"Pilot" - Bones Favorite Quotes From The TV MegaSite
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Funniest and Best Lines from the show!

"Pilot"

Temperance: I was never reduced to flashing my boobs for information.

Angela: Flash them for any fun reasons?

Temperance: I was literally neck deep in a mass grave, not romantic.

Angela: You know, diving in a pit of cadavers is no way to handle a messy break up.


[Homeland Security agent opens the bag to reveal a skull]

Temperance: Boo.

[Cut to profile view of the skull, fade to Brennan sitting at a table]

Temperance: I am Doctor Temperance Brennan. Iíve been in Guatemala for two months identifying victims of genocide including him.
[Gesturing to the skull]

Agent: Most people in this situation, what they do is, they sweat it.

Temperance: Guatemala, genocide? How are you scary after that?

Agent: You know who doesnít sweat it?

[Cut to female agent who is also in the room]

Agent 2: Sociopaths.

Temperance: I am not a sociopath, Iím an anthropologist at the Jeffersonian.


Booth: [To the Agent] FBI. Special Agent Seeley Booth, Major Crime Investigation, D.C. Bones identifies bodies for us.

Temperance: Donít call me Bones. And I do more than identify.


Temperance: Thatís the best you can do?

Booth: What?

Temperance: Getting Homeland Security to snatch me so that you can stage a fake rescue.

Booth: Well, at least I picked you up at the airport, huh?


Booth: Alright, listen. A decomposed corpse was found this morning at Arlington National Cemetery downÖ

Temperance: Arlington National Cemetery is full of decomposed corpses, itísÖ a cemetery.

Booth: Yeah, but this one is your type of corpse, it wasnít in a casket.

Temperance: If you drive one more block, Iím screaming Ďkidnapí out the window.


Temperance: I find you very condescending.

Booth: Me! Iím condescending. Iím not the one whoís got to mention that sheís got a Doctorate every, five, minutes.

Temperance: I am the one with the Doctorate.

Booth: Yeah, well you know what? Iím the one with the badge and the gun huh. You know, youíre not the only forensic anthropologist in town.

Temperance: [Laughing] Yes I am. The next nearest is in Montreal. Parlez-vous francais?


Zach: How was Guatemala? Dig up lots of massacred victims? Learn a thing or two about machete strikes?

Temperance: Zach, I need water samples and temperature readings from the pond.

Zach: Right away, Dr. Brennan.

Booth: Heís got no sense of discretion, that kid. Typical SquintÖ

Temperance: I donít know what that means.

Booth: When cops get stuck, we bring in people like you. You know? Squints. You know, you squint at things.

Temperance: Oh, you mean people with very high IQís and basic reasoning skills.

Booth: [Looking chastised] Yeah.


Dr. Goodman: Whatís the rule, Mr. Addy?

Zach: [Sighing] You only converse with PhDís. You realize I am half way through two Doctorates? Two halves make a whole, so mathematically speakingÖ

Dr. Goodman: Go polish a bone, Mr. Addy!


Hodgins: The pond is not only warm and teeming with microbes, which accelerated decomposition, but it houses black carp and coy which fed on the body.

Angela: Can I, as the only normal person in this room, say, Ew?


Zach: [To Brennan] Point of clarification, Iím not a virgin. Nowhere near in fact.

Angela: Who you captured perfectly, is Booth. Buttoned down but buckets of sexual confidence which, uhhh, I for one would love to tap.

Zack: Itís not right to discuss tapping asses in front of a soaker.


Temperance: Zach, I donít like those terms for human remains; soaker, crispy critterÖ

Zach: Sorry, Dr. Brennan.


Cullen: So, you guaranteed a squint a field role in an active murder investigation.

Booth: Yes,, sir.

Cullen: The one that wrote the book.

Booth: Yes sir.

Cullen: Thought you said that she wouldnít work with you anymore.

Booth: Well, the last case we worked, she provided a description of the murder weapon and the murderer, but I didnít give her much credence.

Cullen: Why not?

Booth: Because she did it by looking at the victimís autopsy x-rays.

Cullen: [Snort] Well, I wouldnít give it much credence either.

Booth: Turns out she was right on both. Plus, the pond victim-- Brennan gives me the victimís age, sex and favourite sport.

Cullen: [Chuckling] Which is?

Booth: Tennis.

Cullen: [In awe] Sheís good.

Booth: Oh, sheís amazing. If the only way I can get her back to my side is to bring her out in the field, Iím willing.

Cullen: Well, Squints like to stay safe, back at the lab. Whatís with Brennan?

Booth: Remember a case back in the early 90ís, a couple goes missing on the interstate, car was found at a rest stop?

Cullen: Yeah. Upstate New York, upstanding citizens, nobody found anythingÖ

Booth: Those are Brennanís parents.

Cullen: [Thinking] Fine. Sheís on you. Take a Squint out in the field, sheís your responsibility.

Booth: Thank you sir.


Temperance: Does she look familiar to anyone?

Booth: [Shaking his head in disbelief] NoÖ

Temperance: [To Angela] Split the difference, mixed race.

Angela: Lenny Kravitz or Vanessa Williams?

