I come bearing sass. I have come to tell you that three
new shows have been added to the ABC lineup, only they're not
really new...they are three impostors posing as our beloved
"One Life to Live", now viewer-renamed, "The One Life To Live
Comedy Hour", (for you, JoAnn!) "Port Charles", now more
appropriately referred to as "Livvie's Undead Man-Swiping Show",
ah, and last but not least, "General Hospital", which actually
can keep its name, since it's the only huge hospital that can
only afford one OB/Gyn physician that both Carly and Alexis
seems to eternally share.
Each Monday or Tuesday, I will aim to brighten up the start of
your work week, ("work week" also and most DEFINITELY includes
stay-at-home mothers and fathers,) with a look at soaps from the
other side of the screen..the viewers' side. For those of you
who are new to my work, I'm sassy, I'm straight, and I don't
mince words. I don't aim to offend, I aim to speak out. I
welcome comments and feedback at: http:\\ KaydeesHouse@aol.com.
This week's discussion focuses on "One Life To Live". Are you
ready, folks? Here we go...
Niki Smith has GOT TO GO! Enough already! Isn't it enough
that the writers have chosen to butcher our beloved Viki's
personality by allowing a fraudulent therapist? I might
add, that in my opinion was fraudulent even when we viewers and
the Llanview residents thought she was
licensed? Let's "examine" Ms. Doctor Gretel
Ray-turned-Rae-turned-Rae again Cummings, shall we?
She has been in Llanview for ages, and she did two, count them,
two good things: She advised Dizzy Jen Rappaport to go to the
police with what had transpired between her and Colin, and even
that might not count, since the Commissioner of the Llanview P.D.
never solves crimes, the residents do.
And she actually got through to Asa when he faked his death.
Although short-lived, seeing the Buchanan patriarch exuding
genuine remorse was a refreshing change.
Lately, Rae-Ray's favorite defense comment is..."I knew what I
was doing when I..."
Really? Let me fill in those many blanks, "Doc".
"Asked my best friend to forgive the psychopath that switched
her baby 20 years ago while pretending she was one of her
"Recommended said psychopath for an unconditional release from
the mental facility, which ultimately led her straight back into
my friend's life on a tangent of money extortion scams?"
"Hypnotized my best friend, made her split personality emerge,
while supposedly implanting some sort of guarantee that she
would go back inside..only to find out that she's been posing as
Viki for waay too long, has turned violent, and I don't have a
Hmm..if that's what happens when you know what you're doing..I'd
hate to be your subject when you attempt to retake that test.
Let's leave poor Rae-Ray alone..
I want to focus your attention to the teens of Llanview...
Al "Norman Bates" Holden: A REEEEAL Winner!
Jen Rappaport: Victim of GSDD: (Genetic Superbroom
Shawna: Victim of No Childhood Discipline.
Molly: (which way did she go? Which way did she go?)
The list goes on and on. It's sad and infuriating to sit through
an hour of what was once a great show. It still is, but now,
instead of sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for those
annoying little commercials to finish so we can find out what
happens next, we now jump out of our seats to avoid seeing Jen
f-f-freak out on Natalie again.
Or worse, we change the channel to avoid the inevitable boredom
that we'll suffer from watching the Commissioner miss clues that
are DANCING right in front of him, the holier-than-thou DA who
never bends the rules but can never actually prosecute the
criminals, or even the anger of those insulting, unbelievable
storylines that have been coming into play these days.
And what's with all of the classic TV parodies that have been
going on in our soap?
There's the "Gilligan's Island" skit, in which
Todd, Tea and Ross are stranded on an island. With Roger
Howarth's impending exit, I would love to have watched Todd
engrossed in a more compelling role where his aggressive side
and Roger's talents would have been given the chance to be used
in their true capacity.
"Hawaii Five-O", in which Professor, ( the
truly licensed one), Keri Reynolds and Detective Antonio
"Dan-O" Vega spend their vacation on a beautiful Hawaiian Island
going on a manhunt for another person's love! Tell me,
folks...would this have happened in any situation on the Planet
Then there's the V-6 engine, super turbo-charged Lindsay
Rappaport Superbroom. Has anyone ever seen such an invention?
Here we have a one-of-a-kind vehicle that once had the power to
FLY around Llanview, just in time to find out who was about to
do what to catch her in her lies, or what piece of evidence was
about to be discovered that would incriminate her, and
SHAZAAM! She was always prepared with a counterattack before
the attack itself was even planned. Who else but the owner of
this Superbroom could alter a home pregnancy test?
Only on the One Life to Live Comedy Hour can such feats
be accomplished. Is there no end to the torture and intelligence
insults we viewers must endure?
The writers gave us seven glorious days of brilliance,
ingenuity, originality and compelling performances with LIVE
WEEK, and ever since, they have been dangling on the extreme
opposite end of that brilliance. Lately it seems that going
overboard is the writing plan.
Viki Davidson has been taken over by pod people, and not ONE of
her nearest and dearest associates, relatives or friends have a
clue. It's going to take the ranting of a psycho, Allison
Perkins, to solve this mystery for the police department.
Is there a cure for the Alien-Pixie Dust addiction to which
these writers have fallen victim? If there is, QUICK, FOLKS!
Let's find it! Only beings from the Galaxies Beyond believe the
happenings in the latest storylines.