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VOLUNTEERS NEEDED!

KAYDEE'S SASSY SOAP CORNER: Article #3:
Review for the Week of August 5-August 9, 2002

Greetings Soaplings!!

Yes, we made it!! Another week! Whew! I think we owe our survival through the perils of this week's alien storylines to the brilliant performances of Melissa Archer and Nancy Grahn. If it hadn't been for those two ladies, I would have been overdosing on Minoxidil and Chloraseptic from pulling my hair out by the root and screaming at the top of my lungs at the TV screen.

I also have to favorably mention the great performances of Mark Derwin and David Fumero, for the wonderful way Ben slammed Rae and Niki, and for Cristian giving the Llanview PD the ammunition to actually SOLVE a crime, something HE didn't go to school for!! Which brings me to my review for the week..I am zooming in on Llanview and General Hospital.

I have been screaming this very thing from the soap world mountaintops for many months now, and for those of you who have heard it before, bear with me as I shout it again...

THESE WRITERS HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND ARE WRITING STORIES THAT ONLY ALIENS WOULD BELIEVE!!!

Alien pixie-dust I tell ya!

Let me give you a few examples...

Allison Perkins, who was labeled "armed and extremely dangerous" YEARS ago, has escaped from prison with Loonsey Rappaport, another extremely dangerous person, and the police department has been put on high alert, right?

Okay, then how is it that she's been able to drive a car around town unseen, capture two hostages, carry a trunk with an unconscious body inside by herself, from Atlantic City, NJ, put it in a car, drive all the way back to Llanview, PA, PARK the car in a driveway of a home that has been labeled a crime scene, take the trunk OUT of the car, drag it inside and down a flight of basement steps, again by herself, and NO ONE could catch her??

First of all, on Planet Earth, the trunk itself would have required the strength of at least two strong men. Now, I'm a female myself, and I am all for gender equality, but let's be real here, people. Some things are just damned HEAVY!! But I guess old Allie had acquired some new- found super-human strength since after she found that ridiculous "Jane Jetson meets Batgirl meets Florence Nightingale" outfit in she's-not-a "Dr. Rae-Ray Cummngs" house! (Wink, JoAnn!)

And then there's Commissioner Bo Buchanan, a sorry soul if I've ever seen one...toting his just as sorry right hand detective, Antonio Vega. And before any of you prepare to fling a couple of knives and daggers in my direction, let me clarify.

I like both of these men, they're just NOT good policemen. Again, I explain myself.

Antonio actually has more street smarts and gut instincts than his superior, but he can't think past his immediate situation. He had RJ by the...(bleeep!) with the money clip. Keri was finally showing some hope in the in the intelligence department when she put RJ on the spot as well. I was really cheering, folks! I just knew that this was going to be THE moment...

The moment when RJ finally became a human being and stand up to the consequences of his actions. Granted, Keri knowing the truth about his involvement would anger her, but seeing as she wants to believe in her newly-found daddy, she would have gotten over it, and then it would be Antonio's turn to make the choice of accepting her decision to have her dad in her life.

The moment when the Llanview PD finally solved a crime on their own merits, the moment when this imposter serial that has taken over our airwaves would finally take a turn in Planet Earth's direction! And then...POOF! It was gone.

Kooky Keri provided an alibi for her father and turned the pressure on Antonio, who also reverted back to mush. He had adamantly told his beloved that he was there on "police" business. He would question RJ, because the situation had to be addressed, even though it might hurt her. He had guts..and then Keri tells him that RJ was with her, and RJ tells a cock-and-bull story about having bought a money clip to replace the one he "lost" days ago. And Antonio, a COP, investigating a PRISON BREAK, doesn't have enough smarts to ask RJ for proof of purchase and the store he bought the "replacement" clip from?

If we were Llanview residents, would we feel safe?

And Bo, who tells Ben that he was 99% sure that Niki Smith had returned, but after seeing Ben on the floor, he's now 100% sure.

Umm, WHAT??!! Pardon me, folks, but when, I repeat, WHEN, was Bo ever even close to the path of Viki's DID? Cris solved the crime for the police. Bo was handed the resolution of the case to him in a Silver Moon Boutique bag, not an evidence bag!

Then there's Natalie, who's brutal slap to Niki's Smith face and heartbreaking cries to her mother were the highlights of my day! The return of the feisty, redeemed young lady that many of us have come to love was a brilliant move on the part of the pixie-dust addicts. In addition, Ben's anguished attack on Rae, (while I feel sorry for all that Rae is suffering), brought the reality of the emotion of a scared husband to life. The revelation of Ben's attempted murderer was also a welcome bonus, since Princess Jessica now has to eat that plate of Crow that she has been piling up for herself.

We exit Llanview and arrive at Port Charles. Kristina Cassidine has passed away, and Alexis Davis is full of emotion. She has an unborn baby to protect from vultures. Namely, Sonny and Carly Corinthos.

Her brilliantly devised plan to gang-bash all who stuck their big noses into her life and caused a big mess was executed flawlessly. The way she pleasantly dismissed the people who did good in her and Kristina's lives, and then began by thanking the culprits for being the miserable little creatures that they are was shocking and indeed a long overdue action.

She is a woman who is carrying a child who has the misfortune of being the offspring of a gangster. Her mission is to be able to carry the pregnancy to term..(which already is proving to be a task equivalent to climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. But hey, it's been done, so Lexi has some hope!)

And deliver a healthy child for which she can provide a normal life. She would like to leave the hospital with a baby basket filled with a rattle, some formula samples, a squeaky teddy bear, some diapers, some samples, some coupons and maybe a bottle and a pacifier.

She would like to avoid the Godfather's baby basket, which in addition to the above items, contains..a bulletproof vest, a Smith& Wesson owner's instructional manual, free admission to bullet-dodging classes, and an extra immunization that protects the child from radiation. Not to forget that his stepmother is a total jealous nutcase.

Then we have Luke and Laura. Laura has a memory of something tragic and chilling that happened in her attic. We were left with a spine-tingling week-ending episode as Rick came at Laura with a hyperdermic needle and she screamed just before someone was thrown through the attic window..(a little flashback of Llanview, hm?)

With Genie Francis' upcoming exit, wouldn't it be nice if for once the actors' characters that we love could go out in style? Lately, it seems the writing patterns for exiting characters is to turn vicious or looney. Case in point..Todd has made friends with Sebastian the Crab on: Gilligan's Island: On location in Llanview's South Pacific.

When it was rumored that Kiko Ellsworth was supposed to be leaving, his character turned vicious and cruel. Al Holden, who should be leaving, has turned into a mouthy, disrespectful little stalker who seems to have left his sanity at the recast negotiation tables.

One final pain in the soap (BLEEP!)...

What is with this "SHOP THE SOAPS" lunacy? Every time you break for commercial, you have an option to buy something that one of the characters had worn, looked at, thought about buying, or maybe just visualized in a dream? What are they going to put up for sale next?

"Now you can buy the actual crab that Todd Manning befriended on the Pacific Island on One Life to Live. It promises to be the most delightful tasting crab you ever had! Visit our website or call 1-800- SoapSap for more information."

If you are supposed to be buying the VERY item that the stars had, and a thousand people call for that item, who is really getting the actual item??

Feel free to share your sound-off with me at KaydeesHouse@aol.com.

Tune in next week, folks.

Page updated 2/27/13

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