"Head Cases" Boston Legal Favorite Quotes Season One From The TV MegaSite
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Boston Legal Favorite Quotes Season 1

We picked out the best lines we liked!


by Suzanne

"Head Cases"

Brad Chase: ah, think thatís my seat.
Alan Shore: Yes. I did see someoneís things here. I moved them to a less desirable location. Iím sorry; weíre not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?

Chicago partner: I know. Iím . . . um . . . with Chicago.
Denny Crane: My kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago. What about you?

Denny Crane: All right, everybodyólock and load. Item 1: Forget Item 1.
Nigel: Well, actually, Denny, item 1 is a rather urgent matter that we must discuss.
Denny Crane: Why donít you brief us?
Nigel: Gladly. If we . . .
(Denny Crane hits the mute button on his remote.)
Denny Crane: Item 2: Beckerman discovery? What the hell is that?
Jerry Austin: Uh, well, opposing counsel was granted their motion to compel, which means we are now required to
turn over all correspondence and scientific studies.
Denny Crane: Hmm, what about the ones we burned before the judgeís orders?
Sam Halpern: We didnít burn any documents.
Denny Crane: Well, sure we did. Do it today. All right, Nigel, keep going, weíre listening.
(Clicks remote)
Nigel: Uh, if we donít . . .
Denny Crane: (hitting the mute button again) Item 3.

Edwin Poole: Sorry Iím late, good people.
(He walks around the table to revealóto everyoneóhe is wearing no pants.)
Alan Shore: Is it Casual Monday?

Sally Heep: Please tell me that youíve never seen anything like that before.
Alan Shore: Baring your ass to 24 attorneys, including 2 overseasóthat is an unprecedented triumph. Iím just
distraught I didnít think of it myself.

Brad Chase: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Brad Chase. Look, Iíve been asked to stay, which Iím considering.
But Iím concerned that you and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I like to be straight up with people, and If
thereís and issue or conflict, letís address it head on, if you donít mind.
Alan Shore: I have trouble talking that fast. I donít believe in being straight up, but Iím a big fan of your Aqua Velva
commercials.
Brad Chase: Thereís a potential client in the conference room. Iíd like you to meet with her. Oh, forgot to
mentionóI outrank you.
Alan Shore: Do you? And Iím such a slut for authority.
Sally Heep: All right. You think the two little boys could get off the playground now?


Alan Shore: Iím afraid thereís been a terrible mistake. I donít do musical comedy.
Beah Toomy: Annieís a drama. Itís full of suspense on whether a little girl gets to live with the rich guy. Itís
dramatic.


Sally Heep: Well, maybe because you feel I canít deal with a client on my own.
Brad Chase: I donít feel that way at all.
Sally Heep: Well, then I guess I really have no idea what you feel.
Brad Chase: I guess not.
Sally Heep: And thatís supposed to be my fault?
Alan Shore: Wait a minute. You two have had sex!
Brad Chase: Iím sorry. Weíre not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?


Denny Crane: We canít tail the wife.
Lori Colson: Thatís what he wants, Denny.
Denny Crane: Canít do it. Not ethical. Sheís a client, too.
Lori Colson: What I would suggest is we send a letter of withdrawal to end-run the conflict. Get an opinion letter of
outside counsel . . .
Denny Crane: I donít want to tail the wife.
Lori Colson: Denny, I donít need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our biggest clients. If he wants a private
investigator, whatís the real harm?
Denny Crane: The harm would be to me.
Lori Colson: Iím sorry?
Denny Crane: Iím the one sleeping with his wife.


Atty. Smith: This is Little Orphan Annie, for Godís sake! If she doesnít look the part . . .
Alan Shore: I didnít realize we did racial profiling for our comic strips.

Alan Shore: Denny, Iím having a bit of an identity crisis. Iíve always prided myself on being . . . well, nuts. But in
this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.
Denny Crane: (laughing) You think Iím nuts, do you?


Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, youíre gonna go into court and argue that some little fat
black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. Whatís the point? Pause You donít askóthatís the point.
You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.
Alan Shore: Iím afraid not. Thereís no state action. Weíve asked for a specific performance with no clear evidence
of discrimination. I donít like losing, especially when thereís a wager involved.
Denny Crane: Well, donít, soldier. Pull a rabbit out of your hat. Motions with his index finder for Alan Shore to
lean closer. Then, conspiratorially Thatís the secret of both trial law and life.
Alan Shore: Rabbits?
Denny Crane: nods Oh, yeah.
 