Temperance: I donít know what that means.


Zach: Iím not an expert but, shouldnít he be happier?

Booth: Oh no, believe me, Iím happy.

Hodgins: Heís not happy because Senator Bethlehem chairs the Senate Committee overseeing the FBI.

Angela: You seem happy to me.

Booth: I need this kept quiet.

Hodgins: Ha! Cover up!

Booth: Paranoid conspiracy theory.

Hodgins: Is it paranoia that Monica Lewinsky was a KGB trained sex agent mole?


Booth: A case this big and the Director is going to create a special investigation, and if I line all my ducks up in a row I could maybe, maybe I can head it up.

Temperance: I donít know what that means, but I think I could be a duck.

Booth: Youíre not a duck, ok? On this one, we stick to the book. Cops on the street, Squints in the lab.

Temperance: Well, in that case, the Jeffersonian will be issuing a press release identifying the girl in the pond.

Booth: You do that, Iím a dead duck. What are you trying to do?

Temperance: Blackmail you.

Booth: Blackmail a Federal Agent?

Temperance: Yes.

Booth: I donít like it.

Temperance: Iím fairly certain youíre not supposed to.

Booth: Fine. Youíre in.


Brennan: Those people deserved the truth.

Booth: Their daughter was murdered, they deserve the kindness of a lie.

Brennan: ThereĎll be an inquest report.

Booth: Which they wonít read because they donít want to, especially because toward the end, Cleo and her parents werenít even speaking.

Brennan: They told you that?

Booth: You know, getting information out of live people is a lot different than getting information out of a pile of bones, you have to offer up something of yourself first.

Bones: What exactly did you do in the military?

Booth: See? See what you did right there Bones? You asked a personal question without offering anything personal in return and since Iím not a skeleton, you get zilch. Sorry.


Hodgins: In a nutshell; anxious, depressed and nauseous.

Brennan: Take a sick day.

Hodgins: Not me. Cleo Eller. Pupal casings show that she was on Lorazepam, Chloradiazepoxide, and Meclizine Hydrochloride.


Brennan: What if Boothís right. What if Iím only good with bones and lousy with people?

Angela: People like you.

Brennan: I donít care if men like me.

Angela: [Chuckling wryly] Okay, interesting leap from people to men but Iím sure it means nothing.

Brennan: I hate psychology. [Chuckling disbelievingly] My most meaningful relationships are with dead people!

Angela: Who said that?

Brennan: Itís true!


Booth: Come on, BonesÖ [As they are leaving Cullenís office] You okay?

Brennan: Donít be nice to me after I got you in trouble.

Booth: Your heart was in the right place.

Brennan: No, Iím not a heart person. Youíre a heart person, IĎm a brain person. You vouched for me.

Booth: Forget itÖ


Brennan: You want to check him out, we can, I donít, what do you call it, roost him?

Booth: [Smirking] Rouse.

Brennan: Rouse. Well the murderer snatched a Bronze Star from Cleoís neck soÖ

Booth: Iíve got twelve hours before this case is over and Iím off it so, letís go rouse.


Brennan: I believe that the distinctive damage to her distal phalanges, the tips of her finger bones, was caused by the murderer using a knife to remove her finger pads. Cranial fragmentation suggests a 20lb hammer striking four to five times while the victims head rested on a cement floor containing traces of diatomaceous earth, thatís the best explanation for the particulates found in her skull. This was not a crime of passion.

Angela: Cleo never saw the first stab coming, it didnít arise out of an argument. Why smash Cleoís face, why whittle away her finger tips, remove her clothing and her jewelry?

Zach: Sink her body.

Brennan: The murderer put more effort into hiding the victimís identity than he did into the murder itself.

Hodgins: In case Cleo was identified, the murderer planted evidence. The little book that Brennan got from the stalker matches the cellulose I found in Cleoís hand.

Angela: Military cemetery, military knife implicate her own father. More misdirection.

Hodgins: Sound like any conniving, son-of-bitch senators you know?

Booth: You expect me to declare war on a United States Senator based on your little holographic crystal ball?

Brennan: Itís not magic. Itís a logical recreation of events based on evidence.

Booth: No more valid than my gut.


Hodgins: [Holding up Oliverís book] Letís take guidance from the lives of the Saints.

Angels: Albertus Magnus, Patron Saint of Scientists.

Zach: I thought Magnus was the Patron Saint of fish mongers?

Hodgins: Two separate entities. Albertus Magnus was a 13th century philosopher, the fish monger saint was a Ö

Brennan: Fish! [Everyone stares at Brennan]


Booth: Told you it wasnít the Senator.

Brennan: And I told you who it was, so weíre even.

Booth: Except we work on the same cases and you end up on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Brennan: I didnít know that!

Booth: Number Three, with a bullet.

Brennan: Thatís good, right!?! The New York Times with a bulletÖ

Booth: It means youíre rich. Call your accountant.

Brennan: [Laughing] I donít have an accountant.

Booth: Well, get one.

Brennan: Okay, how does that work?

Booth: Ughh, you need to get out of the lab, you know? Watch TV, turn on the radio--anything! Pick up the phone andÖ.


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