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VOLUNTEERS NEEDED!

Kaydee's Soap Review #4
8/20/02

Greetings, Soaplings!

Well, I'm all out of hair and my voice box is shot, so Minoxidil and Chloraseptic won't be much help for me this week. I will be focusing on all three soaps this week, although OLTL, will be the main target.

Again, Bravo to Kassie DePaiva, Melissa Archer, and Kirsten Alderson for brilliant performances that stopped my hair-pulling routine for a few short minutes.

I begin this week's "Alien Pixie Dust Rehab" Session with a little trip through Port Charles. Let's start with "Torn." (This one's for you, Sues!)

Livvie Borden is still on her Undead man-stealing mission, and as of late, my girl Allison is falling deeper and deeper into emotional anguish. I'm a die-hard Rafe and Allie fan, (I did say I am, so no bashing!!), and even with that loyalty to the couple, I say it's time for Allison to let Rafe do the pursuing. There is nothing more that can be done to help Rafe remember, especially since this man with a "gift" has been easily duped into believing that he is going to be a father. Yes, I know the rules of biology, and it only takes one time. But wouldn't the average EARTHLING male, who "popped" into a town without a memory, and had a woman who was practically force-feeding his brain memories that jogs no familiarity, be just a wee bit more consistently skeptical? Yes, we got the tidbit skepticism in the storyline when Rafe bought the pregnancy test for Livvie, but, umm, hello? EVERYONE else is telling you Story B, which is more familiar to you than Hoochie Tale A, and two people caught her telling a mythical creature that the baby wasn't his, so where is the suspicious nature from Rafe?

Lucy, (my other girl) the Vampire Slayer, has once again come through for me and delivered a great "universe protection connection" performance that is always the highlight of my soap week. For once, the writers have allowed a show to have ONE intelligent character who remains intelligent, and in Lucy's case, she also has good street smarts.

Which is precisely why she's the only person who had the guts to not accept Livvie's bul..(um, LIES), without calling her on it. Way to go, Lucy!

I have a beef with Kevin. Okay, granted, he's stuck in a catfight between his wife and his daughter, but to charge at Lucy for investigating his daughter when it's obvious that his daughter is the villainess here, well that's too much. Considering that Port Charles has experienced almost every aspect of the Supernatural, Undead, Witchcraft, the Heavenly, and the Gothic, why is simple Earthling parental supervision such a crime?

Meanwhile, on the other side of Port Charles, we have more hair-pulling to do. Is ANYONE ELSE out there just plain nauseated by Carly Corinthos? Can this nut job get any more sick?

She really believes that she has a hold over Alexis with the paternity of her child. Every time the two have a scene together, it's: "This had better work, or I will tell Sonny that it's his child."

WHAT?? On Earth, Alexis would have slapped her way more than once by now! I personally would have made her forget everything she overheard from crouching beneath my obstetrician's couch!

Which brings me back to another set of important issues. Why is Carly so interested in Alexis' baby, or having another baby with Sonny, when she's barely ever taking care of Michael? Leticia will have earned the right to sue for child support and file the child as a dependent on her W-4 at the end of this year! It seems to me that Leticia's title should be changed to "mother", while Carly's mommy title have the words "psycho surrogate" put in front of hers. I have surely reserved my ringside tickets for the match between Carly and Brenda. My bets are on the brunette.

And what's with the writers making Alexis out to be someone who needs protection and assistance with hr child? SHE'S PREGNANT, not suffering with Alzheimer's disease! She doesn't need assistance, she needs to be left the hell alone so she can regain her sanity and carry her baby to term! Jeez! Stop painting this, strong, survivor of Helena Cassidine's wrath out to be a meek, naive Carrie White. She didn't grow up a sheltered princess, for crying out loud!

She grew up fending off Helena Cassidine and now she's fending off a mobster and his nutjob wife, does she really need people telling her to drink her milk and take her vitamins? Or better yet, does she need all of these MEN telling her how a baby grows in her uterus? STOP IT, writers! If you're trying to paint a wholesome Brady Bunch family life scenario, YOU'RE TOO LATE!

She's already slept with a married mobster, without being married to him, her ex-out-of wedlock lover is stepping up as the father, and guess what? We're even past the 90's! So write a MODERN-day Earthling woman storyline and stop trying to sugar-coat it with this two-parent household glorification. Alexis is smart, resourceful and self-sufficient..let her talented portrayer take this amazing character to its peak, and let Nancy Grahn be at her best.

On the favorable side of GH...HOORAY for Mike! For standing up to his bull-headed, angry, dark son and not allowing him to dominate his actions with regards to Courtney and AJ. It was a pleasant surprise to see Mike give Sonny a good piece of his mind and walk away with the victory.

Kudos to Jason, for finally becoming tired of being the mold of clay errand boy. I am rooting for Jason and Liz, and I predict that Liz will be his uplifting, and Sonny's downfall. Maybe he will have Carly be his henchwoman!

And now, we go to Loonview...

Al Holden needs to be committed. There's no doubt in my mind, folks. But he needs some special protocol. Here's what I think..

Forget St. Ann's! That's a fraudulent facility. The therapists are not licensed, and the patients are more sane than the "quacks'..oops! I meant doctors. For example: Addie had Blair on the couch, giving her advice on love.

No, Al needs to be sent to Creedmore, with Jen as a roommate/wife, sentenced to therapy sessions with Rae-Ray, and mandatory arts and crafts class with Martha Stewart. The four of them can listen and learn how to make Martha's new sheet collection..The Jailhouse Rock Line.
They'll be orange, with black stripes, and if you act now, you can order the Advanced Order collection from the Shop the Soaps Hotline. Order with your credit card and receive an arsonist's instructional manual, The Superbroom's Teen Beat Fall Issue, one year's worth of Rae-Ray's therapy, bonus ball and chains, and The Early Fall Issue of Inside Stock Trading, absolutely free!

And then we have Commission-Not Buchanan. Here we have the HEAD of the police department who calls the looney teen down to the station to question him about an arson. Okay, granted, Al isn't a suspect as of yet. But since when does the police department give away their investigation strategies?

Bo told Al that there were prints all over Natalie's planted keys. THEN he tells him that the PD couldn't identify the prints. THEN he allows the civilian to suggest a suspect to chase, AND THEN he gives the suspect a suspect!

Let's not forget that a man who's supposedly so well-trained and good at his job that he was promoted to Commissioner didn't even find Al's jumpy behavior to be suspicious! The boy was not only jumpy, but asked waaay too many questions about the fire, even for me, a civilian soap-watcher! Then there's the slapstick comedy right-hand detective, Antonio Vega, but I've already said all there is to say about him last week.

In a favorable mention..KUDOS to you, writers! For making Princess Jessica stuff her face with Crow! Still wasn't humiliating enough for me, but at least she ate it!

All in all, I'm still stuck to my seat, only these days it's not because I can't wait to see what happens next.. I'm praying that there is something to see!! I miss Tina and Cord, I miss Megan and Jake, I'm sick of Niki Smith.

I am tired of soap watching while having my lunch being a hazard to my health. Everytime I'm eating a meal and Al's mushy "Jen" look is on the screen, I'm about to heave. And Jen's psycho act as an attempt to spice up her monotonous alter-ego is nauseating, too.

I pray that Natalie and Cris keep their senses and don't fall for Jen's sudden urge to be the greatest best friend/girlfriend/hostess, because that would be too much.

Let us cross our fingers, and save our lunches, folks. Maybe they'll hear us before it's too late.
Forward your comments to me at: KaydeesHouse@aol.com .

Tune in next week.

Page updated 2/27/13

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