Alan Shore: Your Honor, we have something called the Equal Protection Clause, we have something called the 14th
AmendmentóI believe itís actually required reading for judges. I could be wrong there.
Reverend Al Sharpton (from behind Alan): Could I be heard, your Honor? I heard about this matter. I would like to
address this court on what I consider . . .
Judge Rita Sharpley: Iím sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil rights violation.
Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down . . .
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing, . . .
Judge Rita Sharpley: You have no standing in this meeting.
Reverend Al Sharpton: . . . on the steps of the courthouse in Alabama!
Judge Rita Sharpley: No one is denying this little girl an education, sir. She just canít play Annie.
Reverend Al Sharpton: You may think this is a small matter. But this is no small matter. This child is being denied
the right to play an American icon because she doesnít match the description. Those descriptions were crafted 50
years ago! Weíre supposed to be in a different day!
Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend . . .
Reverend Al Sharpton: You talk about racial equality, how weíre making progress. The problem with that progress
is itís always a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrowóyou love that!óbecause itís always a day away. Iím here to stick
out my chin today! Today! Give us an African-American Spider Man! Give us a black that can run faster than a
speeding bullet and leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Not tomorrowótoday! Today! The sun needs to come
out today! Not tomorrow, your Honor! God Almighty! Give the American people a black Orphan Annie. Itís just not
good enough to say she doesnít look the part.
(Applause from the spectatorsí gallery)
Reverend Al Sharpton: (to Alan Shore) Thatís what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Denny Crane: Donít waste your time trying to get in my head. Thereís nothing there.

Matthew Calder: Whatís going on?
Alan Shore: Iíll keep it quick. These are for you. )pulls out 8x10 photos in a manila folder, handing them to
Matthew Calder Photos.) Snapshots, really. Some delightful little business between you and a hooker. A friend of
mine, actually. I earn Frequent Flyer miles. Sheís a lovely woman. I arranged for her to seek you out at the bar. I
particularly like that one, donít you? Gives your bottom a nice . . . aura. Hereís the deal. Sharon and the kids get to
go to New York, or I start printing copies. Is that powdered sugar, by the way, that youíre snorting off her
magnificent porcelain breasts?
Matthew Calder: You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm, for Godís sake.
Alan Shore: I know. Awful. Hate to extort and run, but Iím afraid Iíll need an answer on thisónow.



Denny Crane: First off: Clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot me. You know what I tell them? Go
ahead. The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip. One day you wake up and youíre ďless
than.Ē And for me? Iím a legend, Ernie. Iím folklore in this town. Lawyers have feared me for years. For Denny
Crane to slip? It would diminish my legacy. It would be a tragedy. Denny Crane has to go out bigópage one of the
GlobeóNew York Times, even. Do me a favor, Ernie. Pull the trigger. Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger. I
donít ever want to be ďless than.Ē Donít let me become irrelevant. Pull it!
Ernie Dell: cocks the gun Okay. But before I do, donít you at least want to apologize?
Denny Crane: nods I do. Iím sorry, my friend. Iím truly sorry. Ernie, uh, that gunóI bought it for you.
Remember? Itís a starter pistol, Ernie.


Brad Chase: He makes fun of me.
Lori Colson: Iím sorry?
Brad Chase: Shore. He thinks Iím a Ken doll. sigh No. Itís not right. He calls me a Ken doll while he . . .
Lori Colson: (laughing) . . . plays with your Barbie.


Brad Chase: You got pictures of him with a hooker. You blackmailed him.
Alan Shore: You make it sound unsavory.
Brad Chase: Listen to me. I know how you practice law. I donít practice law like that.
Alan Shore: It was a rabbit. Well, really, a bunny. Marines donít like bunnies?
Brad Chase: You know the only reason I donít report you to the Bar, mister . . .
Alan Shore: Is because Sharon might not be able to go to New York with her children, which shockingly is more important than our combined ethical egos.
Brad Chase: You know what, sport? You and I now officially have a relationship.
Alan Shore: Great. Perhaps we can get together and do a couple of push-ups, sport.


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Updated 2/12/08 

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