"Pilot" - Big Bang Theory Favorite Quotes From The TV MegaSite
 

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Big Bang Theory Favorite Quotes

Pilot

Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?

Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldnít be here.


Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. Thereís no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but thereís some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesnít know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

Leonard: I donít care. Two millimetres? That doesnít seem right.

Sheldon: No, itís true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?

Sheldon: Evidently.

Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.

Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Leonard: We donít mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.

Penny: Oh, thatís nice.

Leonard: OhÖ uhÖ noÖ we donít live togetherÖ umÖ we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?

Sheldon: No. Weíre going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.

Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.

Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.

Leonard: Yes, and youíve never met one of them.

Sheldon: Thatís the beauty of it.
Leonard: Iím going to invite her over. Weíll have a nice meal and chat.

Sheldon: Chat? We donít chat. At least not offline.

Leonard: Well itís not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when Iím undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I donít have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

Sheldon: Leonard, Iím not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Penny: Holy smokes.

Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any menís room at MIT, sure.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasnít seen this differential below ďhere I sit broken hearted?Ē

Leonard: At least I didnít have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

Sheldon: I didnít invent them, theyíre there.

Leonard: In what universe?

Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?

Leonard: Yeah, itís like regular boggle but, in Klingon. Thatís probably enough about us, tell us about you.

Penny: Um, me, okay, Iím Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sunís apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny: Oh, anyways, Iím also writing a screenplay. Itís about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

Leonard: So itís based on your life?

Penny: No, Iím from Omaha.
Sheldon: It has been some time since weíve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

Leonard: Thatís not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimerís had that episode.

Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since weíve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didnít want to rip our eyes out.

Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Leonard: Iím not going to engage in hypotheticals here, Iím just trying to be a good neighbour.

Sheldon: Oh, of course.

Leonard: Thatís not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldnít participate. However briefly.

Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?

Leonard: Itís Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalkerís the conditioner.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?

Leonard: Uh-huh.

Howard: And you want us out because youíre anticipating coitus?

Leonard: Iím not anticipating coitus.

Howard: So sheís available for coitus?

Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?

Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Howard: Bon douche.

Penny: Iím sorry?

Howard: Itís French for good shower. Itís a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.

Leonard: Must we?

Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned womanís ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

Leonard: Which is?

Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just canít speak to women.

Penny: Really, why?

Howard: Heís kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Leonard: Sheldon, Iím so sorry I dragged you through this.

Sheldon: Itís okay. It wasnít my first pantsing, and it wonít be my last.

Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.

Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Sheldon: Thank you. Youíre not done with her, are you?

Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

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