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Rant #17
By Kariyaki
12/12/02

Well, November sweeps are over.  And may I just say how horribly, horribly dull it was?  I thought sweeps was supposed to mean excitement and risk-taking plots.  Instead we get a month of Mauria whining about her amnesia, Jamie whining about his mom and Adam, Liza whining about her sister and Adam, Greenlee whining about Leo, Erica just whining…  Anyone else sensing a theme here? 

The Kendall and Aidan romance seemed to move at a glacial pace.  I feel sorry for the poor guy, myself.  Would you want to be falling for someone that continually goes on and on about their last ex and keeps telling you that you’re nothing more than a roll in the hay?  Doesn’t sound like fun.  But Aidan is determined to win Kendall over and even volunteers to help her find Ryan so she can have some closure.  He may actually crack through that barrier she’s built up. 

So Frank has his big secret from Simone.  Apparently, he was there when her brother ODed and…  I have no end to that sentence.  I don’t really get Frank’s guilt here.  That he didn’t do anything to help?  He was some stupid film student, he wasn’t the doctor he is today.  It’s all just pointlessly dull.  And yet Frank and Simone are NOT the most boring couple on this show right now… 

…That honor goes to Jake and Mia.  Good God, they’re dull.  They seriously do nothing while they are onscreen except waste my time.  I can’t discuss their storyline because THEY DON’T HAVE ONE. 

We apparently have a teen story gearing up.  Another JR recast, girlfriend Laurie with stepped-up screentime, Jamie and his girlfriend Joni.  I like the Jamie and Joni actors (I can see potential, though they’re inexperienced), but the other two are grating on my nerves like you wouldn’t believe.  Laurie is stiff and stilted and she should be better since she’s been around ever since last May.  Don’t get me started on JR.  He’s as wooden as Laurie, but on top of that he has some irritating mannerisms that are really distracting.  And both Jamie and JR desperately need haircuts.  Jamie’s hair looks like an oil slick.  He needs to lay off the hair gel. 

Oh, and what I said last rant about Mauria’s amnesia storyline being dragged out?  It hasn’t advance ONE IOTA all the month of November.  Sure, there was a revelation here and there (like that dead body), but it STILL WENT NOWHERE.  And in fact just seemed to herald the arrival of the Pod People.  Because that HAS to be the reason Anna is acting so out of character now. 

Mateo’s back.  *flatly*  Yippy skippy.  I had actually grown attached to the replacement actor.  Not because he was a great actor or anything, but because it was fun to imagine that he and Edmund had a hot affair going on.  Seriously, that guy had more chemistry with Edmund or Aidan than he EVER did with Hayley.  I’m going to miss him.  He made the show more interesting for me on those dull days. 

There were very few things that I did enjoy about sweeps.  One was the bar brawl Kendall and Greenlee got in.  The choreography could have been better, but it still amused.  I really love watching the new generation of big bitches lock horns.  The comedic timing and line delivery of both actresses is impeccable.  This idea of Trey’s for them to form a partnership and found their own cosmetics business may seem ludicrous and downright dangerous on the surface, but you just know it will disastrously come to fruition.  This is the ONLY storyline I’m interested in seeing pan out. 

Continuing with the favorites here…  While I hate the Liza’s-suspicions-are-all-in-her-head storyline with a white hot passion, the image of Mia going flying through that attic window like Batman was just hysterical.  I rewound and watched that so many times that the actual number is potentially embarrassing.  There’s nothing sweeter than seeing a disaster befall an annoying pointless character. 

Another thing I liked:  Erica and Kendall’s scene at the new penthouse.  The one where Erica tried to bribe her into giving up Trey’s confession for knowledge of Ryan’s whereabouts.  I usually don’t like their scenes anymore because nothing good ever comes of them.  Usually, it’s just the two of them arguing about the same shit over and over again, but this time they covered some new ground.  Erica thought she had Kendall pegged, but was in for a shock when her disowned daughter refused to be bought.  Even for Ryan.  I’m actually proud of Kendall for being noble for once.  And of course, it culminated in a retaliatory strike by Erica to find the confession herself by trespassing in Kendall’s room.  Kendall and Trey promptly had her ass thrown in jail.  That simple moment of Erica being jailed almost rivaled the bar fight as my single favorite scene of the month. 

Speaking of Trey, he and Bianca have really turned into these plot parasites with no real story of their own.  Trey has become the Messenger of Leo trying to get Greenlee out among the world of the living while all Bianca did all month was to get herself arrested so she could hang out with Erica in jail. 

Clothing.  Kendall continues to be tasteful.  I know, I’m shocked too.  Maggie wore that damn band uniform jacket again.  Lord, it’s ugly.  And the less said about the fashion at that horrific costume ball, the better. 

Appearances.  It really is interesting to look at the numbers and see who was the screenhog for the month and who is being completely wasted.  Out of 20 episodes aired for the month of November, we have: 

15 – Mauria (our Screenhog of the month) 

14 – Brooke

12 – Adam, Kendall, Edmund, David, Anna

11 – Tad

10 – Aidan, Jamie

9 – Liza, Jake, Greenlee, Trey, Maggie, Simone

8 – Jack, Mia

7 – Frank, Winifred

6 – JR

5 – Erica

4 – Chris, Laurie, Marian

3 – Bianca, Hayley, Sam, Maddie, Opal

2 – Palmer, Petey, Mary, Isabella, Mateo, Zeke, Colby, Joni, Donald Steele

1 – Stuart, Myrtle, Funzo

MIA – Phoebe, Ruth, Joe (the usual)

I also decided to do what I call my Completely Shallow Sex and Skin Tally.

The following couples had onscreen sex this month:  Brooke/Adam, Anna/David, Kendall/Aidan, Simone/Frank.  Honorable Mention goes to Mauria/Edmund for their valiant effort of stopping at second base. 

As for skin, it was pretty much limited to the sex couples.  We had underwear shots of Anna, Kendall and Simone in various degrees of bras or lingerie and Aidan in his boxer briefs.  The shirtless category is almost always exclusively a guy thing, but we did have a female this month.  Kendall joined Adam, Aidan, David and Frank in the ranks of the shirtless.  We also had Brooke and Simone in the sheet-up-to-armpits shot.

The opinions in these articles are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The TV MegaSite or its other volunteers.

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Updated 9/28/10

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