I am a
lost soul, a dead man walking. I do not exist except in the minds
of other people. My body is a shell that means nothing. I have been
destined to a life of pain and misery, but I do not care and never will
care. Nothing can ever be done to hurt me again because I cannot feel
anything except the numbness from all of the pain I had to endure. I
cannot hear anything because I push it into the back of my mind and refuse
to listen. I cannot see anything because I will not open my eyes to
reality. I cannot taste anything for the simple fact that nothing
satisfies me anymore. Everything is gone.
The only thing that kept me alive is dead, all of it is just gone like it
was never there. Where did everyone go? Was it just a dream? Why was I
left behind? Why didnít they take me with them? Maybe it was all a lie
and I made it up in my head and it never even existed at all. Are the
people around me even real? How do I know for sure if they are? I never
will because it could be just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I am the
only one that sees them.
The world I lived in is gone and so are the people that I loved . I am
sitting here confused and alone, and I ask myself how did this happen?
One day everything was fine and the next day my whole world was shattered
into a million pieces. My heart was ripped out of my body and discarded
like a piece of trash. Am I being punished for the things I have done?
I have been sentenced to a life in prison inside these four
walls that people call a home. Waiting for the day that my life is taken
from me, but it wont matter because my life is already gone. The
person that people once knew as Niki does not exist anymore and there is
nothing that will ever bring her back.
My true love has been stolen from me and it is the only thing that kept me
in this game called Life. I was barely holding on and now I have nothing
to hold on to. I do not know these people that are around me, nor do I
want to know them, they are not my friends. My friends are gone, never to
return or be heard from again, like they never even existed. I am dead
inside without them. Functioning like a robot. With no heart, thoughts,
tears, joy, happiness, or even pain. I am not alive because I am not
living. I am just here, like a tree is just here.
I do not know how to live without them. It is unimaginable. My brain
cannot grasp the concept of them not ever being here again. How do I go
on with my life when my whole world revolved around my one and only true
love? How am I suppose to be happy when the one thing that brought
happiness into my life is gone? I want to push it away and deny it.
Pretend I donít know anything about it and never have. If I could erase
all memories of it from my mind then I would. I am helpless and there is
absolutely nothing I can do about it.
The one thing that saved my life is now killing me, no fault of its
own. There is one person to blame for this. He is conflicting cruel and
unusual punishment against me. I never imagined in a million years that
this could happen. I assumed that my true love would be here forever.
All of my sanity was gone and these people and this place gave it back to
me. They pulled me out of the darkness and into the light. They gave me
a reason to get out of bed every morning. I cannot fathom the thought of
it never being here again. I cannot see my life without it because it is
my life. I am nothing without it. How can they not see what a mistake
I will continue to walk around, lost in this world, but I refuse to play
the game people call Life anymore. I was not born with a mental disorder
nor was it inherited. It was caused by other people pushing me to the
brink of insanity. But insanity is not enough for them so I am being
pushed off of a cliff, into total and complete catatonic psychosis.
I do not care because the place I called home is gone and the people in
it have vanished, never to return. I will sit here for the rest of my
miserable life, until the day I die and wonder: Was there ever really a
place called "Port Charles"? Did I ever really know an angel named
Casey? A vampire named Caleb? Two slayers named Rafe and Lucy? Six
doctors named Kevin, Karen, Gabby, Ian, Chris, & Eve? An EMT named Frank?
What about Livvie, Alison, Jamal, Jack, Ricky, Reese, & Elizabeth who I
thought of as my friends? Did they ever even exist? Or was it just
something I made up in my head to get through this f*cked up game called