All My Children Rant #18 From The TV MegaSite

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Rant #18
By Kariyaki

We had some major backsliding into old situations in the month of December. After dating VERY briefly, Kendall and Aidan had some silly fight and poof! They seemed to be broken up. Their storylines majorly diverged. Aidan went back to sharing all his screen time with Mauria again while Kendall threw herself at JR again. Oy. The writers really need to make up their minds.

So Aidan's been shot by some unknown assailant that has to do with something that happened back before he came to Pine Valley. I have major problems with the timeline on this. Let's go at it this way: Aidan shows up in PV six months ago. David doesn't like him, so he has the new nephew checked out. He has an assault warrant out on him. Aidan explains that in some random public place, he defended some girl that was being beat on by her husband. The warrant is cleared up and Aidan gets himself a job building Erica's penthouse as sloooooooowly as possible. Fast-forward to now where it turns out that Aidan was actually schtupping this battered wife and she happens to be dead. Why is Scotland Yard only just NOW issuing this warrant?

Moving over to Kendall and JR. The very first episode of the month has the implication that Kendall banged the seventeen-year-old. I nearly had a coronary. Thankfully, the very next episode clarified that they'd stopped, but tell that to my blood pressure.

Frank and Simone broke up! Yaaaaaaay! Really, this breakup has to be the best thing to happen to Simone, story wise, because she definitely moved on to a real winner of a story. Frank? Barely seen him since and I don't much care. But anyway, the breakup day with Frank? Was Simone stoned that day? Because the actress was seriously slurrrrrrrrring her lines.

Also having her Frank storyline finished and tied up into a neat little bow was Mia. She finally told him that he'd fathered her child and he bitched and moaned about it for an episode or two and finally decided to leave well enough alone and not attempt to claim his son, inadvertently helping Mia to patch things up with her sister after that "unfortunate flying lesson" mishap.

The Mauria storyline continues to NOT progress. I've never seen a character given SO much screen time accomplish SO little as far as plot progression. It's been further bogged down by Mauria getting involved in Aidan's convoluted crapola. Julia came to town briefly. It was a big waste.

Hayley and Mateo left town. So what? They were barely ever around anyway.

The teen storyline has been kicked up. I still have no interest in anything concerning JR and Laurie whatsoever. However, I'm becoming more and more intrigued by Jamie and Joni every day. And this is against my will, since I usually hate teen stories with every fire of my being. But it's the actors that are making these storylines. The crappy actors (JR and Laurie) are making me romance that fast-forward button while the good ones (Jamie and Joni) make me want to watch. Unfortunately, it's JR and Laurie who are dominating the storyline. Jamie and Joni are just the tertiary teens. Hopefully, that will change.

And the final plot point: Fusion. I seriously could NOT love this storyline more. They took two characters that had been floundering around in non-storyline limbo (Kendall and Greenlee), dragged three more out of their loser storylines (Liza, Simone and Mia) and gave us the most entertaining plot I've seen in quite a while. The premise of Fusion gave them the excuse to launch their substitute Crystal Ball episode, "What Women Want." And I have to say I loved it. The five Fusion gals plus their focus group members Maggie, Laurie and Joni all assembled to put their heads together and wound up unveiling their deepest fantasies. Some of them were fun and silly: Maggie as an Alias-like action hero, Joni as Britney Spears while others were more serious: Simone wanting her brother to get well, Kendall wanting a family. The highlight was Petey butting in with a fantasy of his own in a Charlie's Angels-like setting with Kendall, Maggie and Simone in skimpy swimwear that culminated in an excellently executed dance number by the very young Mitchel Federan.

Clothes: Kendall continues to stay on the good fashion wagon. Though she briefly fell off when she wore that bow print shirt again (for the third time, even), but she wore it with the leather pants, so it balanced out. Also repeating past fashion disasters was Erica, who wore that yellow, one-shouldered spandex top with yellow pants. She looked like a half-peeled banana the first time she wore it. Nothing's changed. Maggie also continues in her shame spiral down the fashion drain. She wore some blue, striped poncho and to make matters worse, she wore it like she was a reject from Flashdance (hanging off one shoulder). She also keeps wearing those damn newsboy hats. What else… Oh yes, she wore some hideous mustard colored jacket that looked to be too small on her.

Appearances: Out of 21 episodes aired, Mauria is our Screenhog of the Month AGAIN (dammit, woman, give someone else a turn). Liza and Mia were surprising runners-up, though. I guess getting pushed out a window and clumsily tripping over a dress hem is bound to bump someone up a few notches.

17 - Mauria
16 - Liza
15 - Mia
14 - Aidan, Edmund, Kendall
13 - JR, Jake, David
12 - Laurie
9 - Anna, Greenlee
8 - Adam, Doug
7 - Joni, Simone
6 - Jamie, Frank, Bianca, Tad
5 - Colby, Maddie, Maggie
4 - Trey, Stuart, Sam, Petey, Marian, Chris, Erica, Jack
3 - Brooke, Hayley, Julia, Mateo
2 - Palmer, Mary, Boyd, Funzo, Isabella
1 - Joe, Myrtle, Opal, Ruth, Zeke
MIA - Winifred, Phoebe

The Shameless Sex and Skin Tally is sadly quite small this month. Damn winter makes people unwilling to take off their clothes! Can you believe that crap?

The only sex that was had all month was between David and Anna and even THAT was implied. No nudity (thankfully). Another couple managed to halt themselves at second base though (again, thankfully), Kendall and JR.

For skin, the only guys to shed their shirts were JR (once with Kendall and once in Laurie's fantasy) and Aidan (two days' worth of playing patient to "Dr." Mauria). The girls started the month out slow. Only Kendall had pranced around in her bra. But the "What Women Want" special pushed the number past the guys with Maggie's skimpy Alias outfit and a tasteful one-piece bathing suit in Petey's fantasy. Also in that fantasy, Kendall and Simone wore bikinis so skimpy, I've seen regular bra-and-panties sets that covered more skin.

The opinions in these articles are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The TV MegaSite or its other volunteers.

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Updated 9/28/10

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