All My Children Rant #20 From The TV MegaSite

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Rant #20
By Kariyaki

I’m going to start with the appearances first this time.

I have good news and—well, not BAD news per se, just weird news. The good news is that neither Mauria or Aidan are screen hogs this month nor are they anywhere near it, really. It’s another tie, though. One of our winners is Kendall. That’s not much of surprise. She’s a character who usually puts in a solid showing month after month. The surprise is the character that tied with her: Simone. I hadn’t realized panting like a dog in heat would get someone so much screen time. So anyway, out of 19 episodes aired for February, Kendall and Simone tied with 18 appearances each. That’s right, they were only NOT in one episode. Those girls were being worked like dogs. Here are the rest:

16 – Mia
15 – Greenlee
13 – Aidan, Mauria
12 – Anna, David, Erica
11 – Carlos, Michael
10 – Bianca, Jack
9 – Chris, Edmund, Maggie
8 – Jake, Reggie, Trey
7 – Boyd, Janelle
6 – Adam, Joni, Laurie, Liza
5 – Henry, Julian, Lena, Morgan, Opal, Petey, Tad
4 – Alison, Jamie, JR, Kenny, Lysistrata
3 – Joe, Maddie
2 – Brooke, Isabella, Palmer
1 – Doug, Myrtle
MIA – Colby, Derek, Marian, Ruth, Sam, Stuart, Winifred

Okay, me noticing that Sam didn’t appear at all brings me to the Mauria/Aidan storyline as a starting point. First of all, it was a boring, go-nowhere storyline that was absolutely wasted on the gorgeous scenery the Bahamas location afforded. And it got wrapped up in a neat little package pretty much off-screen. Fitting, since the whole storyline got underway from a whole bunch of off-screen events. Also, they went out of their way to paint Julian as the supreme bad guy and Morgan as the misguided accomplice that really didn’t do anything bad (except shoot Aidan and believe me, that was a public service. The only crime was that he’d lived) only to kill her off at the end. I was just throwing up my hands at the whole mess.

Sam figures into all this when Mauria and Aidan get back. Edmund finally decided to do the right thing and let her go to make her own choices about her life (gee, how big of him). Naturally, Mauria chooses to be with the guy who DIDN’T drug her against her will. This also means that she’s choosing to not be a mother to her kids. Or kid (singular), since Sam is no where to be seen. Only Maddie is the focus of her motherly angst. Sure, Sam’s absence was explained in a throwaway line later, but if one was fast-forwarding (and I bet a lot of people were), then they missed it. And they wonder why adopted kids on AMC always reject their adopted families and search for the biological ones. If Sam grows up with a chip on his shoulder like Kendall did, I won’t be the least bit surprised.

That’s it for the storylines I despise. Everything else that’s going on I’m happy as a lark about. First off: the personal lives of the Fusion gals. Kendall’s pretty much got herself a choice of two pretty hot guys: Boyd and Michael. Greenlee’s got a bit of a fantasy building up with a Mystery Emailer. Simone is panting after Carlos (and mildly after Kenny as well). Only Mia’s love life is in the toilet right now. Jake blew out of town in a fit of guilt and immaturity, leaving her a Dear Jane letter. What a coward.

Business-wise Fusion is doing pretty well. Their party was a success. Erica is fuming that Kendall is becoming successful in HER domain so naturally, she’s bent on sabotaging the poor girl’s happiness. She blatantly hits on Kendall’s new beau knowing full well that her daughter can see her. Frankly, I’m tired of Erica’s attitude about Kendall. If she doesn’t want any sort of relationship with the girl, fine. Kendall seems to have accepted that. But Erica won’t let it go. In fact, ever since the fire storyline ended, Kendall has been strictly on the defensive. Every blow-up these two have is because Erica instigates it. Woman, drop the chalupa. I mean, really.

I truly think Erica is only happy when she’s unhappy. In addition to not wanting to face healthy business competition from Kendall, she also put her life in the shitter by cheating on Chris with Jack. Not that I didn’t already know that the Erica/Chris relationship was doomed, but this pretty much sealed its fate once and for all. It’s just a matter of time now.

This is all very hard to connect in a linear fashion. The whole cosmetics storyline is interwoven very well. We also have Lena in the mix. Still don’t know what her agenda is. Boyd and Bianca are a little perplexed at her behavior since she’s made passes at both of them so they made a friendly little bet to see which of them can figure out which ‘team’ Lena plays for. I’m betting that this bet is the catalyst for them realizing that she’s up to no good.

The teens are doing much better lately. JR is practically non-existent. That’s a BIG plus right there. The rest of them are being distributed in the adult storylines evenly. Laurie and Joni seem to have part time work at Fusion. Joni is also the new Wildwind babysitter. I find the teens much more tolerable this way. Oh and before I go off on a different subject, Joni seems to have made a mild transformation. She’s turned into this calculating, manipulative bitch. Before, she was just self-righteous. I have to say, I think I like it. It’s like she’s a little vixen-in-training. I wonder if they’re going to drop the religious aspect of her character, though. Because she seems to be causing a bit too much senseless upheaval for it to rationalize as the ‘right thing to do in the eyes of God’ type of thing.

Oh, you know how I said I was happy about the rest of the storylines? I forgot that I don’t really like the David/Anna/tragic baby one. The acting is superb, I just find it to be dull.

Fan Fantasy Day: Boy was that hysterical. The highlights were Erica being set to marry Tad but having the worst hair day ever, Kendall and Bianca switching roles, Tad getting it on with most of the women on the show (and getting to utter the funniest line after he limps into his wedding ceremony: “I can’t feel my thighs”), Adam being broke, Joe having a secret love-child with Erica, Mauria getting her memory back but Edmund losing his. It was all just so delightfully silly. And it all culminated in one big brawl at the end which was very well choreographed.

Okay, now it’s time for the Gratuitous Skin and Sex Tally. The girls win this month for Skin. The fantasy episode pushed them over the top by featuring much of the females languishing around in various types of lingerie (Brooke, Simone, Mia and Anna specifically). Showing a lot of skin in the regular episodes were Mauria during most of the Bahamas storyline, ditto Morgan until her untimely demise and Alison once again in conjunction with a sweaty fling with Jake. And I’m surprised. Kendall kept her clothes on ALL month. Usually she’s a regular on this list.

For guys, we have the previously mentioned Jake, Jack shirtless during a love scene with Erica, Aidan shirtless during much of the Bahamas scenes and Carlos making his debut via wet t-shirt.

Sex: Wow, there was a lot of it. It figures, this WAS sweeps after all. Jack/Erica and Jack/Alison have been mentioned. Also doing the nasty was Aidan and Mauria (twice) and in the Fantasy episode Tad did it with Brooke, Simone, Mia, Anna, Myrtle and Kendall. He was a busy boy that day.

Clothes: Erica wore what looked like a gunny sack that was converted to a corset on top of a black bra. What is it with her and wearing outfits that showcase her underthings? Then she goes and says that minimal is ‘in.’ I suspect that the head of wardrobe raided the old “Three’s Company” stock to find an ascot for Kendall to wear. I swear I’ve seen Mr. Furley wear that same thing.

The opinions in these articles are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The TV MegaSite or its other volunteers.

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Updated 9/28/10

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