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Passions Fan Fiction

"What You'll Never See On Passions" by Timmothy Meadow

Shocking Moments Caught on Tape!

             In the very living room of Alistair Crane’s hide-away home, Alistair is sitting in an antique burgundy chair in his night-robe smoking a cigar.

             “You might be wondering how I, Alistair Crane, got the job of hosting this special new primetime show, brought to you by Hanson and Son’s grade A egg’s. Well the answer of course is that I have camera’s set up all over town.”

             Alistair stands up and walks over to a picture of Theresa Crane, framed of course.

            “Ah, my daughter-in-law, so beautiful yet very dim-witted. Let me show you what being a Crane to Theresa means to her.”

            The scene begins in the Crane Living room on a summer morning. Ivy, Rebecca, Gwen, Ethan, and Julian are sitting down having coffee when Mrs. Theresa Crane enters the room.

            “I see you all are enjoying your morning coffee,” Theresa says with enthusiasm.

            “Oh my darling wife, you’re just in time to pour me another cup,” Julian says with his quirky smile.

            “I’m your wife, not your personal slave.”

            “Fine, be a good wife and get me another cup of coffee.”

            “Alright then Julian, I’ll get you your cup of coffee.”

            “Oh, good, I knew you were good for something.”

            Rebecca and Ivy laugh as Theresa walks over to the stand and pours the pot of coffee into Julian’s cup. She puts the cream in and smiles. She then gets a juvenile look across her face and leans over and spits into the cup.

            “Ha. Ha. Ha.” Theresa laughs as she stirs it. 

            The scene pauses and Alistair appears with a disgusted look on his face, he stands beside the screen.

            “Theresa, Theresa, Theresa! When will you ever learn? Let’s see that again! 

            The scene replays showing Theresa spitting a hocker into Julian’s cup.

            “Here’s your coffee Julian.”

            “Thanks, my darling wife.”

            Ivy stares at Theresa wondering why she is smiling so much. She asks her and Theresa replies that she’s just in a good mood and that she doesn’t want anybody to ruin it. Rebecca, on the other hand, stands up and yells at Theresa because she thinks that Theresa is up to something. 

            “Look you little wrench! I want to know what you are up to!” Rebecca hollers.

            “I’ll tell you all as soon as Julian is finished with his coffee.”

            Julian stops drinking and puts the cup down. He stands up and walks toward Theresa wondering what she did.

            “What did you do Theresa?” Julian asks.

            “I spit a loogey in your coffee. Welp, bye-bye everyone. I’m going out to the mall for a few. 

            The clip ends and Alistair appears sitting at his desk playing with a bunch of paperclips.

            “You won’t believe the shocking video’s we are about to show you next. This next clip takes place at the Lobster Shack. It’s a Friday night and all of Harmony’s teens are having a good time talking and eating lobsters” 

            The scene begins at the table of Miguel, Charity, Kay, Reese, Jessica and Simone.

            “I’ll be back everyone. I’ve got to use the bathroom,” Miguel says getting up and heading toward the bathroom. He goes into the stall and pulls down his pants and sits down on the toilet. He pulls out a Reader’s Digest from his pocket, “Looks like I’m going to be here a while. Might as well enjoy it.”  

            The scene stops and Alistair appears.

            “Looks like a pleasant trip to the old pooper doesn’t it? Well, what I’m about to show you next is going to make you fall of your seat!” 

            The scene starts with Miguel putting the magazine back in his pocket. He stands up and looks around for the toilet paper.

“Where is the toilet paper? Oh, you have got to be kidding me! NO!”

Meanwhile back in the diner. Charity and the rest of the table are waiting patiently for Miguel to return.

“Where is Miguel?” Kay says with impatience, “Reese, will you go and check?” Reese goes inside the men’s bathroom and looks for Miguel. He yells for him and Miguel answers.

            “What are you doing Miguel?



            “I’m doing #2”

            “Miguel, what are you talking about?”

            “Do you want me to draw you a picture?”

            “It would help. Now what are you doing?”


            “What do you mean?”

            Miguel gets frustrated and yells with all his might, “I’m taking a freakin crap!”

            The customers in the lobster shack get quiet and stare at the men’s bathroom. Charity gets up and wonders if that was Miguel who screamed.

            “Oh, dude. I didn’t need to know that,” Reese says painfully.

            “Man, can you just look around for toilet paper. And if you see any please throw a roll in here because I need one badly.”

            “Okay Miguel,” Reese looks around for toilet paper but doesn’t find any, “Sorry Miguel, but there aren’t any. Look, I’m going back to eat before the food gets cold. Seeya.” As Reese leaves Miguel sits back down.

            “What am I going to do? I’m stuck in the men’s restroom with out any toilet paper. I surely can’t go out there without… well. I just can’t,” He looks down at his socks as a light bulb turns on in his head. Miguel takes his shoes off and then peels his socks off and stands up.

            A few minutes later, Miguel comes out of the bathroom. Charity, Kay, Reese, Jessica, and Simone are all getting up to leave.

            “Where are you all going?” Miguel says.

            Charity walks up to Miguel.

            “Miguel, you were in the bathroom for 45 minutes. We’re done eating. Where are your socks?”

            The scene ends and Alistair Appears in his chair at his home.

            “I hope you all enjoyed tonight’s episode of Shocking Moments Caught on Tape. Stay tuned next time to see the stupid things that Harmony Citizens do. I’m your host, Alistair Crane, signing off. Have a good night. 


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