel. After all, itís possible that I might learn something that could upset me even further. I hadnít considered that. Did you consider that, Denny?

Denny: Ernie, I donít have time to consider all the things I have to consider.

Ernie: Um, hmm. Can we sit?

Denny: Oh, yeah; please.

Ernie: See, the thing is, fool that I am, I went out and hired a P.I. on my own. And guess what I found out, Denny?

Denny: Iím not sure, Ernie, but you need to know that Iím billing you for all these rhetorical questions.

Ernie: My own lawyer. My friend - with my wife. Talk to me about my quest for relevance, Denny. Tell me about my ego. Come up with one last profound thing to say before I pull this trigger. Come on, Denny, talk. I want to hear what the great Denny Crane has to say now.

Denny: First off, clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot me. You know what I tell them? Go ahead. The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip. One day you wake up and youíre ďless than.Ē And for me? Iím a legend, Ernie. Iím folklore in this town. Lawyers have feared me for years. For Denny Crane to slip? It would diminish my legacy. It would be a tragedy. Denny Crane has to go out big, page one of the Globe, New York Times, even. Do me a favor, Ernie. Pull the trigger. Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger. I donít ever want to be ďless than.Ē Donít let me become irrelevant. Pull it!

Ernie: Okay. But before I do, donít you at least want to apologize?

Denny: I do. Iím sorry, my friend. Iím truly sorry. Ernie, uh, that gunóI bought it for you. Remember? Itís a starter pistol, Ernie.

[Ernie sighs]

Alan: Itís a controversy. Thatís what Al Sharpton does. And he does it well. He doesnít just make noise. He lights and carries a torch of racial controversy.

Atty. Smith: Mr. Shore...

Alan: Which you know. Which is why youíre here. We need to put this one out, good people. Controversy is bad business for musicals. Your production will open and close faster than you can say, ďTrent Lott.Ē I assume youíve come with a proposal. Letís have it. Sarah?

Sarah: ďWhen Iím stuck with a day, thatís...Ē

Atty. Smith: Okay. Weíll offer you the role of understudy on weekends.

Beah: Plus three matinees a month.

Atty. Smith: Done.

Alan Shore: Sarah?

[Sarah nods]

Brad: Pulled a gun on him!

Lori: It only shot blanks, but, yeah. Dramaís over. Howís it feel being back?

Brad: Itís all right. Let me ask you a question. Iíd appreciate an honest answer.

Lori: Okay.

Brad: Do you think I talk too fast?

Lori: Umm . . . Sometimes, youíre a little brisk.

Brad: I think itís good business practice, not to mention good business ethics. We charge by the hour. Our clients pay for the time that we spend talking. As attorneys, we have an obligation not to over-bill our clients, so if I talk fast, itís just because I feel...

Lori: Ethically bound.

Brad: He makes fun of me.

Lori: Iím sorry?

Brad: Shore. He thinks Iím a Ken doll. No. Itís not right. He calls me a Ken doll while he...

[Lori laughs]

Lori: Plays with your Barbie.

[knock on door]

Sharon: Excuse me. Hi.

Brad: Sharon.

Sharon: I just...I just came to say thank you. Not that I agree with your tactics. But what this means to me and...and my children, well, thank you so much. I will never forget this.

Denny: Remember that book? "One Flew Over the Cuckooís Nest"?

Alan: Yes. Is there a point, or did you just want to know if Iíd read it?

Denny: There you go again. Always looking for a point.

Brad: Matthew Calder just agreed to let his wife move with their children.

Denny: Fantastic.

Brad: You got pictures of him with a hooker. You blackmailed him.

Alan: You make it sound unsavory.

Brad: Listen to me. I know how you practice law. I donít practice law like that.

Alan: It was a rabbit. Well, really, a bunny. Marines donít like bunnies?

Brad: You know the only reason I donít report you to the Bar, mister...

Alan: Is because Sharon might not be able to go to New York with her children, which shockingly is more important than our combined ethical egos.

Brad: You know what, sport? You and I now officially have a relationship.

Alan: Great. Perhaps we can get together and do a couple of push-ups, sport.

[Denny laughs]

Denny: Hooker rabbits. I love it.

Alan: You know, you never answered my question the other night.

Denny: Which was?

Alan: Are you scared?

Denny: The only thing to be scared of, son, is tomorrow. I donít live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.

Alan: Denny Crane.

Denny: What was that?

Alan: Nothing. Denny Crane, hereís to no tomorrows.

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Updated 2/12/08  


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