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Passions Rant and Rave by Melinda
Greetings to all with my first column! I must say this was a better than average week in Harmony, secrets (albeit really, really dumb ones) were revealed and everyone (except stalker girl) actually CHANGED CLOTHES!!!! Incredible! I had figured we'd have to watch poor Sheridan skip around in that trick or treat outfit for at least another week. I have two more nasty comments about that "creation": 1) Now we know Luis loves her because he neither laughed nor ran away from her while she wore it and 2) Just 'cuz Ethan thinks he loves Terrorcita doesn't mean you need to emulate her "fashion" NON-sense.
Okay, 'nuff said on that score. Now to summarize Ethan and Theresa spent Monday thru Wednesday in a most annoying lip lock, with Theresa talking her obsessed girl babble and Edumb promising tot ell Gwen the wedding's off, yes, just as soon as I tie my shoe, yes just as soon as the wedding ceremony's over, yes just as soon as our 19th immaculately conceived child is born...... anyway Ethan and Theresa's make-out session is viewed by Rebecca (and nearly caught by blissfully dim and happy Gwen) who vows the wedding WILL go on! (Note see above, Becky! Edumb's a gutless turd, you're horse-faced daughter will be Mrs. Ethan Crane, don't worry). In a scene of smoldering dullness, TC confides his best bud, Sam (they look like a Hanes commercial, BTW!) about his knee injury: Apparently, he
was all set to play Julian (or Platehead, as I enjoy calling him) for the very important Harmony country club championship (okay, you were gonna be
pro, but at 17 your biggest match was at a country club in some little town in Maine? It's good you found a day job!). Anyway, TC was favored to
win, but Alistair wanted his Platey to win (may I also add, how can Platey and TC have been teens together??? TC looks maybe 40, Julian's 50+
if he's a day) so a car ran TC down, permanently injuring his knee and
embittering his heart towards the Cranes (Platey in particular) forever.
Again, okay, I can understand this making you hate the Cranes but 1) HOW could Sam (his best friend) not know about this? Wouldn't he have gone to
visit TC in the hospital? It's a small town, people everyone knows everything! and 2) Why would you not tell your wife (or anyone else for
that matter) the DOCTOR about this?? Boring dumb secret, boring dumb plot.
As TC confides his, who else is hiding behind a tree (shivering in terror) but the conniving hit and run king himself. Platey is
resplendent in amphibian sunglasses (appropriately emphasizing his delightful reptilian quality) and James Bond driving gloves. He listens
and curses, vowing the secret (also known as unsupported hearsay) must not
come out and send him to the big house.
Meanwhile, Platey's attractive and oddly hard-up wife is busy mooning over
Sam "oh, he should be here for our son's wedding, oh if only he knew, oh Sam, Sam". Once again ignoring the advice she begged from
Jiminy Cricket, her maid, Ivy heads for the tomato soup cake queen's shop of useless
quaint to invite her to the super swanky Hotchkiss "we got buck teeth off our hands
yippppeeeeee" soiree that evening. Astoundingly wooden Grace is wild with joy to go and persuades her husband and Ivy-hating friends to
join her. Ivy imitates Tabby by pressing her nose to the window (on a main
street in town, in the daytime, but no one notices) and gleefully drinking
it all in.
Sporting a new, even more wooden than her mom Kay, the teens make plans for a little trip up tot he Harmony ruins. Reese (I'm actually hot in real
life) is busy researching Charity's super special effects pendant. Reese also thinks maybe Tabby is 300 years old. "oh, silly smart boy!" chortle
the dull teens. New wooden Kay reveals her latest scheme for getting swish-boy, she'll sneak into his sleeping bag in a negligee (uh, it's
Maine, you'll be cold even if the boy does think you're a guy and has sex
with you). Long-suffering Simone pretends to actually be interested.
Tabby has again pressed her nose to the window and worries about Reese learning the truth about the pendant (that it was a quarter at Goodwill?).
She manages to force her way along as chaperone, an act that blank brained
Sam and Grace approve. And with those fabulous Dark Shadows caliber special effects, the pendant glows in Reese's pocket........
Blondie and Supersideburns are at an impasse (for a change) as she KNOWS what she saw. Of course, Blondie never watched "mission Impossible"
growing up, so she can't figure hat perhaps daddy and big bro's unlimited resources might have
actually purchased some kind of hoax...... Blondie begs Supersideburns confess so I can forgive you! (or smack you for the
trillionth time). But Luis (being like his daddy and not his lying tramp sister) cannot, it would be untrue. They part with heavy, grouchy hearts
and Sherr uses all her brains to give some quite intelligent insight to Edumb ("maybe you haven't told Horseyface, 'cause you're not really in
love with your stalker").
Later, Supersideburns returns to let Blondie know he'll be her date for the Hotchkiss gala. Sherr's borrowed a trick from the guys, the perfect
door-answering ensemble is a towel!!! Luis drools and Sherr looks pleased as she bitches about taking a squad car and how she doesn't need him
Meanwhile, Grace is lamenting being a middle class woman with only one splendid party gown (hey, be happy it got to see the light of day more
Return to Sherr's cottage: Now Luis is dressed like Regis (except he looks cute) and Sherr is wearing a very stunning gown. They take off for
the party, only to be stopped by a hillbilly boy on some god-forsaken back road. The adults are
just wonderfully patronizing and agree to help the kid's mom (who's about to drop a baby). Naturally, the hillbilly house
is really nice (waaaay nicer than casa de Lo-Fitz) but filled with kiddies
and a doctor hating woman. Luis is IN CHARGE!!! And busy snickering at Sherr's repeated failures at
momming (I especially enjoyed her inability to make PB&J). Later, Sherr had it all under control: wonder how much she
paid all the kiddies to keep their traps shut????
Ivy's droning on about Sam in her bedroom to poor, bored Pilar (who already got to listen to her loony daughter about Edumb). Theresa's
freaking out that Edumb will marry Gwen after all, since she made the mistake of actually defending her brother. Now Theresa's staring at the
phone as poor, bored Whitless (who's busy believing idle gossip about her beloved Chad as spread by someone she neither likes nor trusts.....wooden
Kay) tries to talk sense to her nut job friend. Ethan's trying to tell Horsey-face, but she's much too busy cutting him off mid-sentence.
OOOHHH a real development! Becky corners Edumb and tells him she's on to him. She then calls Terrorcita and fertilizing the seeds of doubt
Terrorcita's demented mind had already planted to get her to the party and
good and humiliated.
Oh, oh these cliffhangers!!!! What WILL happen????
Till next week
P.S. Timmy had his own little sleeping bag and a canteen full of martimmies......he's such a stud!
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