ATWT Opinion Article
Jerry Springer presents: Cheatin'
Today we're going to meet two best friends who are fighting over a man -
who they both want to cheat on their husbands with. And one of them
already has- but her husband doesn't know about it yet. We'll meet him
later - but first, let's meet these two women. Ladies and gentlemen,
meet Margo Hughes and Jessica Griffin-Harris.
(Margo and Jessica take their seats on stage.}
Jerry: Now tell me, Margo, what seems to be the problem between you and
your best friend, Jessica?
Margo: Well, I desperately wanted to wreck my marriage by sleeping with
another man - Doc Reese. I told Jessica - she knew how much I wanted to
cheat on my husband with Doc. And do you know what that selfish BLEEP
BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP did? She cheated on her husband with Doc! How could you
do this to me Jessica???"
Jessica: Margo, don't you understand? You know I've been trying to get
pregnant. And according to the rules of soap operas, it is physically
impossible for me to become pregnant while in a monogamous relationship.
I can only get pregnant if I sleep with two or more men, thus creating
the possibility for a who's-the-daddy storyline.
Margo: I understand that you had to cheat on Ben, but why did it have to
be with the man I wanted to cheat on MY husband with? You know I don't
like to share my men. I may not be a one-man woman, but I expect my men
to be one-woman men!
Jerry: And how does your husband feel about that Margo?
Margo: Uh, well, uh...
Jerry: How about YOUR husband Jessica?
Jessica: Um, well, uh...
Jerry: Does he know you cheated on him with Doc?
Jessica: No, he doesn't.
Jerry: How about if we meet your husband now Jessica?
Jessica: Um, okay...
Jerry (to the audience): I'm going to let you all in on a secret.
Jessica is pregnant. Her husband is very happy about the baby. But he
doesn't know that Jessica slept with Doc and the baby might not be his.
Let's meet him now. Ladies and gentlemen, Doctor Ben Harris!
(Ben seats himself next to Jessica.)
Jerry: Ben, do you know why you were asked to be on the show today?
Ben: No, your staff wouldn't tell me.
Jerry: Ben, would you say that you and Jessica are happily married?
Ben (puts his arm around Jessica): Oh yes, we love each other very much.
We're very happy together.
Jerry: Do you trust your wife, Ben?
Ben: Oh yes, absolutely. I trust her implicitly.
Jerry: I understand you and Jessica are expecting.
Ben: Oh yes, we're expecting a little bundle of joy. It's really a
miracle. I just found out that I don't have hardly any sperm, and it
should be impossible for me to father a child. And yet - Jessica is
pregnant. It's a miracle! Hallelujah!
Jerry: What do you do for a living?
Ben: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Jerry: So as a scientist, you're a very logical person?
Ben: Oh yes.
Jerry: But you're explanation for Jessica's pregnancy is that it's a
Ben: Well, there's no other logical explanation.
Jerry: Has Jessica ever cheated on you before, Ben?
Ben: Yes, but that's in the past. We worked through it and we're closer
Jerry: So let me get this straight...your wife has cheated on you in the
past. It is scientifically impossible for you to father a child...and
yet she's pregnant. And your only explanation for this is that it's a
Ben (smiling broadly): Yes, that's right.
Jerry: And I thought brain surgeons were smart!
Ben: What do you mean?
Jerry: Didn't it ever occur to you that you're NOT the father of
Ben: NO! Never. Jessica would NEVER cheat on me.
Jerry: But she has before?
Ben: Yes, but she would NEVER do it again.
Jerry: So what if I told you that she has?
Ben: I'd think you were lying.
Jerry: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Mr. Doc Reese.
(Doc enters and seats him self between Jess and Margo.)
Jerry: I'd also like to introduce you to Margo husband, Tom Hughes.
(Tom enters and sits on the other side of Margo.)
Jerry: Doc, I understand Margo and Jess are fighting over you?
Margo: Tell them you're MINE, Doc! I wouldn't cheat on my husband with
anyone else but YOU darling!
Jessica: No, he's MINE. He didn't even WANT you after you threw yourself
at him, remember? That's because I already satisfied him!
Doc: Ladies, ladies, there's no need to fight! You can both share me!
Hey, how about a three way?
Jerry: Ben, how would you feel about that?
Ben: My wife would never cheat on me. I don't know what he's talking
Jerry: Jessica, you have something you want to tell Ben, don't you?
Jessica (turns to Ben): Ben, honey....you know how much I love you
but...well, I made a terrible mistake. I slept with Doc.
Margo: You BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEPING BLEEEEEP!
Ben (to Jessica): How could you? I can't believe that a BLEEPING BLEEP
BLEEEEEEP like you is going to be the mother of my child.
Jessica: Ben, honey, I don't think that you're exactly grasping the
Tom: Ben, don't worry, I'm a great lawyer. I can help you take her to
the cleaners in the divorce settlement. Just like I'm going to do to MY
Margo: But I didn't sleep with him Tom!
Jerry (to Doc): Is this true?
Doc: Yes, I swear, I never slept with Margo.
Margo: Of course, honey, we never had sex, I promise.
Tom: How do I know you're not lying?
Doc: I just admitted to sleeping with another man's wife, why would I
lie to you?
Tom (to Margo): You really never slept with him?
Jessica: Absolutely not, I was there. I heard everything. I had just
slept with him, and she showed up at his room, shamelessly throwing
herself at him, the little hussy. But because I'd already given him all
the lovin' he could stand, he refused to sleep with her. That's the
truth, Tom, he turned her down! She begged him to go to bed with her,
but he refused!
Margo: Jessica would you shut up?
Tom: You begged him fto sleep with you? You NEVER beg me!
Margo: Jessica you BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEEEEEEEP!
Jessica: You BLEEEPING-
Jerry: Hold it, hold it folks. There's one more person we need to meet.
This triangle is actually a quadrangle. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
you to meet Jill, a waitress who wants Doc for herself.
(Jill enters and seats herself in Doc's lap.)
Jill: Doc, forget those two old married hags. I'm all yours baby. Run
away with me!
Doc: Jill, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm NOT INTERESTED IN
Jill: WHY NOT????
Doc: Because, I may be a big studly ex-football player, and I may have
beautiful young women like you throwing themselves at me all the
time...but I only date women who are at least a decade older than me and
married. I won't be interested in you unless you have a wedding band and
Jill: So if I get married and stop getting botoxed, you'll be interested
Doc: Oh yeah baby, just as soon as you get the marriage certificate and
the crow's feet, I'm all yours.
Jill: Oh, I'm so happy!
Jerry: That's all the time we have for today...
Ben: Wait a minute. Tom, can you get me custody of our child in the
Tom: Ben let's go have a man-to-man talk and I'll try to explain this to
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Page updated 8/20/14
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