Sheldon: Iíve been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did
perfect a time machine, Iíd just go into the past and give it to myself, thus
eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and
tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)
Sheldon: Itís time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.
Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.
Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order.
Sheldon: Howís this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you
that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that youíve done no
original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular
books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each
one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
Leonard: Mahaloís a nice touch.
Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.
Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: You donít have buffets in India?
Raj: Of course, but itís all Indian food. You canít find a bagel in Mumbai to
save your life. Schmear me.Leonard: (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an
amazing leap forward.
Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches?Sheldon: I canít believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose
last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying ďwith all due respect.ĒLeonard: Youíre making eggs for breakfast?
Sheldon: This isnít breakfast, itís an experiment.
Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.
Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of
the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
Sheldon: As do I.Penny: How come you didnít go into work today.
Sheldon: Iím taking a sabbatical, because I wonít kow-tow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.
Penny: Well, maybe itís all for the best, you know I always say, when one door
closes, another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesnít. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or
there are motion sensors involved.Sheldon: Look, youíre not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny: Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs letís say 4,000lb,
now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
Sheldon: Oh, Iím sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into
your self worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, letís say,
Penny: Letís say 4,390.
Sheldon: Fine. Weíre travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now
letís assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by
the time we come to a stop, weíll be occupying the same space as that Buick in
front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death,
mutilation andÖ oh look, they built a new put-put course.Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think youíll
really enjoy this, is, theyíre shelved with the vegetables, but theyíre
technically a fruit.
Sheldon: Isnít it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.
Penny: What now?
Sheldon: Well, thereís some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body
can only absorb so much, what youíre buying here are the ingredients for very
Penny: Well, maybe thatís what I was going for.Leonard: Whatís with the fish?
Sheldon: Itís an experiment.
Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as theyíre ever
going to be.
Leonard: SoÖ fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from
luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.
Leonard: Fish nightlights.
Sheldon: Itís a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Mumís the word.Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising
glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.
Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides,
a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someoneís
mother.Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy.
Mrs Cooper: Heís got my eyes.
Leonard: I see.
Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, donít trouble yourself, heís stubborn. He may stay in
there Ďtil the Rapture.
Penny: Are we so sure thatís a bad thing?Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, itís time to eat. (Everybody begins to do
so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you
help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of
silent meditation Iím going to end with ďIn Jesusí NameĒ but you two donít feel
any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler Iíve ever had.
Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldoní s favourite. You know what the secret
Mrs Cooper: Lard.Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area.
Howard: Hey, look whoís come outÖ.
Mrs Cooper: Shhh! Youíll spook him. Heís like a baby deer, you gotta let him
come to you.
Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round
at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks
down at their meal.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. Youíre a
physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room.
(Sheldon scuttles away)
Mrs Cooper: You donít hunt, do you?Sheldon: Iím not going to apologise, I didnít say anything that wasnít true.
Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four
years old, itís okay to be smarter than everybody but you canít go around
pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mrs Cooper: Because people donít like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got
from the neighbour kids? Now letís get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and letís
shove off. (Exits)
Sheldon: Wouldnít have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had
worked.Mrs Cooper: Problem solved.
Leonard: Really? Thatís impressive.
Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully
he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: Iím not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has
always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.Mrs Cooper: Iím very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?
Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?
Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?